Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Toovin, Jun 29, 2006.

  1. Toovin

    Toovin Member

    Ok, I know they dont have to rhyme, but its the only way i can do it >.< Tell me what you think of this one. Its pretty self explanitory of what its about.

    Time flows like water
    Swift as a stream
    Collects into lakes
    Turns into dreams

    Feelings leave ripples
    That turn into wake
    Distorting your view
    Clouding the lake

    Then water turns still
    and clouds turn to shine
    The water evaporates
    Back into time
  2. Hippiemomma

    Hippiemomma Member

    Love it Toovin. Your very talented. :)
  3. Toovin

    Toovin Member

    I wrote another one out of boredom.. should prolly post it under a new one, but ill stick with what i got...


    Tell me your name, tell me it slow
    Dont try to leave, dont try to go
    Ill tell you a secret - try to keep it low
    Im inside your head, and I'm never gonna go

    Your fighting for freedom, i cant lose control
    your my little puppet, everyone knows
    the way you scream, how hard you fight
    letting you beat me wouldnt seem right

    Now that youre silent, i sit on my throne
    I tell you what to do, act as my drone
    I see in your head, i chose all your thoughts
    Your brain is so dead, a pile of rocks

    But the sticks and the stones
    as the poems go
    couldnt controll you
    not even the hardest blows

    You sat and you smiled
    Through all my abuse
    Your look so innocent
    I couldnt refuse

    At first you were mine
    and now i am yours
    you turned all the tables
    evened the scores

    Talk of the heavens!
    Yet show me the hells!
    So peacefull the singing
    So violent the bells

    So open the gate opens
    You controll me with pain
    You controll all my thoughts
    And drive me insane

    Yet, I cant complain...
  4. TrippinBTM

    TrippinBTM Ramblin' Man

    I like it. But you keep saying "turns to" which is a little boring. Maybe you could vary the wording a bit more. Besides that, I have no problems with this poem. I love that you rhymed it, rhymes are good.

    the second one was alright too, and I really liked the stanza about the heavens and hells, that's pure gold. but the rhythm is off in places and it seems like it could use some polishing.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice