I'm not sure where to begin, but... I feel like I just need to get some things off my chest right now. If anyone out there cares enough to listen, that'd be great. If not, whatever. For many years now, I feel like I've been stuck in place. My living situation isn't exactly ideal. I'm a 26-year-old man who still hasn't left the nest, and still can't get a job after countless years of searching. I have a plethora of mental and emotional difficulties, including anxiety, constant depression, functioning autism, mild Tourette's Syndrome, social awkwardness and a tendency to be very bad at understanding how social interactions are supposed to work. I used to have a handful of friends in school, but since I graduated I've hardly ever seen any of them ever again. At this point I feel like I have pretty much no friends at all anymore. I can't drive, and don't have a car, and I have no money. So even if I wanted to, I can't leave my house. My mom and I struggle just to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, with the constant fear of losing the house I've lived in my whole life looming just overhead. All the pressure and stress causes me and my mom to get into fierce verbal fights a lot, thankfully it hasn't escalated into anything physical yet... but who knows how long that will last. My whole life I've just felt... worthless. I've tried to make something out of myself, tried to prove I can be productive and supportive to the ones I care about, but it's never gotten me anywhere. I went to college for art, something that I've always felt passionate about, but since BARELY graduating after many years of almost dropping out, I found that there was no reason to be passionate about it anymore, because no one is hiring in my field anywhere near where I live. And even if they did, I'm too stupid to figure out how to survive on my own. I'm way too dependent on my mother, even at 26 I'm not the least bit like any functioning adult should be. Everything is just so damn hard, and I've always felt like I'm alone, with my mother always being too disappointed in me, and never proud of me. I feel like I've been dragging her down my whole life. I attempted suicide a couple times back when I was still in college, almost got expelled for it too. But somehow, life kept going. But the fear and feelings of helplessness always remained. I made my account on these forums to "try and get laid", because I thought that was what I wanted. To anyone who meets me in the chatroom, it'll seem like sex is all I ever think about. I mean, I AM a total horndog and I've always been curious to find out what sex with a guy would be like. But I oversimplify myself, I make it like that's the only thing that matters in my life. But what happens when I finally DO get it? When my "quest" is finally complete? It won't solve any of my REAL problems, I'll just be right back where I started. The whole "I need to get laid" thing is just a shoddy excuse. Because the truth is... I have no fucking clue what I'm supposed to do with myself, or with my life. Everything hurts, and I just want things to be better. I just want to stop feeling like I'm all alone and worthless all the time. That's the real truth. I'm just a stupid, lost little kid who's reaching out for any sort of hope he can cling to. That's why my 3 relationships all ended... because I'm not even a man. I'm just a worthless, hopeless child who can't survive on his own and doesn't deserve the life he has. And this crippling loneliness is eating away at me every day. I don't know what else to say. But maybe letting this off my chest will help, somehow. I doubt it, though. Nothing ever helps. Because I'M the problem, and I can't find a solution. :'(
You aren't worthless. It's not your fault that you haven't been taught skills to help you interact and grow. Search around on the net for self help material, or find a counselor If you are truly unhappy in how your life is progressing, be persistent in searching and learning. Don't expect to be transformed over night,and don't feel like you should be anyone else than who you are, but try to learn from others, practice skills, and be patient. Remember that it's your life, and other's expectations don't mean crap.
Thanks expanse. I'm sorry for being so angsty. Living with depression is tough, with all these negative thoughts and feelings surfacing whenever they want. >_< But I'm feeling better now. Maybe getting this off my chest was a good thing after all. I kinda wish I could delete it now, but oh well. The cat's out of the bag, but it could be worse. It's better if I'm honest with myself, anyway. I may be far from perfect, but there's no one else I'd rather be... than me.
You said you almost got expelled in college for suicide attempt(s)? Please expand on that, tell us how that is possible
My art college didn't like the fact that one of their students tried to kill themselves. I guess they figured it's bad for their image. :T So they ALMOST expelled me from the school, but one of my favorite professors stood up for me and convinced them just to suspend me temporarily. It's thanks to him that I was able to go back and finish getting my Bachelor's degree!
apply for ssi or whatever they call it down there...seems like half the americans ive ever known are on it
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Please don't put yourself down. You are dealing with a difficult set of circumstances. Why not give yourself a break? You may want to read this thread about anxiety and depression http://www.hipforums.com/forum/topic/458019-treating-depression-and-anxiety/ If you are still feeling suicidal, or want to discuss suicide related issues, you may want to visit www.suicideforum.com You may want to apply for disability-related social security payments as spaceman mentioned. You should also be eligible for vocational rehabilitation. I think every state has a program. They can help you with the job seeking process, job skills, and training. Perhaps even more important, they can help you figure out what you're good at, what you are interested in, and what jobs would be the best fit. They may be able to pay for you to take a driver's ed course. Some kind of micro-entreprenuership might also be something to consider, and vocational rehab might be able to help you with that too. Seeing a therapist would probably be a good idea for you if you can find a good one. Family therapy could also be helpful. This may be a good start. Hope that things can get better soon!
You aren't worthless! That's ridiculous to think. And I am sure that your mom is grateful to have you no matter what. From your story you sound very much like my brother. He has a lot of the same problems that you do and hasn't been able to move out or make many friends because of it. He has been seeing a psychiatrist who has been helping him a lot and he just got his first part time cashier job. I know that sort of job sounds demeaning when you already have a college degree, but it has been extremely good for him and forced him to face some of his issues including dealing with people. If you are interested in seeing doctor about your problems but are worried about money, perhaps there are universities in your area that have a program you could look into? I know the ones around here have programs where the psych students who are graduating or have just graduated spend a number of weeks working in their own clinics where they see patients for almost free. I'm sorry if this is seeming too pushy, I'm just trying to think of some practical things you could do to fix your situation.
Still sounds suspicious. Suspended for a.suicide attempt then???? That alone would be grounds to sue the fuck out of them, get media attention , bingo, you are a millionaire
you remind me of a friend of mine who had major social issues, what he did was get jobs where there was very little interaction with people. he usually worked the night shifts at gas stations or as a security guard. me and him were into fixing computers and we both did that for a while too, he had no interactions with the customers.
Yes Onequest, that sounds more like the reality Online you can make it.sound a certain way, and these people will offer you what at least they think is good advice But in real life they wouldnt get the chance, becuase you wouldnt interact with them, because you dont like people. Then those same people might think you are snotty becuase you dont want to bother with them
I am done offering advice....when I needed to talk about things in my life....the people who just listened were the best and nodded or just said i understand or um...or yeah.....any advice was not what I was ever looking for....so that is why I said um...i did not know what else to say here.....I wish the OP the best, though.
Sometimes people just need to talk.....to figure their ownselves out and a good listener is all that is required..... Now, if someone says what should i do?....maybe they are looking for your input and advice.....
Or sometimes just attention. Although i mistakenly said he hates people, i think its a phallacy to assume antisocial means hating people. I hate people, but still would not...not interact with them. Probably more the case with the OP he gets bored with them too quickly or not motivated enough to try Anyway, some of us more cynical in nature have seen it all before, they dont really.want advice or help, they just want to talk about themselves, get attention and the reality of their life is the exact opposite of what it appears on the outside. He lives in jersey, so its not like he is living in some area with.chronic unemployment, and you dont go do an arts degree initially anyway worrying too much about.future employment options, thats about choosing what you are interested in over whats going to get you benjamins
Seek counseling Not because you "need help" dont deem yourself unhealthy. Your counselor can become a friend to you, and can enlighten you. Sadly it's just cuz their getting paid, but that's the world buddy and we know it. Anyone who comes around just comes around because in some form their getting paid. Not just counselors. Take that as your first lesson before you step out into the sun, because you will one of these days. And you'll fuck a fine price of ass okay? Just when you do, don't hurt yourself by being naive and getting used or just robbed in some way like I said up there. Also start reminding your mom you love her and if you guys get along hang out with her some in the house , yknow. In case your currently a hermit in his room, when you goto counseling if you do that can change. You've quite a few conditions bro, there's some place out there that you can reach out to for counseling. Some type of benefit. You have entitlements man, as a person. Don't feel worthless or nothin like that. Thats my advice to u boss man. Keep ur chin up
