Thinking about letting it all go.

Here's my story if any of you take the time to read it know that it's appreciated. I fully expect to be judged harshly for what I write here but I need to get it off my chest just once.

I met my wife (soon to be ex wife) 9 years ago at Job Corps. The first thing she ever really said to me was "I'm gonna marry this Jew" The first thing I thought when I saw her was damn she's hot but obnoxious. She was this crazy goth chick with low morals & a desire to have fun. I was a high strung pastor's son who was trying really damn hard to be a devout Jew. We started dating about a week after we met.

We did It for the first time a half a year later when we were both drunk at one of her birth father's parties. It was awesome, mainly because it was only my second time and she was a woman (younger than me but still a woman). I asked her to marry me 4 months later.

Her family were all psychotic. I didn't know this at the time because she always kept things close to her heart. My dad married us at his church in December. I recall being breathless when she walked down the aisle in that dress. It was the most beautiful moment of my life, besides one. At the potluck dinner afterwards we shoved cake in each other's faces and danced like there was no tomorrow.. I remember thinking how could someone be so beautiful even with cake all over their face.

We moved in with her family that week. I know, I know, bad move but honestly we had no income or other place to go. This is where crap really started going bad. Her family are the kind of people who pretend to be fine & friendly until you become a part of it then show their true nature. Let the nonstop harping commence. Why aren't you working? Why is a bum like you with our daughter? You're a piece of s***. This was coming from my wife as well. Instead of dealing with it & sticking to my loving guns I gave in and retaliated, only against my wife though because her grandfather had physically threatened me with a gun & it turns out I was a coward.

A year later, roughly, we found out she was pregnant. Instead of supporting her I freaked out. We had no way to support the kid, no way to get what he would need to survive let alone thrive. I tried to convince her to abort but she wouldn't hear it. I tried to convince her to give him up for adoption but that was a no go too. So what did I do? I let my anger & fear rule me & told her I would never accept the kid. I am a b****** I know. Trust me I regret it more than you can probably imagine.

It took till the day of her going into the hospital for me to man up & tell her I was wrong. We were sitting there waiting for the final push, well she was sedated I was just waiting. Then the doctor comes in & says "Look theres some complications (the birth was 4 months early) there's a 80% chance your child won't make it. Do you want a DNR? I said hell no, having found acceptance, we're gonna do whatever it takes to get our son through this. He came out straight into an incubator, I held his hand once & then he died. He was so small he literally fit in the palm of my hand.

I was crushed, and that feeling was nothing compared to how my wife felt. Two weeks after the funeral, we buried him on my family plot, my wife's mother came up and said the nurse told her I'd requested a DNR. Everyone believed her including my wife. I already felt like it was my constant negativity that had killed him & now everyone was blaming me anyway. I didn't know how to cope so what did I do? Yep I lashed out.

Two years & many many arguments later we had our second child. This time I supported her the whole way. It was another boy. He came 3 months early. Straight into an incubator. I touched his hand as they wheeled him into ICU, my wife didn't even get to see him. 2 hours later a nurse came & informed us he was dead. They put his little beautiful body into a crib & left him in a small adjacent room so we could at least see him. My wife couldn't get out of the hospital bed so I brought his cold lifeless body to her so she could hold him. She clung to him for what felt like hours just staring blankly before I finally took him back to the crib. For the first time in 4 years I wept. I fell beside that crib and I wept until I couldn't weep anymore. Until the tears just wouldn't come anymore.

Her mother waited until he was buried next to his brother & then she spun her lies again. Thankfully this time my wife at least didn't believe her.

1 year passed & she was pregnant again. This time tests were ran and they determined he had a really rare disease that was passed from mother to child & is incurable. He survived but he's permanently on a ventilator with a trac, barely able to move, unable to breathe alone, unable to do much of anything besides lay there. Had we understood the magnitude of his condition we probably wouldn't have gone through with it but we decided to keep him. We couldn't deal with losing another child.

Three years later she has decided she wants a divorce. Can't say I blame her. We spent most of our relationship constantly hurting each other both mentally & yes physically to my unending shame. Now however I am going to be homeless & without either of the loves of my life. I spent the last five years of my life trying to heal the wounds & make amends but it was too late. I hadn't thought about suicide since I was a teenager but now as my life crashes down around me. I find the thoughts creeping back in, stronger than ever. I planned to hang myself tonight but here I am instead spilling my life story instead.

Feel free to hate me I am deserving

 

In Japan they had a rash of suicides when they went into a recession. Young men who all went to the same forest to end themselves, rather than bare the shame of being unemployed. Everyone has to draw the line somewhere, but I suggest doing the unthinkable and trying something different first, even if it is living on the streets. There is no guaranty that death will grant you any reprieve.

 

I’m sorry you find yourself here. You know, there were many things that happened that weren’t in your control, and some that were. You’re in a very painful, despairing place. Maybe seek some help to enable you to process all of this better. While I’ve not been through the things you have been through, please know that you won’t always feel like this. Learn to forgive yourself.

 

I appreciate your words but I've been homeless before & I really don't see a way to recover if I have to live that way again. I brought this on myself. I have to deal with the consequences. The regret doesn't seem deal withable though

Some people don't deserve forgiveness.

 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean dismissing what you’ve done.

 

Make the call.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

 

I already did.

 

Ignorant Laughter

Our future determines the meaning of our past,
For none of us is ever who we think we are,
Nor, might we always be true to ourselves,
Attempting to recapture who we once were.
Each is merely a part of the greater context,
The greater context, of the One Greater Truth,
The Ugly Duckling's fate is to discover they are the swan.
Something even death, can't deny the smallest amongst us,
For it was the smallest and most vulnerable who saved us all,
The one amongst us, who could still easily laugh at themselves.
Never taking themselves too seriously, shall the meek inherit the earth.
Personally, I'd much rather laugh with the sinners, then cry with the saints,
But, please, feel perfectly free, to just call me ignorant if that's what you prefer.​

 

Dont kill yourself, seriously. You've had challenges most of us have never faced, but you can bounce back, it's not the end for you. Question: Why did you continue to get your wife pregnant again, after two unsuccessful high risk pregnancies? It seems like you know something isn't going to be right and you keep purposefully going down the wrong path, knowing better. And why do you have to be homeless, why can't you stay with your faWe all make mistakes, but most important, we need to learn from those mistakes. Others have had it just as bad as you if not worse, and are still here, living, and getting on with thier lives. Have you thought about seeking help from a church, crisis centers, shelters, anything?

 

Umm if I came across as insinuating you were being ignorant I apologize.

We tried for a third child because the doctors and by extension ourselves didn't realize that something was seriously wrong. As to staying with family my father is in ailing health these days and I've been a burden long enough.

 

You've been a burden only to yourself. Offer to help take care of your father, in exchange for a place to stay, to get back on your feet and focused again. If he knows your out on the streets homeless, you'll probably make his health worse than it is with all the worry. He probably could use some help around the place,

 

I've had the dream of backpacking across the states ever since I was 14. Been working on getting stuff together for it since the divorce was brought up.

 

Do what you want before suicide...as long as you want to do something...do it.

 

Long Way Home

Create your own bucket list,
Saying, "Fuck it, why not?"
Learn to laugh at yourself, yet again,
As if, you didn't have a care in the world,
As you reclaim a little more of life's sparkle.
Never denying, your past, present, and future,
A newborn babe has yet to even learn how to smile,
Which is how they always know what remains important.
Sometimes, we all chose to, yet again, take the long way home.
Know that your feet shape the earth, as the way shapes your path,
And countless paths, but only one mountain upon the stairway to heaven.​

 

Well still here. Focus on my backpacking plans. Perhaps when I get out there in nature by myself I'll be able to do some soul searching & come to terms with the pain & regret

 

Good. Best of luck to you, be safe out there. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

Sorry to hear that you have gone and are going through so much.

I don't see anything in what you've said that is cause to hate you. You've been through some rough times. There's nothing about that that makes you deserving of hate.

Are you still feeling suicidal now?

Do you mostly want to get this off your chest, or do you also want suggestions about what to do?

 

I was primarily getting it all off my chest but if you have some wisdom to share I won't turn it down. The thoughts have subsided for now. I just gotta look for positive things I've got man

 

You might want to take a look at the first post in this thread Treating Depression and Anxiety

It's probably a good idea to take medication, at least until you no longer feel like there's any risk that you might make a suicide attempt.

If you are in the US or Canada, you might want to try calling 211 or visiting 211.org. They can help with employment, housing, healthcare, food, and other services.

If you are planning on traveling, you might want to check out the Rainbow Family

Maybe you'd like to try checking out a commune.

 

With my plans for living on the road with just whats on my back meds aren't gonna work out. I'm no doctor but I'm fairly sure that the depression is due to all the years of extreme anxiety & tension. More than likely once I'm away from those stressors I'll find things to be happy about again. As to the rainbow family that's my first planned stop on my backpacking trip. Just gotta figure out how I'm gonna get there in time