Toil toil toil toiled gladness

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Rafaela, Jan 23, 2005.

  1. Rafaela

    Rafaela Member

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    A heart a bitter wound,

    With these tender lips

    Slits of slender remorse.

    An unsettled phantom’s moan,

    The extended wail that shakes this hand.

    Sunk in glorious sea,

    Inconspicuous tears dissolve,

    Slide down this quivering arm,

    Trace down this quivering face.

    Sky salvaged tears from swollen eyes,

    I rain...
     
  2. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

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    Sky salvaged tears from swollen eyes,

    I rain...
    ----------
    Actually my favorite lines. I like the body of it, the picture you paint but I'm having trouble finding the rythm, the flow.. Thanks btw, for posting to others threads. It's getting very hard to find someone that does at the moment. And I'm opinionated, lol, I don't believe that people that can't take the time to respond to anyone deserve a response to theirs. Thanks
     
  3. Rafaela

    Rafaela Member

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    Yes i have no sense of flow whatsoever, Once i get some free study time I'm going to consider certain poetic structures and rythmes to follow. The ideas are bountiful but not the wave
     
  4. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

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    ~* I loved the lines here too....

    With these tender lips

    Slits of slender remorse
     
  5. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

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    I gotsta agree with gdh, I couldn't really get into the poem, the whole theme sounded too familiar and a bit random, but once I reached those last two lines, they were pure gold!!
     
  6. Hippievixen

    Hippievixen Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    ohhh I am so diggin' this!

    'With these tender lips

    Slits of slender remorse'
     
  7. sylvanlightning

    sylvanlightning Prismatic Essence

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    Well done. I enjoyed the entire poem.

    I would consider changing, to increase the flow, use of the same word twice in one or consecutive lines... like 'this' or 'a', however it is not necessary.

    Each line rings with beautiful images full of heartfelt emotion.
    Thank you.
     

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