Soft layers of translucency surround, As I sit here where no-one knows my name, A see-through film stretched across the ground, At least in this cold we are all the same. The sky's just been crying, I wonder why, The clouds won't tell, they say they don't know, They just look to each other, gently sigh. I don’t believe any word of it though. Moisture laden liars, each of their flock, Except in counting down the sky’s sadness, Like the vigilant arms of some cruel clock, If the clock-work ran on the worlds madness!` So I sit on my solitary throne, Share the sky’s grief ‘till there’s some of my own.
Hey, thats cool, thanks for sharing your work I don't really know if your wanting constructive criticism, so I won't offer any. Peace
If you've got any constructive criticism, I'll take it. Criticism for the sake of it is just mean, but criticism that can aid in improvement is desired...so fire away. Thanks!
... can't quite put my finger on it, but well here goes (hope it doesn't sound mean) ... The feminine energy in this poem seems aggitated, almost depressed, yet you use such wonderful words as: soft, surround, sigh, & moisture. It is a bit elusive in that it is hard to see through the grief, partly cloudy and not yet translucent (as the title would suggest.) As I said at the beginning, thank you for sharing your feelings, just wanted to see your offering a little more clearly.
Ahh the old rain and tears metaphor. So much can be squeezed from it! All in all, you have some pretty clever lines... the bit about the clouds being sheep and counting down and clocks (you count sheep to fall asleep, you keep looking at the clock because you want to sleep but it just keeps getting later, good, I don't know if that's what you meant, but there are some very intriguing layers here)... all of that is extremely well done, subtle, and engaging, but... ...I have to agree with sylvan, the mood of this poem is very murky. You talk about gentle sighs (which was good), and then sadness (great!), and then, suddenly, cruelty??? madness??? It's a little jarring, which would be okay if you were trying to make some point about global warming, but I don't think you were. If I were you, I would cut off the first four lines, and the last two, make the fifth line my beginning and then figure the rest out from there. But definitely stick to the gentleness, the sadness... also, we're talking about AFTER the rain here ('the sky's just been crying' implies that the rain has stopped). What happens when the rain stops? Also... the title could be a lot better. I mean, I get that you can see through the 'lie' or whatever, but it seems like this is really about more than that.
