tried to buy gum today

The clerk said it required doing a background check plus a note from my mother.

 

I'll forge her signature for $5.

 

gum doesn't stick itself to the bottom of tables; people stick gum to the bottom of tables.

 

I tried to buy a bun today, but the government file on my past connection to a known anarchist group from the 1970's responsible for exploding a number of senior Conservative's sheds and dustbins deems me unfit to be in possession of such a dangerous item, as I might lose it and shove it down Boris Johnson's cakehole.

 

We need gum control.

 

"...
but the city dump she blew up, raised the biggest stink of all,
my grandma went out with a bang]
..."

 

gum is crazy expensive if you never put a full tank in your vehicle.