3/28/09 ahh so much stuff tonight.. finally its over though.. i can sleep, and i finished something beautiful.. or maybe its just beginning, more likely that! amazing though.. it was so clear tonight.. it was t's birthday and we went to her house, i felt kind of awkward it was one of my first times being out in girls clothing, but t always supported and helped me and i wanted to be there for her birthday me and eric her boyfriend went up to clean her living room before the party and we played punk songs and i told him i had seeds to trip on if he wanted and he accepted i asked if t wanted some but she never responded our calls i met bev and jesse, two nice people, we didnt have much to talk about though later i ate the rest of the seeds and didnt feel much the spirit was telling me i needed to go elsewhere away from these people who were not focused (but in retrospect doing exactly what they needed to) on the elevator going down a group came in drunk, the man said hi to me and i said hi, they were talking about whether they could bring beer to the pool, it if was against rules and i butted in you can do anything if you put your mind to it the guy said, saying something like that, shows you have a strong mind i was suprised usually saying thing like that people tell me to be careful i imagined how cool it would be if i had acid tabs to just give those wonderful people sometimes you can tell who would really appreciate it walking home i felt the trip finally begin to work, i thought about the party and how it was a distraction, yet i didnt understand, i started singing and thinking of peyote how its visions were a gift from god truly to get a good vision a message from this world is a blessing of the highest i am humbled to recieve it, i am humbled but i know that i must at home i saw my dad painting, he said he had to paint the wall over because he had the wrong paint, i felt bad, how we were just servants to the whims of someone we didnt even know i went upstairs and recorded the melody i sang on the way then came down to offer him help he said needed none because he would be finished soon. for the first time i felt, really appreciated for what i did, i felt i had a role and i didnt have to fight for it. while i was coming home i was thinking of telling my parents when we moved i wanted to live as a woman, full time, it was a new beginning. i went upstairs and realized i was tripping to hard to help much anyways, i laid and listened to the melody, and felt the universe, goddess.. everything Mira talked to me on the internet until she was too tired, and i listened to some music and thought about the day, things we had talked about and kept realizing what i needed to say... and then tried to sleep i was tossing and turning and i couldn't sleep, and i felt bad like it was too much... i decided to do some yoga remembering those psychedelic yoga posters but i couldnt focus i went out to the backyard where i brought a deer skull yesterday a deer that had agreed to help me to help humankind, i stood there a little connecting to the earth and breathing the clear air, the rejuvenating moisture of the rain i saw a stick of sage, out there and smelled it and felt a little better it was raining so i came in then i burnt some and i felt a little better i went down to the basement and burnt little bits of sage with a candle, warming it because it got wet in the rain, then i looked over to a grill i had found in the woods (a lot like the skull, which i found in those same woods that now had a highway going straight down the middle like a spine) i drew on that grill a mural and i saw now, it was my own life, it was a circle i turned it and looked by candle light at everything on it, and it was everything in my life, things that hadnt even happened when i had drawn, spirals that i had laid that day earlier in the woods, i knew it was meant to be, like this... i saw i could trust the universe, my own intuition and spirit... it will not fail it is the great force i looked on and i felt so much better, doing these things than rambling around in my bed being sick questioning everything i felt this was womans work, the herbs, the sage, a mysterious healing work that happened on its own and no one paid much mind to but was intregal to living, something that we have forgotten as a people but have been looking for even without knowing a balance.. i decided to just watch the candle light and meditate on it in the dark room of my basement the pomo came to me, on a candle, i burned and watched for something to do, something to get away the sickness around me, i thought of love all the love in the world, in me, in anyone, all that love we hide away, and bring out just right like it was rehearsed, all that burning there in the fire that perfect story written there on the grill, that life there, that culture i saw the love there and it finally got too close i blew it out but the light was still there, behind my eye, brighter even changing form it was a spirit something now i know i saw as a kid in my mind and knew it was a spirit it was saying love love is all you need, life is what humankind and the world needs desperately just love everything remember that, remember to love every single little thing that comes to you, because every little thing is sacred just try and thatll be good enough thats what the world needs be yourself, let yourself grow and it will show others, they can grow too just be yourself love said, you've been asking for a purpose and you know that its right, like my old grandmother talking to me you live as you are, a woman, don't ever question that, you love yourself and you love the world as it comes to you and do what you do... sing your songs, your music is helping people see some truth and find themselves, you're trying and its all right. sing these songs with a message now.. thanks to adam for helping with the guitar, and eric for putting the songs in my head I was so happy, i was so full of joy... i bowed down to this force, this benevolent loving force that was my own family.. my own grandmother, my own mother, even in me, my wife, everything around i wrote this song and then i cried this will make the world a better place.. i feel the warmth in me even now i return now, i feel i have finally gotten clearly and without doubt this message http://www.megaupload.com/?d=78NGCQIH
