thiscage(lyrics for a song i wrote today during band practice)

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by osiris, May 16, 2004.

  1. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    I only need you to love me for today.
    Who knows just how much tomorrow will rip away?
    And if we take it as it comes we will find
    That everything makes sense in time.
    I could not absolve the suffering that plagues our fate,
    But I have found a way to release all of the hate.
    I turn the minus into plus every time
    As I awaken the cacooned butterfly,
    So it might die and know the
    Thrill of dissolution,
    Breaking free from this illusion.With its rage,
    it breaks free from this cage, we've got to
    Break out, Break out, Break out from this cage.

    ...it's so dark in here, inside my cage.
    it's so dark in here, and i'm so afraid,
    as the fear turns into anger...
    I'm enraged in my cage, but
    I won't stop struggling
    Against these walls!
    The stone chips away-Slowly, but surely,
    I break out of this cage!
    I'm flying, free, high above you!
     
  2. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    Lyrics are rarely good poetry, and this is mediocre. But to your credit, mediocre is a lot better than most lyricists can do.

    Also: For a song, it seems to have a very unstable rhythm. But perhaps the music with it patches that up.
     
  3. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    well, by necessity of the juxtaposition of the words to the music this isn't as textually rich as my poetry, no. So, with that considered, what is it that you think makes it mediocre?

    much love :)
     
  4. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    It's a matter of originality. While it's true that there are no more original ideas, and no more original ways to express those ideas, there are at least original sounding ways to express ideas. There are ways to put your own signature on it, put your own personality in it, if you know what I mean.

    This does have a bit of originality to it, but not much at all. Which is why it isn't bad, but it isn't good, either. It's just floating somewhere inbetween.

    Which is much better than most modern-day poets can do. Or at least the modern-day poets whose work I've read.

    You see, somewhere along the way, people discovered excellent excuses for laziness. Hell, I've used a few myself. "Art is a creative expression of emotion" is one of the most called upon. And while that is the textbook definition of art, it is not the textbook definition of good art.

    But I drifted from the subject, which is your song.

    If you read poets who are considered great (or at least most), they all have their own feel. Distinguishing between T.S. Eliot and Lord Byron is a very simple task, as their poetry has its own personality.

    As I said before, this has a hint of personality, but not enough to set it apart from anything. Which, if nothing else, should make it quite radio-friendly.
     
  5. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    ick. quite frankly, you'll make a great critic for the local paper, but you are still far from an artist. You're so wrapped up in your personal concepts of technique that you fail to feel what lies beneath. This is no surprise, as at 16, you have probably barely experienced anything of true depth, and can think of nothing better than to vomit on anything that doesn't measure up to your pov, and the things which do measure up to your pov are probably only the things you write. You reek of a veiled sort of narcisisism of which i am all too familiar. you will be humbled one day.

    lol.

    much love :)
     
  6. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    I do realize I am far from an artist. It seems to me that there really aren't many artists out there, despite their claims of being so.

    Although, more or less, I do agree with everything you just said.
     
  7. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    oh, there are more artists than you think. you just don't recognize it yet. most of them don't even produce anything that is commonly considered art.

    much love :)
     
  8. It's not good simply because it's all cliche metaphor.
    Fate-hate
    Rage-cage
    cacoon butterfly
    walls

    Please, go back inside and use the same feelings to stir up some more original ways to express it. You CAN do it. Just don't be so quick to rely on the obvious.
    And if you're serious about being an artist, don't let critical reviews get you down. They can make you better.
    Or, you can go around reading it to friends or family who will tell you it's good and satisfy your ego.
     
  9. SoundStepper

    SoundStepper Member

    I must agree, with the posts above, the metphor cage, has been over used, sad to say but everytime i hear the word cage now i think of the smashing pumpkins, but i understand that you are taking about breaking free, which i think is pretty cool but hardly orginal, but if its what your feeling when you hear the sound of the music in the band then go with it.

    But also note if you are in a band, sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it, some of the lead singers i think of are cool beacause of how they do something, they have a certain look or style, my point is lyrics aren't everything, its how you perform with the band and if you actually flow with the sound of the music,

    lyrics often don't look too great just reading them, but when you listen to them they can be down right awesome, so its hard to say. Just don't get caught up in ideas worry more about the show and performing and the melody. if your just in music to write lyrics, then maybe lyrics should turn into something else, remember its about the sound, sometimes it can be hard to understand lyrics through the music, in music its all about sound unless your playing acoustic. and think about other people not just yourself when you write music is for others its hardly an personal thing, would people relate to what your trying to say, maybe think, what would everyone want to hear, would people want to sing along, thoes are the things a lead singer needs to think about.

    well man i hope i have helped you, im only speaking through personal expericences through a band, and i hope you have luck also.
     
  10. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    lol. no other words could go with this song. and you all sit here talking about "cliche" as if this is just an idea i thought up to impress others, and not an expression of what i am going through, coalescing with what the guitarist and drummer were playing, what they are going through as well. we shared a spirit flow, which i picked up on empathically. this is the cornerstone of all true art, especially that which is life. music is raw emotion, and i would not necessarily complicate it with linguistic grandiosity.

    things you missed in your "criticisms":

    a cacoon,
    a cage,
    and then an reference to stone walls,
    which would suggest a prison.

    so it is not only the one that struggles within the walls that metamorphosizes, but the nature of the walls themselves, suggesting that the limits by which we bind ourselves are purely constructs of mind.

    yes, you have to hear the music to get the full effect, i agree. it doesn't read well by itself, if you are looking for technical poetic proficiency. what i was attempting to do was share this ideal, this hope, that one can break free from the constructs of their own limiting perceptions.

    and in light of your "constructive criticisms", i think that is something you should all consider.

    lol.

    much love :)

    p.s. great but simple emotional expressions through musical lyricism:

    "fuck you i won't do what you tell me"
    -rage against the machine

    "i think i'm dumb or maybe just happy."
    -nirvana, dumb

    "cock rock is like a bad laxative,
    it just doesn't move me, ya know?"
    -dead kennedys, chickenshit comformist

    "god sometimes you just don't come through."
    -tori amos, god

    shrug. i think ya'll just make shit too complicated sometimes.
     
  11. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    oh. i forgot my all-time favorite:

    "alright, oh yeah."
    -local h

    lol.

    much love :)
     
  12. this is great
    what an energy you have written of
    break free and fly..

    i wonder if when you sing this whisper in the line{:i could not absolve the
    suffering that plagues out fate,:}

    i felt this line echoed so many feelings humans have so whispered
    would in hance the words so we would have to listen......just a thought for you to try..
    love n peace from saff.
     
  13. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    the first two lines are sung low and soft, the second two high and strong, the third two low and soft, the fourth two high and strong, and then it kind of crescendos wildy until "it's so dark in here" which is a riff change where i get real quiet and break into another crescendo and then the riff changes again for the last lin "i'm flying, free, high above you", best as i can describe it... it was a lot of fun, creating this, feeling this vibe. this is the message of three world-weary motherfuckers passing through the medium of my scarred and corrupted voice. if we can get this recorded soon, i might stick it on garageband.com.

    much love :)
     
  14. SoundStepper

    SoundStepper Member

    well, i was able to collect somewhat of the feeling of breaking free and the limits that we put on oursevels and our minds with walls, before and after you told what you were trying to say but moreso when you say it. This can be one of the hardest things as an artist having people understand what you were trying to say in fact for many of us artists its a constant struggle,

    so saying that, Some of your lines are very strong and then some are somewhat not as powerful because they are diffcult to follow, you may want to go back and clear it up more so people would be able to understand thats what your trying to say.

    i hope you don't mind if i quote you.

    'And if we take it as it comes we will find
    That everything makes sense in time.
    I could not absolve the suffering that plagues our fate,
    But I have found a way to release all of the hate.'

    (this is your strong point)

    'Breaking free from this illusion.With its rage,
    it breaks free from this cage, we've got to
    Break out, Break out, Break out from this cage.......I will break out of this cage'

    (your strong point in your message)

    But your intro needs to be a little more catchy, and your exit should be less harsh, you burnt the listener in the end.
    'I'm flying, free, high above you'

    it feels like you are saying you are better than me, which could be agrued either way, say something more bold and powerful,

    Also its great that you do have the ability to get the vibe of the guys your playing with sad to say not everyone is able to do this well, many lead singers go sit in a corner when it comes time to writing lyrics but if you can put to words what the entire band is feeling than thats good,

    because eventualy you may have the same expericence i had, my guitar player came up to me and was like this is whats going on in my life is there anything you can write about with that, and like we worked together and were able to come up with a great song.

    but also do not forget the listener, the listener is your main support and should be your main insperation, im saying don't write just to sell, write so people can feel the power of your music and understand.

    What kind of band are you guys?

    well i hope i have helped, good luck.
     
  15. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    i do appreciate what you are saying, but suffice it to say the average listener hardly takes it that seriously or even reads that much into the words, but into the vibe. you are obviously not the average listener, and i must say, even for not being the average listener, you may be just a bit overly critical of musical lyricism for a rock band... which i suppose is about the best i can describe us, because we kind of jump all over the place...


    just some constructive criticism for your constructive criticism.

    much love :)
     
  16. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    furthermore, if we are to guage by what listeners want to hear, let's keep in mind that the most popular types of music are, of course, pop, gangster rap, and country. think about it. that pretty much renders that point moot.

    much love :)
     
  17. SoundStepper

    SoundStepper Member

    dude your so right, but i hold on to lyrics like crazy maybe because i try to write on a diffrent way and have written about a good 25 songs already, but also it is about having a good time, and so your doing it right.

    but what listeners may want is something that makes them move or think in a diffrent way, which is what seems to be your thing.

    I have also read many other posts that you have written and i also have enjoyed what you have said,

    so i guess all i have to say now is your on your way to something great.
     

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