Ok, I know they dont have to rhyme, but its the only way i can do it >.< Tell me what you think of this one. Its pretty self explanitory of what its about. Time flows like water Swift as a stream Collects into lakes Turns into dreams Feelings leave ripples That turn into wake Distorting your view Clouding the lake Then water turns still and clouds turn to shine The water evaporates Back into time
I wrote another one out of boredom.. should prolly post it under a new one, but ill stick with what i got... ---Controll--- Tell me your name, tell me it slow Dont try to leave, dont try to go Ill tell you a secret - try to keep it low Im inside your head, and I'm never gonna go Your fighting for freedom, i cant lose control your my little puppet, everyone knows the way you scream, how hard you fight letting you beat me wouldnt seem right Now that youre silent, i sit on my throne I tell you what to do, act as my drone I see in your head, i chose all your thoughts Your brain is so dead, a pile of rocks But the sticks and the stones as the poems go couldnt controll you not even the hardest blows You sat and you smiled Through all my abuse Your look so innocent I couldnt refuse At first you were mine and now i am yours you turned all the tables evened the scores Talk of the heavens! Yet show me the hells! So peacefull the singing So violent the bells So open the gate opens You controll me with pain You controll all my thoughts And drive me insane Yet, I cant complain...
I like it. But you keep saying "turns to" which is a little boring. Maybe you could vary the wording a bit more. Besides that, I have no problems with this poem. I love that you rhymed it, rhymes are good. the second one was alright too, and I really liked the stanza about the heavens and hells, that's pure gold. but the rhythm is off in places and it seems like it could use some polishing.
