Thoughts on Love and Breaking Up

A lot of people seem to think that if a couple breaks up, they didn't really love each other and it "just wasn't meant to be."

I'm not so sold on this idea. I think it is possible for two people who truly love each other, to be unable to stay together. In fact, I've seen this phenomenon, and perhaps even experienced it firsthand (although the jury is still out on that one).

On the other side of the coin, a lot of people who DON'T "really" love each other, are able to pull off reasonably happy long-term relationships, or even marriages. My grandparents were a prime example: They cared about each other greatly, but my grandmother's "love" for my grandfather was really more codependency. They still managed to pull it off without much of a hitch for sixty-some years.

What are your thoughts on the matter? Do you agree with the first idea, and how might you explain the latter?

 

I think it's entirely possible for two people to be in love, yet not function well together in a relationship. I, as well, have experienced this first-hand and all my friends were witness to it. Just because you're in love doesn't at all mean you're supposed to be together....

As far as not being in love but staying in a relationship. It can work, but I think it can be pretty dangerous. There's lots of room for hurt and disrespect there.

 

I think its completely possible. i love the woman I am technically married too, however its not the kind of love i am looking for, its a deep caring, but not a physical attraction, not a romantic thing. I believe that there are many types of love, from what you would feel for a child of yours, a friend, and a lover....and even within those many more.

 

I think that while true love keeps people together like nothing else in the world, there's an intensity of emotion involved there that can become destructive if it's not controlled. Hence the intensely loving couple having an intense breakup - and so often regretting it later.

Your second scenario is absolutely true. Less intensely loving relationships are often based on more practical and realistic reasons for being together, and these can be more successful in the long run. People used to marry more often out of convenience and social pressure, and have to work at their relationship - which is a good way to be (your grandparents, my grandparents, heck - lots of grandparents). Now so many people try to marry for love, so when the honeymoon is over and more practical considerations come to the fore they just don't know how to work at their relationship (or can't be bothered and instead seek new love) hence the increasing divorce rate.

My 2c

 

I agree with you on that; just because a couple break up, it doesn't mean they didn't love each other, by no means, and same goes for those who stay together, although I think if there wasn't love involved, they owuld end up breaking up in the end as the relationship was out of convenience, respect, or fear of being alone, or whatever else, and they would be looking for something mroe fulfilling, but yes the exammple of the Grandparents given here is also true, and I admire them for sticking by each other, but that's not the sort of relationship I would settle for.

 

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Lady, I agree with everything you say except for:

I've had that happen with me and polygymy too (read my recent posts) -- hence my decision that all non-casual relationships are probably bad.

 

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My bad -- I posted the wrong word. Too early in the morning!

 

I find myself in my first relationship ever, almost 3 years, intense emotionally, physically and spiritually, but when we fight, its world war 3. Or it USED to be. I think for a lot of people in love the minute their partner becomes something other than the image in your head, things go sour and they break up. I think treating eachother as equals, with equal rights and a balance of dominance is important, as well as the ability to accept CHANGE in a person, and in the dynamics of a relationship. I think alot of people have unrealistic ideas about love, where teh person you're in love with becomes an object. "Youre husband" or "your girlfriend", and a lot of people expect their partner to behave a certain way according to said terms. You become a "team" but that doesn't mean that you stop being an individual.

 

I thought I knew what love was when I was your age. I also thought the word would get clearer and become more defined as I grew older. It doesn't.

Breakups don't necessarily get easier each time, but I believe some people do gain a measure of grace and better ability to understand and let go as they mature. Think but don't think so hard.

 

.....let's get together over a "silent" cup of something and discuss it.

 

I only brought this up because it's been the subject of intense debate amongst my circle of acquaintences, and I wanted to see what the larger world had to say about it.

And please don't pull the maturity card on me ... you don't know me. I don't have it all figured out, by any means, but I'm not a fresh-cut wet-behind-the-ears either.

Thanks, and do keep the opinions flowing if you want to ... I am actually interested in what everyone thinks.

 

I think "Love" means different things to different people. I don't think there is one ultimate description for it, and i think its personal meaning changes as we mature and gain insight. One person's love is another one's nightmare, right?
Getting back to the subject, i think if peopel break up it IS usually because they stop being interested/inlove with eachother, but for those where this does not apply, i think its a case of either fear, or simply "giving up" (usually)

 

Love DOES mean something different to everyone, that is for sure. What it means to me, is (I'm willing to bet) FAR different from what it means to almost anyone else.

And fear ... oh, yes. Fear is what ended it for us ... and for a lot of other people too. Fear can also drive people who don't love each other, to stay together.

Awesome thoughts ... keep them coming, discussion is fun !

 

I simply said that it doesn't change even with age. It was not meant as a "I'm older than you, and your youngness discredits all you feel" post. I'm sorry if you interpreted it that way, and can see how someone would be defensive of it regardless. I hope I am making myself clear. You missed my point: again, that even this feeling often doesn't change with time. *And* that time does play a factor in understanding things as well. I know I'm certainly naive to many things that a forty or fifty year old may know. I honestly do not. Why is acknowledging lack of some knowledge so bad?

Great topic, by the way.

 

Time does change a lot of things, I know ... but I don't know a lot else. That's why I posted this thread.

This particular thread really didn't have too terribly much to do with events in my recent life, it is just something I have been musing on for a while and want to see what other people have to say.

 

These posts are really getting a nerve with me since I've been absolutely confused about my current boyfriend for quite some time now. I have experienced the heavy, intense I'll-love-you-forever-relationship before but was so unhealthy, no less illegal and with my boyfriend this is just not the case. I love him deeply in the sense that I care for him a great deal but the emotional aspect is by no means intense. I don't want to leave him because I know that a relationship requires more than love, especially if kids are to come into the picture at a later time (which, God willing, they shall). Not to be materialistic but there are financial responsibilities that, if unattended, can render even the most passionate of relationships hellish. This guy is responsible, my parents are crazy about him, we love eachother and seem to bring out the best in each other (both mood-wise and behavior-wise) so it causes me to seriously consider marriage. I believe this would work partially because neither of us has the delusion of "love is all you need"... relationships have to be worked at and we're both willing to do that work.

 

Likewise people can have the most honest, deepest love for one another and not last. Passionate people tend to channel the intensity of their feelings into every emotion, and when two people have this it becomes all too easy to lose sight of reality.

 

Exactly! I think so too.

Even if reality is kept in sight, sometimes it can be a challenge to stay together. Having powerful, passionate emotions is a very very difficult thing -- because most true, powerful, intense love also has a flip side of ... almost hate. And it is hard to maintain the rollercoaster.