Hi, I was wondering if there is anyone out there in a similar situation... My dad was kind enough to let my mum find out that he wanted to be a woman when i was ten - he didnt have the decency to tell her, just let her find out instead. I have been trying to get my head round the emotional abuse and the fact that he rubs it in my face that he is what he is, knowing full well i hate it. It's not every day your dad compares boob sizes with his 16 year old daughter. Now im 21, been in and out of therapy and still feel very confused. I haven't found anyone who can sympaphise with me and say yeah i know how you feel... anyone out there??? K8yy8k
if his genitals were ripped off in a motor cycle accident, would you be more comfortable with it?.. Imagine the trauma the accident caused, now imagine someone getting over that accident by transforming their personality so they can move forward in life...
In case you didn't know it, you posted this in a 'pro' transexual and transgender area of the forums. Just so you know. :sunny:
I can't imagine why anyone would think this is an 'anti' transsexual/transgender area of the forums. Though there have been some pretty bigoted and hateful comments posted here in the past. On one hand, I think if someone has been suffering with this their whole lives, and their kids aren't open minded to accept them as they really are, then that's their problem. On the other hand though, I think situations like this are exactly why transpeople shouldnt have kids. Not least if its as a gender with which they don't identify, and are mainly doing it to try and "be normal", and "fix" themselves. But, the ultimate blame lays with society, for making many trans people think they have no option but to live a lie in the first place. Still it wouldnt come as a total shock if the OP was a troll...
if it's any consolation, my friend gillian's dad is a transexual and it took her a little bit of time to get used to it, but he is her best friend and they do more together than she and her mom. everyone is different and feels differently about it, but he is still your dad and a human being who felt trapped in the WRONG body. sometimes people are born in what they think is the wrong body and that is very frightening and sad for them. imagine how it must feel to live your whole life feeling like something is missing or wrong with you... and there is surgery to fix that, so your dad did that. maybe the way he did it wasn't right, but it was obviously something that he NEEDED. you will be fine once you realize that he is who he is and that doesn't change how he feels about you, your mom, or himself. accept him.
Transitioning is something that a person born in the wrong body may need to do. It's not something that one chooses to do - it's something that some individuals need in order to feel right in their body, and thereby gain the ability to lead a less painful life. However, this does not mean that doing so won't be difficult for the people around the transitioning person, and your dad should be sensitive to your needs as well (he's not the only one with needs!) If you haven't already, you should make it clear to your dad (and your mom) that you're less than comfortable with what your dad is doing, and maybe try to talk to them about it more openly and directly. Tell your dad why you're uncomfortable. Certainly, he shouldn't be shoving it in your face all the time (comparing breast sizes sounds very immature, IMO - this may feel to him like a chance to relive puberty the way it should have gone, but he needs to remember that he is also a parent now, and he should use this opportunity to improve the rest of his, and your, life - not just a chance to revisit the past and try to fix things that have already occurred.) Whew, that was a long sentence! I wish you, and your dad, and your family, the best. I think you're both dealing with different sides of your dad's transition, and I hope that you can come together to start seeing things the way the other one does, and maybe find a way for your dad to live his life well without making yours worse.
Speaking as a non-transsexual woman who was nonetheless brought up as the wrong gender, and and went through the nightmare of aqquiring some secondary male characteristics during puberty, I do feel a great sense of loss at the normal childhood I was robbed of. And immense bitterness at the puberty that felt all wrong. I would hazard a guess that for some transsexuals, they have similar feelings. So while I could certainly sympathise with the wanting to talk about breast sizes thing, it is very different if you have a child. Someone in that position (a transsexual parent who has still to transition) is in a very difficult position. Particuarly if the depression caused by having to keep living a lie becomes severe. If the choice is transition, or mentally break down and do something drastic, then certainly the former is the prefferable option. The outcome whatever though, will be harmful to the people closest to them. (Transitioning isnt necessarily harmful for loved ones, though it often is.) I think the problem here is, is that for people like the OP, just their parent presenting as their true genders (and by default, the opposite gender to the one their child sees them as) in front of them is "rubbing it in their face". So, in other words, unless the transwoman parent presented as a man in front of their child, it would be seen as rubbing their face in it. A parent in this position has a careful balancing act to achieve. Not going back to living a lie, but also being sensitive to your child's feelings if they are finding it hard to accept. Its a tricky one, definitely. I hope one day the day will come, when no young person who feels trapped in the wrong body, feels they have to live a lie in order for society to accept them. Then this sort of situation never need arise in the future.
Just open your mind and accept him lovingly for what he is. It will make him really happy and you will have a great relationship with him. Otherwise you're just in for a lot of unhappiness for both of you.
A friend of mine recently found out his dad is a transsexual, and for him it isn't much of big thing. I would be shocked if my dad said he was, but I honestly wouldn't hate him, or be embarrassed by him because of it. I'd be glad that my dad is still around and is happy.
Don't be a dick about it. This girl is clearly is going through some very confusing and emotionally wrenching changes. I'm sure her dad was suffering too in his own way for years but the 'transgender' deal aside, as a father he should have been more considerate of his daughters emotionial development and well-being. I'm going to keep my opnions of the right and wrong of it to myself because it's irrelivent here. But what is relevant is that as a father he should have made much better decsions about presentation and timing. But to the OP, I don't know what to tell you. If you love your dad and want to figure out a way to move past this but just can't figure out how have you considered asking your dad to go to therapy with you? You both need to work on mutual understanding and empathy if either one of you are going to be okay.
I think the OP might find TRANSAMERICA really helpful. Not only is it a good movie, but the main characters also struggle with some of the complex issues mentioned in this thread. Plus it has a happy ending. QP
^^^Yeah, Transamerica is an amazing film! As Gypsy said I would be glad that my father was around and happy... Not all of us have that luxury!
The girl posted about emotional abuse, and hatred of who he is now. Then asked for a nod from people here. She clearly was not confused about her stand on the situation, nor looking for any help in understanding it, at all. So I informed her that this was not the place to rally hate support, that's all. My reply may have sounded crass, but I was just trying to shed some light for her on where she was, here in the forums. It's nice of people to want to help her here now, but that's not what I heard her asking for in her op.
I sympathise greatly, not with you but with your father. I'm not going to jump to conclusions and strawman but is the emotional abuse you're reffering to the fact that your father has transgender tendancies? . Why do you hate it? What difference does it make?
The OP is probably a troll. This sub-forum has a history of people starting inflammatory threads, clearly with the sole intention of offending transpeople. More often than not they never post in the thread again after the opening post. But even in the unlikely event that the OP isnt a troll, the people who have attacked him/her have been right to do so. They clearly were not seeking advice, on how to best deal with the situation. Just ranting about the fact that their father is trans. I highly suspect the "emotional abuse" that was spoke of, is just the fact the dad is trans. This isnt the right place to recieve the support the OP was after. Which was just people agreeing the father is a sicko who is torturing his child by transitioning. It was clear they wanted no assistance in coming to terms with, or understanding the situation. Which is the only way such a post would be acceptable in this forum. I still think it's wrong for people who feel born in the wrong body, to have kids as a gender with which they don't identify. But I also feel nobody should be put in that situation in the first place. Im calling troll on the OP though.
I understand your feeling (or I hope I do) my dad started dressing as a woman when I was 14. My mum knew about it years before I did. I’m now 23 and she is post op and she considers herself a full woman and not a transsexual woman any more. Even though as a family we have stayed together my relationship with my day has completely changed. I was very close to my dad. I now sort of feel my dad has died of a mental illness, but I now have this other person in my life but I don't see her as my dad. It was very difficult in the beginning to think how selfish she was being and destroying my life, I use to think if there was anything I could do to stop him from changing, but once you can come to the understanding that your dad hasn't chosen this. It is a medical condition and a lot of transsexuals who don't change can go on to commit suicide. So as I hate her for destroying my dad I sort of feel sorry for her as well as she can't help it. Since the change I refuse to hug her, witch she respects, I know she finds hard in some situation. I find it difficult to do the family washing (as in washing my dad’s bras). I will tell her what cloths look good and how to do her make up as I don't want her looking hooker when she goes out, but its all trial and error for her just as a girl hitting puberty to find what looks good. If your dad it acting in a way you don't like or feels inappropriate then hopefully you can tell her and she will respect that and work to a compromise where you feel a bit more comfortable with her. Sorry it’s a bit longwinded post but hope it sorts out for you.
