"Traditional Marriage"?! Not for me!

I recently talked with my older sister on the telephone about various things that had been going on, and informed her of my engagement to long-time jr. high/high school sweetheart, David.

She started sounding skeptical of the whole thing, especially since I'll be having life-changing surgery soon. (I'm getting gastric bypass - having my stomach stapled) She said that after I lose all of my weight, I'm going to want to cut loose and have fun; I won't want to be tied down. To which I asked her...why the hell would I be tied down?! Does marriage mean that I won't be able to keep my own personality, and have fun - with or without David? We're getting married in 2006 - the year I turn 20...and personally, I think that's sufficient time for either of us to do whatever we wanna do until we get hitched. And even AFTER we get married, why does the fun have to stop? We have no plans to have children immediately after we exchange vows...we're going to wait until I'm out of college, for one...and even then, who knows?

My sister got pregnant and then got married. So...its not like her view of the situation isn't one sided; she never got to experience marriage without children. Is there some unwritten law that my fiancee and I are going to have to be responsible adults when we get married or something? We've been together for going on six years now...and don't have a typical relationship. We're young and still wanna have fun. (Even when we're old, we're prolly still gonna be kids at heart!) Why settle down if you don't have anything holding you back, or will MARRIAGE hold us back? Well...thats the way my big sis is making it sound, and its rather annoying.

Any opinions on the subject? Thanks!

 

Well, good to know that I can get some advice on this.

 

follow your heart....and everything else will fall into place.....

 

I totally understand what you're saying. Marriage shouldn't mean the end of fun and good times in your life. But it will change things. Probably not for the worse, but things will change. There is one thing you said that bothers me a bit...you said "Is there some unwritten law that my fiancee and I are going to have to be responsible adults when we get married or something?" Why wouldn't you want to be a responsible adult when you join your life with someone? It seems like you think being a "responsible adult" = not having fun anymore. That's not the way it has to be. A big part of being a responsible adult is taking care of yourself, and when you're married you have another person's life to help take care of too. Being responsible can go a long way in helping you lead a better life. Marriage doesn't mean you have to stop having fun, but it does mean that you will have a lot more responsibilities. And if you aren't a "responsible adult" you're going to run into problems. Let's put it this way...being a responsible adult and being married doesn't mean your life ends and you can't have fun. But being married and not being a responsible, mature adult will send you down a harsh road. Trust me...I've been there.

 

well i think marriage bears with it the necessity of responsibility. but you're still yong and of course you will still be having fun with your close friends when you can. being married shouldn't change that. and if he loves you he will want that for you and you for him.



so i wouldn't worry. i'd wait till after the surgery and see how your emotions are then. no sense listening to your sister tell you what "might" happen and worrying you about your engagement. may not seem like it but its uneeded stress id say.


good luck with the surgery though and i hope all goes well with it and also the months and years following.

 

What I meant as far as responsibility is concerned.. well, with how Sherry was making it sound.. is that I'm going to have to sit at home, knit sweaters and be a good little wife. That is SO not me, and I can't bear the thought of it! I understand that there will be some responsibilities and I'm fine with that - what I'm NOT fine with is the idea that I'm gonna morph into a cookie baking soccer mom after David and I make this commitment. Don't get me wrong...I won't have a problem with it years down the road, but I'll just be turning twenty when we get married. That, and she was putting alot of emphasis on the fact that I won't be able to date girls and other guys anymore...but I guess she couldn't understand that I don't have a problem with not seeing any other man for the rest of my life, and if I DO feel a need for a female companion sometimes, David has assured me that he understands that need.

Well, in any case, thanks for all of your responses

 

I don't know...the fact that you think you might feel the need for another companion (be it female, male, or whatever) while you're married, is pretty scary. It seems to me that if you're not sure that you only want to be with this guy, then perhaps that's not the best basis to start a life together. But then again...it's your relationship, and if you're both open to that...then I guess you do what you have to do. It just cracks me up when girls who are in relationships with guys think that it's ok to cheat with a girl just because...it's not another guy. Argh...

Personally, I think you're rushing into it...but good luck and I hope it works out for you.

 

It isn't cheating if he knows about it. And who said it'll happen just because I have permission to do so? I'm perfectly content with what I have with him. Thanks for your response.

 

True. Best of luck...

 

Please don't get mad at me, because you asked for our opinions. It is my opinion that you should wait. I know you said that you are not getting married until 2006, even so, you should wait. I only say this because of the experience I had. I imagine it might be similar to yours, but if not, I still have some wisdom to share. Please read this with an open mind, although I don't know you, I certainly do not want you to make the same mistake I did. Then again, maybe you have to make the mistake to learn from it.


When I was younger I was overweight by about 150lbs. I think when I graduated high school I was around 340lbs. I had always been overweight and I had a pretty low self esteem. I remember when I turned 17 all I ever wanted was a "real" boyfriend. Well, anyway, I found someone, though I wouldn't call him a real boyfriend. I tricked him (I'm very smart and manipulative) into not only dating me, falling in love with me, but eventually marrying me at age 18. I know you say you are waiting until you are 20, trust me, at 20 I still knew absolutely nothing about love. Anyway, I knew I didn't love this person, but my self esteem was so low due to my weight issues and everyone telling me that I would never find anyone who could love me, being the way I am including my own family. So I told my now ex that he was going to marry me because I wanted to get married. He said ok we will do that then. He was a real wimp. Anyway, I bought my own ring, and I made all of the plans. He loved me I guess, if he even knew what love was at the time. Quite frankly I think he was just happy that someone of the opposite sex paid any attention to him at all. He had a low self esteem as well and had never had a girlfriend before I met him (I had boyfriends, but not serious ones). Anyway, a lot of people were shocked when I said I was getting married and some of them tried to talk me out of it. None of them said what I needed to hear. To me it all sounded like no one wanted me to be happy. To me it sounded like they were saying "this will never work". What I didn't understand at the time is that they really were more wise than I was at the time and that they really did care about me and only wanted what was best for me. Still none of them told me that I don't have to settle for this loser because I have so much more going for me. So I gave up my chance at college, and I put myself into debt paying for a bum who didn't want to work and was too dumb to graduate high school and so socially inept that he couldn't go to the damn store by himself or talk to people in public. So we got married, and I was never happy. It was almost like I wanted to say I told you so to everyone and prove them wrong. Funny thing is one of my best friends said to me on the day of my wedding "Jen, what if this doesn't work out, what if you are too young or you just don't like him" I said to her "Connie, I'm not going to be married to him forever, I'm going to get a divorce one day." I never understood how ridiculous and irresponsible that sounded until later in life.
So we were married for about a year, until I couldn't stand him anymore. He grated my last nerve. So, because I couldn't stand to be around him for one minute, I spent my time just walking. As I was walking I would fantisize about meeting someone of my intellecual level with whom I could hold a conversation and not have him accusing me of using large words to confuse him. I did not have anyone in mind. And some gals at work were doing a diet program that I decided to do as well because I love a little competition. Then I spent the rest of my nights exercising. In about 9 months time I had lost over 100lbs. Granted I still had a super low self esteem but I looked HOT! By this point I had been sleeping on the couch for months and I told my ex that I didn't love him anymore and I wasn't sure if I ever did. I told him that he is free to see whoever he wants and that I plan to do the same until we can figure out how to get a divorce.
Then I was at another friend's graduation party, drinking probably too much beer and dancing with very sexy older men, all of whom were paying much attention to me. I ended up having an affair for a few months with one guy. From that point on, I cheated on my ex quite often, for the next 6 months until our lease was up and I filed for divorce. After that I did go wild for a few months. Then I decided, this isn't really what I want. I want someone to love and cherish and someone to do that back to me. But at this point I was afraid to start a relationship with someone because I was afraid that I would cheat on them as well. Eventually I met my now boyfriend (after my divorce was final and I spent time alone reflecting). He and I have been together for almost 4 years now, and I have never imagined cheating on him. He is everything that I want in a boyfriend and eventually a husband, but even now at 24 and he being 27, we still know that we are not quite ready to get married. We are just fine waiting a little longer to make certain we have our ducks in a row.

Now I'm not saying even any of this applies to you at all, I just thought I would share. Usually, those closest to you are just trying to protect you and look out for your best interests. I don't think your sister wants to spoil your fun or prevent you from love, perhaps though she is just hoping that 5 years from now you will be happy with the decision you made when you didn't quite know everything. I hope it does all work out for you either way. Good luck with YOUR decision.

 

Oh young one with so much to learn! A Mere 20 and as many of us have at that age, think we know all about life, what we want, and what is love. People change, feelings change, life changes us, situations, events change us.....all affecting the choices we make in life. Six years together......oh my & you honestly believe this is thee one, when you have yet to experience the world? Love at 15. Been there done that too.

I like and agree with what NightOwl shared...responsible first and foremost for yourself....I wonder how many 20 yr olds comprehend what that means? I know some grown adults who have NO clue! Responsible for someone else as well, when you get married....now tell me you definately know what THAT means??? To me it means any decisions you want to make for Yourself, you must first consult with your husband to see what he thinks and how he feels, and what he would like for the both of you. Thus, he is suppose to do the same. What if he doesn't? And what's gonna happen to the two of you when you don't see eye to eye on something one of you wants for yourself and you have to put the other persons needs or wants before your own?? Communication is suppose to be the key, along with trust.....but many things are easier said than done.
End of fun times? No, now you have someone to have fun times with all the time!! lol Until ya both feel the need to have your own space... But then well, life hands us unexpected twists, and well, it's just not all fun all the time! Any relationship requires constant nurturing and constant communication ie., "work".....not just from one side, but equally, from both sides. What if one person isn't capable of doing that at some point? That's inevitable, as we're only human. That means the other partner has to pick up all that slack & lemme tell ya, that can be enough to emotionally whip a person! What about each partners shortcomings that will undoubtly require patience and forgiveness & empathy? Also inevitable! Probably the reason I am divorced and haven't remarried...it's hard ass work just to be responsible for myself, let alone to pick up the slack of someone else who isn't willing to work at it as much as me! lol and along the same lines, if you read a post I posted today regarding my own messed up life, probably exactly why I am still with this ding bat I love, but don't live with him....lol patience, forgiveness & understanding! FB isn't the same man he was 5 years ago! That person is in there somewhere, but what does it take to get him to see that and be that again? If it's possible?
I think what ppl are saying here is........look at the big big picture honey....as the decision you make will be a Life Decision.....most here that are giving their opinions only because they are your elders & have seen things, learned things in life that you haven't yet seen....but you will...and they are all just trying to give you a heads up. I sugjest you wait. If it's love then waiting to marry isn't going to change that!
Whatever you do, keep your girlfriends! You need to keep that part and not forget who your friends are! No disrespect to your partner, but men have their buds to hang out with too! So many times I see women get into relationships and suddenly they don't have time for their friends anymore, but the guy leaves wifey poo at home to go hang with his buddies! Those woman end up feeling a void, losing who they are and plain lonely! You should both have time for your friends and having "couple friends" is equally important! Meaning, an evening where you both get together with another "couple" and do fun things.
Keep this in mind.....we learn something from every person we meet. Each person we meet in life adds to our Character and brings something new into a relationship. Now if you don't hang with a sole other than your mate, what are you going to have new to offer into your relationship???
There is a big difference between "togetherness and emeshed".
When and if you two do get married....are you waiting to have children? I hope so. Cuz that changes the dynamics of your life together too and your circle of friends, your decisions and your responsiblilities. Then ya gonna need other girlfriends that are married or have children too, to do things with........thus...again I stress, look at the big picture!
I say that, cuz if I had to do it all over again......I'd hope I would make better decisions than the decisions I have made for myself since I was once your age! Knowledge is Hindsight!
Wish you a Happy & Prosperous Life in whatever decisions you chose to make!

PS. I'd also print all of these sugjestions and keep them in a keepsake box to reflect upon 10 years from now.

 

don't go discouraging her from a relationship now... it sounds like you're all telling her that her fiancée ain't good enough...

i think she (YOU) should just be patient... i know i'm only 17, and ironically i just took a break from my girlfriend in the past hour... i'm pretty confused, but that's a different story. I'm not that much younger than you but i do know a little bit about patience. Just let things be, everything must flow. If you decide to get married, so be it; but don't plan it out or anything... just chill...

 

I wasn't being discouraging..."Realistic" is more the word.
You too, will learn that through the years. I thought I knew near everything at 17 too...lol again I say,
Relationships, with the right person, for the right reasons, with the same drive and goals and mutual commitments to reach them together, can be awsome! No doubt about that! It's not all fun & games though either and she's about to make a LIFE DECISION...not something to be treated lightly and carelessly without meaningful thought put into it! Maybe if more people did that, there would be less divorce in the world and children in split up families!

 

No one is discouraging her from having a relationship, we are trying to prevent some pain and heartache down the road. When you are young, and I am still young and don't claim to know half of what I should, you think you know everything and you think that love can conquor all, etc. silly cliches... It doesn't always work out that way.

Not only that but I forgot to add. When I got married I thought one way. I was conservative, I was Baptist, and fairly religious, I was uneducated (as far as I had not yet experienced college) and I didn't know anything about the world because I was sheltered so much. I had a fairy tale in my mind of how things were supposed to be. Then I changed. Now I'm extremely liberal, I hate organized religion, and I honestly don't expect things to happen the way that I want them to happen because they might not. I realized that I need to have things in common (other than liking beer) with someone. I NEED to be able to have an intelligent conversation. I need someone who wants me to grow, learn and succeed, which I didn't have before. Had I taken the time to look and have a little more patience, I would have seen that. But I was in a hurry to do everything and prove everyone was wrong.

In the end I felt like the dummy because I was wrong and they were right. I wasted a lot of precious time, money and energy. Things I can never get back, like being able to experience college like other kids my age at the time, living in a dorm, etc. Now I have to do it all late and backwards. In a sense I don't regret my past marriage because I learned soooooooooooo much from it, especially about what I need to look for in a partner. But I wish there was an easier way to learn it. Perhaps by seeing someone else make the same mistakes I did.

That is why my little sister is seemingly perfect. She watches me fuck up so much that she knows what she should and should not do.

And I forgot to add, if this is the only person she has ever been with and experienced life with, how does she know what else is out there? Someone else could come into your life at any point and turn you around completely. Teach you things about yourself that you never knew. I think people should date quite a bit before settling down and getting married. That way you really do know that this person is the best for you, instead of this is the person who is here right now so I might as well.

And when Jer and I get married, we are still going to have fun together, just like all of our married friends do. We party all of the time, go out dancing, having people over, go to concerts, etc. I laugh so much more with him, and I doubt his ability to make me laugh is going to disappear when we get married. No one says you have to change into a fuddy duddy when you get married. You just have to know that you love and cherish your partner and you never want to be with anyone else.

 

Marriage is a rite of adulthood. Adults are mature. Maturity doesn't mean you NEVER have "fun." It means you appreciate, understand and address neccesities of living with an other adult. And that is NOT all fun and games. Adults don't just do whatever they want to do, because they have responsibilies. To others, to their families, to their home, to their community, to their job ect. I'll tell you what I tell my kids "NO ONE gets to do whatever they want to....Except Keith Richards...and you aren't him."

Accepting that a promise to an other person in a marraige or other permanant relationship is an ADULT action. You can still have fun, as long as that fun doesn't negatively impact your mate or the relationship. Likewise for your mate.

WHY do you want to get married so soon? When I hear people talk about "fun" a lot, it tells me that maybe they need to grow up some before committing to an adult life.

 

Maggie,
on that note, I just remembered something. I wanted to get married because I thought that I needed to prove that I was an adult and could do whatever I wanted, and in the back of my mind I always knew that I could get a divorce.

I should have just gotten a stupid tattoo like my other friends to prove my adulthood. People can't even do that nowadays though because most kids who are 13 get tattoos.

Maybe the problem is everyone is in too much of a hurry to "grow up" or been seen as grown up, but they don't actually want to stop being a kid. I dunno!

 

*sigh* My main objective here was to figure out if David and I had to drop everything and start building a home, having a family, etc. I am perfectly aware that RESPONSIBILTY and FUN are possible to have at the same time. There is no disputing that. And the fun I'm talking about isn't 'screw up your life' kind of fun, its just...being able to go out with my friends, still go on summer road trips, and things like that. It wouldn't damage Dave & I at all...in fact, it might improve some things, I think.

As far as my getting married at 20...I don't think there is a problem with that. And we didn't start dating when I was 15, it was right after I turned 13, actually. Six years is a long time...but we weren't exclusive, and thats how we know that we're right for eachother. Throughout his parents divorce, getting in trouble with the police, drugs, and everything else - I was there, and I helped him get through these things and overcome them. He has done the same for me, in many ways. I've been with other guys and I haven't found a single one that can make me laugh and smile when I'm down like he can, or make me feel beautiful and worthwhile on the days that I feel like shit... or anything like that. I love him very much, and I always have - always will. The question of my getting married shouldn't be a question at all...we're happy, and very much in love. We don't know everything about marriage and no one knows how this will turn out. But we have faith in eachother and want to be with one another for the rest of our lives, and thats good enough for us. The rest, in my opinion, will fall into place.

The point of my post was to get the opinions about the seriousness of it all...I didn't know that we'd have to stop living in order to get married! I know that it is a life-changing commitment and I'm FINE with that, I've had six months to think about everything that one would think about in my position and with the way our relationship works...I'm confident that life will go on as it always has for us, carefree and full of happiness. (and yes, fun!) Why can't we experience the world and life as a couple? A piece of paper ties us together, but it will NOT tie us down and I honestly don't understand why everyone thinks that. I don't plan on going crazy for the rest of my life...and he's already had his fair share of it...so we're not expecting to still be living this way when we're 30. There is a time and a place for being serious about life but it isn't now, or in the near future. I want to go to college and make something out of myself, and live my life a little before we commit to children and things like that...why is that such a bad thing?

I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions and I WILL consider them all, but you've gotta understand...my marriage isn't what I'm worried about, its the fact that I've got people telling me that life practically stops when we walk down the isle - although David and I don't think so. And if things don't work out the way we planned...that's fine. The way I work is already explained by Confucious himself: "I hear, and I forget. I see, and I believe. I do, and I understand." If these things happen to us, I will apologize to everyone in this thread whole-heartedly without question. But so far, I do not see this happening...therefore, I cannot believe it until it does, and then I'll understand.

Thanks again.

 

No, Life doesn't stop when you walk down the isle at all! I hope you didn't get that impression from my post! Sounds like you have your head on your shoulders....that's great! Long as you walk down the isle with your eyes wide open and not eyes wide shut! You certainly got a variety of opinions here and lots of food for thought, eh? You certainly have MY blessings and I truly hope you both are happy with one another for many years to come!

Hugs, Sunshine & Smiles!

 

Bella sweetie,
I never said life stops, I don't believe that for one second. I personally believe life gets so much better after you are married to someone you love and cherish so deeply that you would die for them. The problems isn't that I think you will not be able to have fun and go on road trips. If I believed that then I would never want to get married myself.

The thing that I KNOW for a FACT, is that you will change and grow. If you do not, then I am very very sorry for you. You might not realize it now, but what you want right now in life and in a partner might not what you want 10 years or even 3 years from now. As people and situations around you change and unfold, you will change as well. I believe the most "growing up" or changing that we do is between 18 and 28. That is why I don't think people within that age group should get married at all. And the fact that you have been with him for 6 years and you have "dated others" when you were a teen, that is even more scary of a thought. I think it would be a good experience to have more adult relationships with all sorts of people under your belt, that way you could make a true decision on what it really is that you want in a partner and in a marriage. I know to you I sound like I'm trying to spoil all of your fun and fantasy of how wonderful marriage is. And don't get me wrong marriage to the right person is wonderful, but marriage to the wrong person or at the wrong time can be living hell. I know because I went through it. You said yourself that you are not going to be this way when you are 30, so why not wait until then to find out who you will be then make this decision?

Also, you said that you are getting weight loss sugery right? I would most certainly wait until after that is through before you start making any life altering decisions. You might feel completely different about the whole situation after.

I honestly am not trying to talk you out of this and I don't want to seem like the bad guy here. And I really do think that your sister who knows you very well, is looking out for your best interests. If you don't want to listen to anyone here, that is understandable, but listen to your sister or other family memebers. I wish I had. They don't always say it the way you want to hear it, but they are trying to prevent you from going through something you don't need to.

You can love this man and stay with him as long as you want, but why do you have to marry him right now? (or 2006).

 

No one here said that. I don't know where you got the idea. Unless paying bills, and being accountable to each other, and taking the time to make things work is somehow connected to "stop living."

I STILL don't know what you are asking.

If life "stopped" when one got married, no one would do it. WHAT are you looking to DO after you are married that makes you think that?