`time To Begin Writing The Final Chapters?

As I get older and watch my children grow into adults, my own mortality begins to make itself known to me in a big way.
Maybe that is why I've been going through so much personal turmoil the last couple years.
Never wanted to/envisioned myself as growing to be a really old fart, it's time to consider my inevitable exit and what I leave in my wake as this turn of the universal spiral comes to an end until the next appearance.
anyway, they say she comes on a pale horse, but I swear I hear a train...

Been looking at some old posts I've made over the years, rather enlightening and elicits some deep self reflective thought.
mirror time

been too selfish and embroiled in my own personal bullshit, how does that benefit anyone or anything?
time to grow up and out

please be gentle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8s9dmuAKvU

the only thing we can offer others is our time and love;
time is the only thing of value we are given by the universe
love is the only thing we can offer back that lasts, all else is destined to fade into vague memory and dust.

in the final analysis only two choices are presented to us whether we acknowledge them or not;
service to self or service to others

but
paradoxically the crux of the biscuit is that due to our physiological make-up and just how shit works, the only thing I can ever be 1000% certain of is my own experience as relayed by my sensory apparatus and conveyed via my nervous system, interpreted by my brain and delivered to what we call "mind", so why isn't it ALL about me?
every event, word, person, song, artwork, etc. etc., etc. is for me, about me and designed for my ultimate growth and progress as a voyager on this wild ride we call life
everyone is a mirror
all the love you give is all meant for you...

time to put intent and motive paramount in my life over action and selfish result
action without right intention is a waste of the time and energy that we have in limited supply.
get off your ass Nox and give,give,give...then give some more
give your time
give your intention
give your life
give your love in full measure as it has been given to you

the things you deem important and valuable are but spurious distraction, only love makes an eternal impression in the universe.

time to re-assess existence: why, how, what for
time to change gears and direction

trust the guide of love and know it is all for ultimate growth and progress, whether realized in this turn of the spiral or the next or the billionth.

stop sitting around waiting for the phone to ring.....
every day is judgement day

it's all right

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwqhdRs4jyA

the best you can do is forgive...


don't care if anyone ever reads this, I needed to write it and remind myself of the why's and wherefore's of existence and it isn't all about me....or is it?

 

NG.........I'm Getting Seriously Concerned For You......



Cheers Glen.

 

it's all right...
not planning on hastening my exit, just re-evaluating my reason for being...

 

I've seen your photo posted here and you look pretty young, fit and healthy.

 

I really like this.


You always seem(ed) like a sane, sensible, salt of the Earth type of a guy, you'll pull through, it's your character.
I don't have much else to say.

 

finality is another of those human fantasies.
reality is we just keep going along until we aren't there

the species will continue to do the same thing too,
whether wisely or in ignorance.

in ignorance of course,
humanity as a species could destroy the capacity of the only world it knows that does so,
to maintain the conditions that make its own existence possible.

and there are many indications that we are doing precisely that,
and they are becoming increasingly clear.

when the flesh rots it no longer speaks,
and yet, even bones tell something about the way the people who buried or burned them thought about things,
or at least people who find them later like to think they do.

i care not about leaving marks,
only about what the people living have to experience in doing so.

 

https://youtu.be/H4P9uInSFks

 

Don't worry folks, my final chapters will be a decade or two more in the making....
you don't think you're gonna get rid of me that easily, do ya?

it's just time to reconsider the track I'm on......

 

at least you have kids

and a wife

soon as my parents are gone i really have no reason to wake up



also tldnr

 

I ignored your videos, I hope I'm not missing too much.

Service to others and benefiting yourself aren't necessarily mutual exclusive. If it's really a conflict that you can't otherwise resolve, then maybe try to serve in a way that you enjoy.

 

Foreseeing the future, perhaps there are changes you can make that would lead to a better outcome

 

they are worth watching if for no other reason the collection of talent, Orbison, Harrison, Dylan, Petty....

but those songs speak to me personally and "end of the line" is a good one to remind me to re-center values

also it is an homage to Roy Orbison, who was alive when they first recorded the song, but passed away before the making of the video.

 

Nothing wrong with reevaluating your life. Just remember that the end of one chapter leads to the beginning of another. It will be different and may take some getting used to but, may seem really uncomfortable at first in fact. My advice is to not live in the past; visits there are OK but too much time there will eat you up.

Also, about the alcohol: nothing will depress you faster. There isn't a problem on Earth that can't be made worse with a drink, I know from experience. I'm not trying to be preachy, just helpful.

Maybe use this stage of your life to pick up some new hobbies or do something you've always been interested in. Time to make your life about something else it sounds like to me.

 

Any time I start feeling old, I just remind myself that compared to a mountain, I just got here.

 

good one...

 

Thanks. Funny thing is it actually makes me feel better.

 

I've been writing the final chapters for years... but somebody done stole my pencil.

 

LOL...
I luv ya Ty.....

 

I know this feeling. Just the other day I had another health scare which landed me at the local hospital. Acute breathing difficulties, stabbing pain in the chest. For a few hours, death did seem like an imminent possibility.

No immediate worries though, it was just a flare up of my long term respiratory illness, and I'm gradually getting back to my normal level of fucked-upedness. Other than the COPD, I'm not in that bad a shape. But it does make me think. Probably unless I get something else going wrong with the body,(note 'the body' not 'me') things be good for a while to come, and a slow decline is probably the likeliest thing.

So how do I feel about this? In one way it's something like a small liberation. When I reflect on my past life I realize that although I made moves which were not that great, I really had very little choice, given all the parameters. I feel that overall I've been true to myself and my own take on reality. I've done a few bad things, but really my conscience is pretty clear. I also see that where I've experienced disappointment - one big one being never really getting into another good long term relationship after my ex and I split up - ultimately it's for the best. If I'd taken up with some woman say 5 or 10 years ago, they'd now be faced with life with a man whose activities are limited, and for whom they might end up having to care and eventually mourn. And the truth is that I'm quite happy to live alone.

I feel that all that happened to me, including the things I experienced as bad at the time, were probably all just as they should have been.That reflects what you say about it all being there for our general advancement as beings. I feel happy enough in myself.I feel like I've come a certain distance in life. And probably that's something. In many ways, I feel more at peace with myself than I've ever done.
Where I've failed - and there are more than one or two instances where I think I failed, I was probably up against impossible odds. I do feel compassion for people in general, and also for myself, and I think that's important.

So I'm not writing the final chapters just yet. Although there are many things in this world that I do find annoying and rather stupid, there's really not much I can do about that. I see that in the past I used to get frustrated about things over which I really had no control. Probably in the future I'm going to be more inclined to let many things go. I do what I can in terms of trying to act with kindness towards others, and don't see much else I can do. I don't hold any personal resentments . The people who hurt me were only acting out their own ignorance and self-defeating negative attitudes.

Like most people, I'd like to hang onto this life as long as possible. But when the end does come I hope to be as ready for it as one can be.

 

two things I have been actually learning on more than just a cerebral level is that the vast majority of us are doing the best we know how.
That has led to my being able to forgive a lot of "wrongs" done to me and hopefully those I have wronged with also come to the same realization.
But whenever a person gets to a point where they know themselves and are honest enough to understand the reasons/sources of their actions and intentions, than a responsibility to alter course rears it's head.
That is where I have been the last decade or so, now I'm feeling it's time to put intention into action on a much greater scale.

Experience brings knowledge
Knowledge brings responsibilty
Responsibility demands action
Action brings experience

and we begin the cycle again...and again...and again...........