Have a read: If compiled were a list of those events Marcus considered likely to occur today, ejection from the passenger seat of his Camaro through it's very own ineffectually reinforced windows would have appeared 7 places from the bottom. Were he the least bit studious in his compilation of lists, he might have foreseen this flaw prior to piloting his vehicle 157 mph down a rain-soaked straight of road, but, as is understandable, lists come second to escaping hallucinations of pissed off gun-toting men on motorcycles in the rear view mirror for Marcus. This is something we should all understand and forgive him for, especially in consideration of the numerous mistakes he is about to make, after he comes to, removes his body from the spongy mess of grass and mud which spared his life, and scampers away from his tree impaled, fire-ridden car. Given the nature of his many wounds and fractures, this feat, which will not truly meet his comprehension for quite some time, must have been a more painful experience than any he could possibly expect to meet at the hands of those pursuing him. In tune with our dissection of Marcus' character, this choice is to be viewed as an undeniable mistake, a clear flaw begotten by human nature under panic, especially for a man who considers the term "human" highly degrading. Only a day before, Marcus couldn't have responded to quarries regarding exactly what he had to live for. Whatever he found in such little time is to remain a mystery to you, for it is of grave importance that any one person content with the character of Marcus Lane does not discover this motivation. Therefore, I will responsibly share with you the exploits of this dangerous individual only through the medium of morality which I provide. Knowing that you continue to read, I can entrust to you a single fact which others who have not made it thus far do not deserve to know: Marcus Lane is in fact quite studious in his list making, and had compiled a list of only seven events likely to occur this fateful day. You are aware of one. Having been deceitful in my previous assumptions of his character serves as a deduction of my own character, I am aware, but those of authoritarian nature will remain quite understanding as they share a similar knowledge as I do: that the ends justify the means. I only regret the rarity of such an indulgence as awareness of the ends while subject to the means, but awareness only comes as a gift, if such an idea comforts you. In sympathy of your plight, I will do my best to explain what little I may with a brief sentiment. If, hypothetically, Marcus was aware of today's occurrences as he may have been, was his decision to delay death, if only to endure additional hardship and agony, worth it, or was it a mistake? Marcus was happy if for but one thing, that his fateful journey through the windshield prevented him from subjection to the agony of tearing his body from the twisted wreckage of the Camero, or the resulting explosion which would have consumed him had he been too slow . For once, an unintentional gamble against outrageous odds had played out in his favor. If seatbelts saved lives, he wasn't entirely sure what was left in his possession through not using one, although as he will soon recall, his battered body moved of its own accord. Perhaps life wasn't his, anyway. As the glow of headlights from his approaching foes crawled ever closer, his mind followed his body's example, and uncontrollably commanded Marcus to the ground. There, it became apparent that there remained few choices, a majority of which would conclude in death; it also became apparent that a particularly intense pain in his shoulder grew beyond acceptable levels, the source being the two inch shard of his Camero's windshield which found a new home there. Perhaps as a result of his great vanity, Marcus' grooming instinct held strong even in times of panic, overpowering his foresight of pain. Removing the shard had three effects: Further, foreseeable pain, an outpouring of blood, and the provision of a rather efficient one-use melee weapon. Whether or not the glass would prove useful depended heavily on the behavior of his pursuers, and, of course, whether or not they expected him to remain in the recently detonated car. Compliant with the decision his mind had already made, he remained prone, covered in filth, some feet from his impact with the ground, and hopefully unseen. Let's examine these mistakes. Marcus had already scampered some feet away from where he made a friend with the ground, so that any fool could observe that he certainly hadn't died on impact. This is unless, of course, corpses are known for such behavior. They aren't. He continues his stay on the ground, hoping to remain concealed in his position. It's a wonderful thing, to hope, but this hope holds two logical flaws, through ignorance of the facts: Even this late on a summer day it is still somewhat light out, light enough to see a broken man covered in mud on the side of the road. Additionally, as if through a miraculous gesture by a benevolent God, Marcus hadn't stood out where he was, the rain had already cleared patches of mud to reveal Marcus' yellow shirt. The asshole had worn a yellow shirt. feedback, and hell yes negative, much appreciated
I agree with the above. (Gave up at "scampered", which I doubt is the word you want to use.) For EXAMPLE, the first sentence, at the very least, should change from If compiled were a list of those events Marcus considered likely to occur today, ejection from the passenger seat of his Camaro through it's very own ineffectually reinforced windows would have appeared 7 places from the bottom. to If a list of events Marcus considered likely to occur today were compiled, ejection from the passenger seat of his Camaro's ineffectually reinforced windows would have appeared seven places from the bottom.
i agree with weaselpop...you should just reedit the whole thing. please. weaselpop should edit it i mean.
haha Well yeah, my one friend said that it was convoluted ("in a good way") and I could understand it being hard to just sit and read through. I could use a good spreading out of sentence content, not to mention a complete editing for the sake of clarity. Lots of unnecessary wordiness, too.
LanSLIde, Have you ever read JG Ballard? This seems a bit similar to his work. His stuff is convoluted at times too-- but not so much within a single sentence. I would recommend breaking them up a bit. Keep the flowery wording and see how it sounds-- if you still think it's distracting, get rid of it. But there's nothing wrong with trying to have your own writing style...
I'll really have to check him out, his wiki article seemed interesting. He apparently died yesterday according to it, though, almost an ironic time to discover his work. R.I.P.
Wow... I had no idea! Some of his stuff is pretty straightforward, but reading your story I was reminded of 'The Atrocity Exhibition'... you should check it out.
