The things I've done(long)

that make me cry inside.

I stole some kids la gear keychain in 1st grade. Right out of his desk. You know, the ones that came on the shoes. When I got mad, I used to tell my best, and pretty much only friend, that I wasn't coming over any more once I got my own nintendo and other wrong such things. In 2nd grade I punched a girl in the stomach and honestly didn't remember it 20 minutes later when the teacher came asking about it. I used to tell my dad I hated him almost every day. By the time I was 10 1/2 I had 'forgotten' about it. He asked me one day(same age) if I hated him. I told him no and asked why he would think that. He reminded me of what I would say to him and I've never forgotten since. I once threatened to throw his computer off it's desk. At one point in life I would tell him "you're not my real dad, I don't have to listen to you". I watched him go to jail because I was pressured by my mom not to tell the cops what I saw, as she was the one who should've been going. I watched my mom punch my dad repeatedly and told the cops it never happened. I spit in my aunts glass of water once when her and my mother were fighting. I used to call my mom an alcoholic among other things. I used to tell my middle brother that he wasn't my brother, that I hated him and that my youngest brother was the only one I'd talk to when I grew up. I used to tell him he was worthless and make fun of everything he had wrong with him. I used to beat him til he was ungodly afraid of me. I lied to and cheated on some of the sweetest girls I ever dated. One girl wanted to do nothing, ever, but be with or be talking to me. She offered to buy me anything I wanted, all the time(I wouldn't let her), and spent all of her time trying to be with me. It wasn't enough for me and over a years time I cheated on her more than anybody I've ever dated.


If you ever stop and think about some of the truly horrible things you've done to the people that love you, it might just change your attitude or your life. I know it has for me. Remembering those experiences alone has helped me grow as much as anything I've ever gone through. All of those things have shown me who I don't want to be, and why I don't want to be that kind of person. It's amazing how soon you can see reason and logic in the things your parents used to say to you at a young age if you just try to understand them. I'm 20 yrs old and I already see purpose to most of the things I used to discuss with my dad that didn't make sense then. Things I hated him for then make so much sense now. Not always what he did, but why he did it. When I think about the person I could be had I just listened and tried to understand then instead of now, I almost cry.

 

That's the problem, you don't realize most of this stuff until later... If I knew what I do now when I was younger, I would probably be a much better person. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, besides, if I wasn't who I was then, I wouldn't be who I am now.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've got no complaints about who I turned into....just the people that were hurt on my way to get to this point.

 

are you in the program, man?

 

what program?

(this feels like a classic set up)

 

yeah

it be like that

 

well, them's some deep thoughts. my husband was pretty much banned from his father's family because his uncle's ex-wife told his uncle that she found out she was cheating from dave, who was 15 a tthe time and had no idea. he was just the adopted punk black sheep of the family. the pain and humiliation that dave suffered at the hands of a couple warring alcoholics is one of the saddest things i've ever heard. when she got in the program, and she reached that particular step, she called up dave, 15 years after his ostracisism, and apologized. it rocked dave's world. then she had to call her ex, and her ex's family and tell them what she did, that they could no longer blame dave (which the fact that they ever did is pretty fucking appalling) for her failed marriage, and for dave's uncle's new girlfriend losing custody of her kids. unbelievable shit, man. i guess the lesson being, it's never too late for an apology.

 

ohhhhh an AA program? no. I just think back to things a lot. These are all things I did when I was 15 or younger before I'd ever drank or done any drugs. I've thought about all these things on atleast a weekly basis since I was about 16 or so. It's beyond me how I could allow myself to do those things. When I was 16-17 I used to talk to my dad about a lot of that stuff and apologized for so many things telling him that I now understand why and where he was coming from. It was probably one of the most rewarding things in my life for him to tell me that he never could've said some of those same things at my age and that he was so proud of me for it. I wish even if I could apologize to some of those others that they'd have any clue as to what I'm talking about. I'm probably the only one that remembers 1/2 that shit. I just hope I never forget it.

 

WOW that's a good old fashion Catholic confession. I hope I can be that honest. I've never been to confession. (I've done some things but mostly I'm boring so the priest might fall asleep before I get to the really good sins.

 

catholic confession? I'm agnogstic dear

To be honest I've done things that other people would probably deem 100 times worse than anything I've listed, but those are just the ones that I'm really affected by.

 

well, program or no, it's still the same effect: learning to be a better person by your mistakes. that's cool.

 

Chaos, maybe it's my lack of sleep but this thread has touched me--poked me in the eye, to be exact, and now it's tearing up. There is still mending to do between one of my brothers and I from when we were really little. I was such a little bitch but he was equally an asshole. But we could never see the pain we were causing eachother until fairly recently...

Its amazing realizing stuff we'd done when we were so young could affect us to this day.

 

yeah. it's just depressing thinking of the things that led to this point. I mean on one hand I wish I could take those things back, but on another, even if I understand the lessons as I do now would it weigh so heavily for me without the shitload of regret that I carry?

 

I didn't do my bad shit until I got grown

I was a wonderful child

 

lace, have you ever talked to your brother about these things? My brother and I have talked about certain instances and we'll both just kind of laugh while he says something like "Man, you're lucky I never beat you up for that shit" or I'll tell him "Shut up, you've still got a fat head".
I hope you and your brother can eventually forgive each other. I think the even harder part is forgiving yourself. If you ever want somebody to talk to, feel free to PM me

 

When I was 11-12yrs old my best friend told me her step-dad was molesting her and made me promise not to tell anyone.
I did end up telling someone, but not until it was too late. I live with that guilt everyday.
The same year, a neighbour girl fell off of a tree and died. It was my first ever funeral. When we were younger she used to make fun of me and tease me, but as we got older I got bigger and she stayed the same. So our roles switched and I started to tease her.
I'll never be able to apologize for teasing her. I wish I could though.

 

I just want to say thank you to those who are sharing stories of your own. I don't know how easy or hard it is for you, but it's appreciated none the less

 

yeah, we've talked a bit. We both thought things were pretty much reconciled a few years ago, but recently we have both noticed that there are still things (more influential than previously thought) that have been unsaid that are affecting us strongly right now. When we drove down to my aunt's house on christmas we talked a little bit about that. But it was mostly him talking and me trying not to cry, so I didn't say much although there was a lot I should have said. Progress will come, we both know it. Now it's just a matter of time and growing.

and hey thanks for the friendly offer.

 

God, I almost cry reading that because my brother and I have never really talked like that, but when I think about some of the things he would be likely to say it makes my eyes burn with tears. I hope when my brother and I are older we can discuss our childhood on a more serious note, but for now the fact that we can atleast talk about it and be as close as we are is enough. It's good that you're able to discuss those things with him. I know for a lot of people listening is the hardest part as nobody wants to face those truths, about the hurt we've caused. Perhaps it would've made you feel better to cry to just let go of it after so long. Do you and your brother talk often?

 

I can't imagine what it would be like to be like to be under that kind of pressure. I'm sorry you have to live with that guilt. It's a shame that one mans actions could not only affect one life forever, but also affect the life of a girl that had nothing to do with it. Have you ever really talked with people about these things or do you generally keep them to yoruself?