Good afternoon everyone......I've been reminded that Friday this week is International Men's Day...... unfortunately it has had little or indeed no publicity and also falls on Children In Need Day....so I feel it will go largely unnoticed......At a time when the word Man seems to be vilified at every opportunity I wonder what those in the Hip community think it means to be a Man in 2022.....I have my own thoughts and opinions but shall wait for a response or two before sharing them so as not to contaminate the free speakers.....
Well... right off I'd link International Men's Day and Children in Need Day to note one of the most important meanings on being a man. It is to do all you can to support your children, and their mother(s), whether you share the same address or not. A man should be an active participant in raising his children, being there for them as a priority. If a man cannot do that well, then there are not many other successes that really count for much. Any man who becomes an absentee father is not a good man, in my opinion.
I agree wholeheartedly......but let's not confuse being a Man and being a Father.........both have separate identities....
I agree - I just thought it was a good place to start... Men have the power to become fathers and give life. It is a responsibility that no man should ignore or take advantage of. As the #metoo movement came on the scene, men took the hits for the bad apples out there. We've seen plenty of examples of poor behavior on the part of men in power, and certainly we know and have heard enough stories of men, in general, behaving badly. I'd even go so far to admit that I am one of those men. So being a man today - taking responsibility for our actions and behaviors. Knowing when no means no. Respect for others without being a floor mat or a wimp. Stepping up when needed, but not taking over, when not needed. Listening - Being present in the moment - Putting others ahead of you, but not forgetting to take care of yourself, and making your own needs, opinions and wants known, too. Being a man in 2022 is a whole lot different from what it meant to be a man in 1962. We've weathered some brutal cultural storms over the years. There has to be a delicate balance - in general, men don't deserve some of the critical hits we've taken. but, it's easy to be painted with a broad brush.
Great topic, and you're right. International Men's day is hardly recognized by the media, and if it is, it's usually in a negative light. (Like how this is sexist to women, or some such crap) We see practically the same treatment to Prostate awareness month. Very little media attention and practically no corporate support. Now compare this to Breast cancer awareness month. Lots of coverage and corporate donations. Even though prostate cancer kills just as many men, as breast cancer kills women. Some of my thoughts on what it means to be a man: Primarily, a man is an adult male. Men should not have to slay dragons to be identified as a man. Secondly, men should not look to women for a definition of what it is to be a man. (Imagine women doing this to define being a woman. Feminists would be foaming at the mouth!) Thirdly, while being a good father and husband are things that a man CAN be, he doesn't need to be either of these to be a man. Same with a woman. She doesn't need to be a mother or wife to be a woman. Yet society cheers women for "not needing a man", yet bashes men who say they don't need a woman. As thepapasmurph pointed out, far too often men are viewed negatively in our society. Take the #metoo movement. It paints women as victims and men as predators (i.e.the casting couch) Yet we are supposed to dismiss the women agreed to this arrangement to get what THEY wanted, then later claimed to be a victim when it suited them. Society can demand that men to protectors and providers. To always put women first. To be willing to die to live up to this. In other words, be disposable. While being a protector and provider can be noble traits, they should not be requirements to be a man, nor should men be shamed for refusing to do these things. To me, a man should chart his own course and do what he feels is right in his mind and heart. If being a husband, father, provider and protector are what makes him happy, then that's fine. If he wishes to go his own way, that's fine too. I think many men today are confused and uncertain on what they feel their role should be. Good men and fathers used to be respected, but now society seemed determined to des troy giving men any credit. Men are told they are unneeded and unwanted. That women have all the say when it comes to their children and can be taken away for any reason. That women are good and men are bad. Whereas, in reality, there is good and bad people of both sexes. Both men and women should take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors. This is part of being an adult. Unfortunately, it seems only men are being held accountable.
Even though I am on the male end of the gender spectrum, I am not too hung up about what it means to be a man. Let me explain a little. When I was a little kid, I naturally had both male and female friends. I truly enjoyed interacting with any kid who wanted to play. Gradually but repeatedly, society imposed its gender roles on the boys and girls I knew, including on me. Boys and girls were segregated more and more as we grew into adolescence. Way too much emphasis was placed on the differences between males and females, and not enough placed on the similarities. Some guys and girls I knew grew to fear members of what was called "the opposite sex". As a result, many were unprepared for selecting a mate who could help raise a family. The divorce rate is sky high in our society. But then, especially in my early 20s, my psychedelic experiences led me to link with both men and women who did not conform with gender roles. For the first time since I was little, I got comfortable with the fact that males and females had way more in common than they did in being different, and that I could free myself to break away from male gender roles that made no sense to me. I also learned that most males think that intimacy simply equals sex, and that most males had a very difficult time with expressing affection. It's like they did not even have the vocabulary for talking about intimacy and affection, and that doing so would somehow be "unmanly". So, when I quit being hung up on mainstream roles for men, I really started thinking more in terms of being a whole person. It was a good move, and one that really paid off in developing lasting friendships and meeting my biologically programmed need for love and affection. I'd like to see a special day designated for Gender Unification Day, where everybody along the gender specturm can celebrate what we all have in common.
@BiGuySW I like your use of the word/expression "whole person" and I am fascinated to know more about your views on expressing affection. I have always been expressive - but over time scaled back and controlled my displays. In my mid-20s, I was at a bar one night with friends - mixed gender crowd - not gay or queer in nature - and we were standing around joking and talking - and I reached over and lightly touched a guy's face with my hand in what I thought was an endearing manner - not threatening, not intended to be belittling or negative in any way. He hauled off and cold-cocked me on my chin and I went down like a rag doll. A couple of my other friends rushed him and someone else slugged him for what he did and he left the bar. Ironically, I never saw that guy again - That experience made me cautious to show affection to any person that I suspect to be fully straight and fully gendered as either a man or a woman. It's too bad, I think. A few years ago I was seated with a male colleague who began to spill a rather personal story and it was sad and tragic. He became quite emotional. I reached across the table and held his hands with mine, and it seemed to free him to relax and tell me more of his story. It was very natural for me - I didn't think a thought about what others may have thought if they saw two men holding hands across a table in a restaurant. I wish I could be more free to express myself that way more often
Any form of affection has to be done with permissions in place. Here is how I know when permissions are in place. I pay attention to how people greet me, whether it is a nod, or a handshake, or a side hug, or full hug, or whatever. That's a big indicator right there. But beyond that greeting, there is usually a lot of other communication that needs to take place. How open is this person to discussing their inner life? Are they really engaged in communication, or is there a bit of a wall there? Does that wall eventually diminish over time as you get to know the person and build trust? Generally, women are more open to affection. I have one male friend whom I've loved for a very long time, but he was raised in a very intellectual home with some macho cultural leanings. So, it has taken me decades to progress from nod to side hug to full hug, and he's finally saying that he loves me and vice versa. Other male friends have been hugging me for years and sitting close when we talk and even kissing me at the right times. The best huggers I know are a male bisexual and a female bisexual. I mean, these are electric hugs that instantly make you feel like you really belong in this world, the kind of hugs you can just remember when you have insomnia and then finally get back to sleep. The whole person approach applies to people of all genders. I'm lucky to live close enough to a fairly progressive city that I can get there a couple times each month and socialize with a gender diverse community in the downtown area. It's not all based on drinking, either. We have festivals, tours, museums, community gardens, farmers' markets, bicycle events, outdoor music events, and all sorts of cultural stuff. There are a lot of people shedding their shackles and being themselves. And they mostly all need the same thing, to love and be loved in some meaningful way. With some, that might just be verbal, but with folks like me, physical affection is the form of communication that touches us at the deepest level. Because of the nature of my work, I have met thousands of people in my region. I know many people who struggled with their sexual orientation and several people who struggled with their gender orientation. The most satisfying thing in my life is seeing them come to feel accepted for who they really are. Often when they reach that point, their hugs become so much more communicative.
To be a man, or to be any human, at their best is to be sure of yourself, confident in who you are, and kind and caring to others who may or may not accept you or the same things you see as good and right. Thank you! @BiGuySW for sharing this with us. I think I need to let go and let it be. I am learning and your post here helped me learn even more and even clarified things I don't think I actually put into words.
"Like most bigots, homophobes know little about the groups they target, and their hatred doesn’t hew to logic. But when pressed, they will say that gay and trans people lack the virtues that they associate with traditional masculinity – virtues like honesty and integrity; courage, discipline and willingness to protect the innocent. But it was two patrons, almost certainly gay themselves, who subdued the attacker at Club Q, risking their lives to spare more bloodshed. Meanwhile, in Uvalde, police officers armed to the teeth – the paragons of hegemonic masculinity that the right is always insisting we worship – stood by, cowardly and immobile, while a gunman slaughtered little children. If the right sees “manliness” as a virtue, a willingness to risk yourself to help the vulnerable, then you’d think it would be clear to them who the real “men” were." Moira Donegan
