This is really bothering me...

I posted this in the Relationships forum too, but most of the best advice that I get on this website comes from here, so I'm going to post it here too...

So I have been sort of seeing this guy for about a month. I've had a crush on him for a little while now....I'd say about seven or eight months. Well, we've been physical for the last couple of weeks. Everything seemed to really be going well! We were having fun, doing stuff together when our schedules allowed, he came to my work to visit me on my lunch breaks, he would let me lay on his shoulder and he would stroke my hair...basically it was really great!

Suddenly, tonight, after he takes me out to dinner, we're cuddling and he says "I have something to say." He proceeds to tell me that he wants to cut out the physical part...I was kind of stunned, so I reply very simply with an "OK"...and I continue laying on his shoulder, not really thinking anything of it.

"So.......that's all you have to say?" He asks after about two or three minutes of silence.

"Well, what do you want me to say?" I ask. "You don't want to do it anymore and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable."

"It's not that it makes me uncomfortable," he says. "I just can't have sex with just anyone and not begin to have feelings for them. And I'm just not ready for those kinds of feelings right now." Granted, he hasn't had sex in over a year and a half before a couple of weeks ago...

I guess it just sort of hurts my feelings that it took him six or seven times to come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to be physical anymore. I admitted to him I've had feelings for him for a long time, but I don't let that get in my way of just enjoying my time with him and having fun.

After a few minutes I just couldn't stand the awkwardness and I had to leave his house. I just don't know how you go from LITERALLY one day stroking someone's hair and practically begging them to BE physical with you to not wanting to be physical at all. I just do not understand.

I feel like I shouldn't reapproach this situation, but at the same time, it really bothers me and I feel like I deserve an explaination. What do you all think? Any good advice or opinions?

Anything is appreciated.

 

I would probably say something. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, but it's the thing I would do. I couldn't stand not knowing why it happened. My only advice is that, if you do ask, do not come off as confrontational, that will only make him back further away from you.

I'm kind of in the same situation, only that I still have the physical part going on. I have feelings for him, but he's not ready, blah blah blah. I've brought it up to him a few times but I always get a little too emotional about it and it makes him back off. He doesn't like the confrontation.

I say, talk to him, but if it makes him seem uncomfortable, back off lest he drops the relationship altogether.

 

man , i would so just never say another word to this fool ever again . ....realy , why waste yer time

 

yeah I wouldnt waste your time either, because obviously he doesnt want to be with you. you dont just go from spending physical time with each other to "I dont want to do it anymore" if he actually likes you.

 

"I just can't have sex with just anyone..."

WHAT?! What a JERK! I agree with the other posters who said not to waste your time on him any more.

 

^ i think he meant that he wants to make love with someone special not just anyone.he he needs to know if shes right


if thats true then i agree with him but it is your call.

 

He worded it in a very unkind way. That's why I think the guy's a jerk

 

Annie, I think the bigger question is why are you trying to get involved with someone when you're packing off to Catalina soon? That's just setting yourself up for heartache. I don't disagree that this guy is king jerk, that was a terrible thing to say to someone, but he was honest. Is there really a nice way to say that?

 

Maybe, just maybe, he's developing stronger feelings for you and is afraid of them, so he's trying to protect himself, knowing that you're leaving and whatnot. He doesn't want to get in any deeper than he already has, so he's pulling away.

Just a thought.

 

Yeah, I think maybe he had good intentions when he said that. That, or he was just a plain ass. Who knows? The wording was defiantly shitty though and either meant to hurt or was so bluntly honest without regards to feelings.

Either way- I'd say- it's his deal. Don't give him the time of day. Don't be rude if he talks to you but just kinda blow him up like he blew you off. Act like you don't care about what he said. Chances are, he'll be hoping you did and he'll open up. That, or, he really just won't care enough to wonder and in that case, you not giving him the time of day is the best thing. If he opens up, you can feel him out in how he handles the situation and go from there. Most likely though, the guy isn't really worth your time. Think of the things that he could just say out of the blue later.

 

I can accept that this guy wanted to step back from the physical part of their relationship because he realized he was taking things too fast, but Annie had already agreed to cut out the physical part of the relationship, so why did he have to push the issue with "I just can't have sex with just anyone...".

A really crappy and hurtful way of putting things, in my opinion.

 

the timing is all wrong for a relationship. he knows you're leaving and he also knows that if he continues to carry on physically with you, he will continue to develop feelings. get up, dust yourself off, and wave farewell while you embark on this new part of your life. i wouldn't hold a grudge about the way he said it or whatever, it's a very sensitive issue, obviously, and hard to get the words out right. maybe int he future there could be something, maybe not. but i wouldn't regret it.

 

I really do appreciate everyone's advice, greatly.

I wasn't looking for a relationship. I was looking to have fun...and if something came out of it...great...if not...then no big deal...but to just stop things entirely...seems so silly to me. We were having a great time together! I don't know how easy it will be for me to go back to how it used to be...because honestly, it's not how it used to be.

I don't think he was being a jerk, really...I think he was just trying to stop things before anyone got hurt...but...I got hurt...it wasn't terrible...it was just...SHOCKING I guess. Totally like day and night almost within the same DAY. It confused me. And quite frankly, I can't even be angry...what is there to be angry about, really? I feel sorry for him mostly...because he's a 34 year old man that's completely afraid of his feelings. Honestly, I was considering not going to California if this worked out...somehow it felt right just a few days ago to say, you know, I can move anytime, but I want to see what can happen with this. I would have been completely OK with that.

Bottom line, I'm not begging anyone to be with me, I shouldn't have to, but how logic is it to tell someone, "I like you too much, so I don't want to be with you anymore." LOL...sounds completely ridiculous. Do men ever grow up?

 

youre weird.

 

You said he hasn't been in a relationship for awhile. Since he's been with you he's obviously developed feelings that have not surfaced for some time. He maybe confused and scared and needs a little bit of time to clear his head.
You may have to wait for him to do this. If he doesn't have that contact with you he may realize that you are what he wants. He knows you might be moving. That's probably scaring him. Makes things more complicated.

If you could make yourself strong, still hang out with him, be his friend, let him know it's not all or nothing he'll see something in you he wants. It's not a game it's his feelings. It's your feelings too. I realize that.

Sometimes it's not as clear to others as it maybe to ourselves what we want and what we are looking for. It's hard to cut out the physical but the mental can be so much more appealing especially when we are feeling insecure about our feelings.

Showing him you are there and respect what he maybe going thru in his head may have him knocking down your door wanting to spend more time with you.

Be strong Annie. Respect your own feelings too. You are just as important.

 

Why?

 

I'm not sure why he said you're weird either, Annie. It all seems like normal concerns for me. I mean, people and relationships in general can be weird but I don't think you are any more weird then anyone else. Open and honest, yes.