Hi I'm really looking for a little understanding as I find it very hard to talk about things to people I know and I'm in a mess right now. I'm hoping to find some strength in any responses I get. I'm 29 years old and I've been married 2 years with a child of almost 18 months but am so unhappy. It's not that I don't care about my husband as I have no reason to be annoyed at him I just feel like I've woken up for the worst case of rebound in the world to find I've totally made the biggest mistakes of my life. I have always been attracted to women since a young age. I had an obvious crush on a girl at 10 years old and almost kissed my best friend at 13. At almost 15 I almost got caught topless kissing my best friend, and at 15 years old I was kicked out the house for a weekend for taking a bath with my best friend (Then later got kicked out again for having a fight with a boy who ran his hands up my legs when my parents sent me out in a skirt). At 16 I hung out with a lesbian at school and got told to stop or leave the house by my dad and that if I was kicked out men would come after me for being a lesbian (sounds silly but took me years to figure out this was BS) spent years 16-18 writing PAGES and PAGES of crap about how I'm not gay because to me being gay meant being worthless. It makes for quite sad reading now! I have very controlling parents who kept me quite isolated, and my dad is aggressively homophobic. As well as kicking me out he beat me told me I was mentally ill and that the sooner I understood that the better. At 19 I finally admitted to myself I was gay and my mum badgered me about why I was dressing differently etc and just said you are gay aren't you... I could only nod as I still couldn't bring myself to speak the words. She then went and told the whole family (including my dad) without me knowing, and my dad told the whole town and ran me down because of it. So I STILL HAD NO CONTROL! As I've been bullied for years I tend to keep myself to myself and have little confidence or self-esteem so the assumption by the family at large was that it was a phase I was going through and no one took any relationship I had with a woman seriously. After a while I started to think that maybe I wasn't either and when I felt something for this guy I spoke to my mum and she said that if I felt anything for a man it would be better because I would never be accepted fully as a lesbian so I had an almost completely non sexual relationship with (what turned out to be a gay man) for 4 years on and off. I had another relationship with a man who appeared gay but during sex I would suddenly become very aggressive and want to fight him off me (sounds dramatic I know) so that ended. I've spent my life either worshipping a straight woman that I will literally do anything for or I've had 2 gfs one was a bi girl who I would again just worship (she was always trying to make me more girly though), she is a pillow princess, which I was ok with but thought, hey, I need to see what its like if the shoe was on the other foot sometimes. So my second gf was a lesbian, she tried going down on me and although it wasn't unpleasant at all I cant get off to that which confused her. I only get off when I give pleasure. This was a revelation to me and a bit to her as she just kept staring at me and asking if I was butch. eventually she was watching me one day and said "I think I can see it" and I said "what"... she didn't answer, just smiled, but treated me a bit differently after that... her expectations of me were different and I have to say this was the best time of my life it made me feel really good and I started feeling somewhat stronger. The problem was that she was cheating and this hit me hard. Before we had slept together she had teased me about possibly being bi as my best friend was a man (similar bullied man, but not gay) and with breaking up with her it was hard to be without that understanding from someone. I decided that I was bi really and married this man. I had a breakdown before I married him and tried to get out only to get told that I was panicking and why do I always have to make life difficult for myself and so I went along with it. I was pregnant by the first month of our marriage and this has kept me busy since (I still felt the aggression during sex but he was into me being tied up so I did this). I really can't anymore! For years I would get a mental block any time I tried to fantasise sexually, suddenly (since becoming a mum myself) I've lost that mental block and oh my god! When I was a teenager I fought my parents on the fact that I wanted to be the breadwinner in my house I wanted basically what was expected of my brother. Now I think I realise what I've known all along but can't talk about as it's my parents worst nightmare. That I want to be the butch in a butch/femme relationship. The problem I have now is I'm a small person with little confidence and self-esteem. I don't know if I have the strength of character to carry this off. To try to show people the real me. I'm leaving my husband but that's not proving easy as the guilt stops me from being brutal about it. I don't know how to talk about it as I'm so convinced that people will think I'm being ridiculous as the expectation from people in the family seems to be butch = big and although I'm quite muscular and square I'm not big. I just think that if its in my head it's in my head and I'm finally realising that I can change whatever I like on the outside but it's still there and still the same. Can denial really be that deep that I could put myself through these things again and again!!! x
Hi, firstly I would like to give you a virtual hug as it sounds like you have had some pretty tough times, although it seems you are getting stronger and are getting to know what it is you really want. I'm glad you are finding the strength to leave your husband, however terrible that may sound, because many people would choose to sacrifice their own happiness to stay in a relationship to keep others happy. And at the end of it, it will be better for both of you. Then you can really start to be who you want to be. Believe me there are many women out there who want to be loved and cared for by a strong woman who can provide for them, no matter the size of your body! I believe you have the strength to be that person. You are doing the right thing talking to people. Hanging out with other lesbians IRL would probably give you a huge confidence boost also.
Big hug from me, too. There's a whole load of issues there ... and it's getting late right now. I'll come back and try to post something a bit more helpful when I'm a bit less tired. Hugs, Becky
You are a very strong woman, and i'm pretty sure there isn't anything you can't handle first of all, you know exactly what you want and who you are and that is something a lot of people dont have, no matter how easy or hard their life has been... İt is a beautiful thing. I wish you a smooth and easy break up, and nice people to be there and help you on your way to your freedom... i'm saying this because i can understand what it must be like to be stuck in a relationship you dont want. i grew up with parents that couldnt stand eachother... and they went through with their marriage and living together because me and my sis were 'still young'.. but man i wish they had had the courage to leave eachother and stand on their own. me n my sis turned out just fine, stronger than most people our age, knowing the importance of standing on our own two feet... but my mum hasnt quite recovered, even though she left my dad three years ago.. dads still very aggressive but can never communicate why! so again, i wish you a smooth quick and clean break off. do not feel bad or ashamed for anything you've done or havent, i know its cliche but everyday is a new beginning.
