After school today, I noticed I was really feeling stressed for some reason, like my body was trying to tell me something... so I decided to meditate on it and see what I could come up with - and I realized something about myself: I don't even know who I am! I always found it really diffucult to open up to people... and I think I might know why now: I can't even open up to myself . Yeah, so this sucks. I've been so disconnected that it almost feels good for me to just let it out and cry or something. I feel like a failure. Even though I love my life and everyone in it, I'm dead inside. Like there's nothing left in me. I was also informed by somebody that I tend to push people away because THEY feel like I don't like them, just because I tend not to open up or talk to them... and now I feel even more retarded for posting it here...
I guess so. But I feel like it's more invisible than blank. The only problem is, I feel so afraid of myself. Sometimes I just don't feel like I trust myself, but that always ends up in me putting too much trust in somebody else's views of me, and that's how I judge myself... which is pretty ridiculous, but true. But whatever. I'm sick of being afraid, and getting all depressed over it. I'm at least going to give it a shot., and just believe in myself for once, cause I don't really have anything to lose with a blank slate...
Your problem is common with your age. Your self identity doesn't have much in it's shopping cart yet. The next several years are going to be a blast. x
Congratulations! Although this hurts right now, you have taken the first step to becoming a more whole person. You can't fix a problem that you don't know is there. Now that you've identified something DEEP about yourself that you want to improve on, you can begin to make things better! Go ahead, and let it out... you will feel better afterwards. Don't feel like a failure. Everyone is broken in some way, and the most miserable cusses that you will ever meet are the ones that think they are JUST FINE. Also, always trust your body. It can tell you things that your conscious mind doesn't naturally want to hear. You have shown a lot of wisdom listening to what your body is telling you. You are NOT a failure. You have figured out a direction forward. Now you can begin to work on it. It will be hard work, but oh-so-worth-it. It's kind of a cheesy reference, but do you remember the Oracle in the first Matrix movie? The sign over her door said "know yourself" in Latin. That's a reference to what all of the philosophers, writers, poets, theologians, artists and psychologists have been saying down through the ages. Easy to say, perhaps the hardest thing to do. I was going to name a couple for you, but there are too many! Try googling "Know Thyself" and see just how deep this goes. Good luck on your journey! P.S. xexon's replies may seem cryptic, but he is actually being helpful, and telling you a lot!
I start feeling that way around this time of year-lost, confused. I suggest reading some self help books-this there is a huge section on it in the books section.
