This is the end my friend*

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by winston Smiths Diary, Jan 30, 2005.

  1. This is another one of my poems, Id like to know what people think of it, I wrote it recently, seeing the disasters of the world unfolding on TV.
    Please let me know even if you dont like it. It will help me grow!
    The day was long

    The day was cold

    The Night was coming

    The night was near

    But with the night, we all will see

    The awful thing, that will be born to be,

    The leader of all the world!

    It will come he said,

    we diddnt believe

    he warned us

    I wish we had listned

    he told us

    I wish we had listned

    but instead we carried on

    with no regard

    we stole the world

    we broke the work

    the end is here

    it too late!
  2. Lozi

    Lozi Senior Member

    love it. simplistic yet orchestrated cleverly, with vague sense of not understanding, but partly understanding...

  3. Burbot

    Burbot Dig my burdei

    i find the choppy lines add to the aspect of need...i love it
  4. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    Excellent work again. If I may offer some advice(with all my love and good intent) on the 4th and 5th line start new lines with the verse after the commas, ie make it:
    But with the night,

    We all will see

    The awful thing,

    That will be born to be,

    I think this would fit better with the structure of your poem, which again I have to say is excellent. I especially like 'we stole the world' . Nicely placed towards the end. The most important line for me. It rings bells.
  5. Thank you for your advice, I very much appreciate it.

    I am so glad you like my poems, I love writing them!

    It means so much to me![​IMG]
  6. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    They tend to hit the mark, Winnie. Keep writing them. We'll keep reading them. x

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