the tell a lame-ass joke thread

i'm boored of school.

I want a giggle.

who knows a crappy/stupid/offensive/daft/lame joke?

I know you all do, so share them, please

I'll start. (teehee this is so mean)

A pregnany lady goes into the doctors. "I've got good and bad news" the doctor says.
"I'll take the bad news first" replied the lady.
"Well, I'm sorry to say" said the doctor "your baby...is a ginga."
"Noooo" the woman cried. "That's terrible"
"The good news" said the doctor "is that the baby's dead.

 

there is like institutionalized hate for redheads in this country..lol

this one is soo lame...but

why was the tomato blushing?

because it saw the salad dressing...

and i got sent this one in my email..bleh

On a trian there was a Canadian, an American, a fabulously beautiful blonde and an ugly fat lady..

The train happens to pass through a dark, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard..

when they leave the tunnel, The american had a big red slap mark on his face.

The blonde thought: "that american son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hands on the fat lady and she slapped him.

the fat lady thoguht: "This dirty american laid his hands on the blonde and she slapped him.

the american thought: "That damn canadian put his hands on the blonde and s he slapped me by mistake."

The canadian thought: "i hope there's another tunnel so i can smack that stupid american again."

you can tell the source of that joke

 

a baby seal walks into a club..

 

lol ahahaha. what about this joke, the lamest of the lame...

A grasshopper walks into a bar. "do you know there's a drink named after you?" said the bartender
"really?" said the grasshopper. "You mean there's a drink named Stan?"

.............

here's another one...who remembers this one, it was hella popular when i was little..

A little boy walks up to his mother "Mummy" he says, "Why am I called Leaf?"
"Well darling,"huis mother replies "when you were born a leaf fell on your head, so we called you leaf"

A little while later his younger brother comes up. "Mummy" he asks "why am I called Acorn?"
"Well darling," she says "when you were born an acorn fell on your head, so we called you acorn"

The up comes the youngest boy and he goes "Yuanablugahnndaaahjkh!"
"Shuddup, Fridge" says this mother.

 

Have you heard about the new pirate movie?













































It's rated "AAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGHHH".

*falls off chair laughing*

Also,

Whats long, brown and sticky???

A STICK!!!!!

 

ok this is grottiest joke EVER but it's more of a visual one, so go the actions and you'll hopefully get the punchline.

ok, go up to somone and say
"why do women prefer elderly gynocologists?"

when they say 'i dunno, why?"

you stick out your middle finger as if you were poking at something and shake it like you are getting parkinsons...

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 

and tamsyn - omg ahaha.

i put "what's brown and sticky? A stick" into the babel fish translator thing,
http://babelfish.altavista.digital.com/tr

translated it into Russian and then back into english and it came out with

"it is brown and it is sticky? knob."

*snort*

 

lol, thats like an old guy joke.

a couple in a retirement home roll their wheel chairs down to the pond where the lady holds the dick of the guy...

one day the lady sees the guy with another lady and goes to find out why...

parkinsons

 

what's white and can't climb ladders?











... a fridge.

 

lol, i love that type of joke.

- what's small and yellow and sits in the corner?


a naughty lemon.



- what's small and brown and looks in 2nd floor windows?


a poo on stilts.

(btw, omg can anyone picture what a poo would look like striding across the countryside on stilts? bwahahahahahahaha.)

 

haha! seems we share the same sense of nonsense joke admiration.

What's red and invisible?


















... no tomato

 

wicked...ahaha yes. nice.

what about

what's small and red and eats rocks?
a small, red, rock eater.

don't you love how sleep deprevation can make anything funny?

 

ah yes, that strange sleep deprivation giggle, somewhat akin to the boredom jibber.

What's black and white and can't climb ladders?

















... a fridge with a leather jacket on.

 

ahahaha.

that's awesome.

ok, this is like an action-based joke - i'll see if i can descibe it.

first put one hand to you hip, like you are doing the handle part of the 'i'm a little teapot' dance.

then slowly flap the other arm up and down.

then ask someone 'what's this?'

the answer: a seagull coming home from the library.

 

oh man, that's SO CUTE! I can just picture a seagull carrying books home from the library! Aw bless!

and the "no tomato" one was great!

bahahananahahaha

 

superb jokes!!

here's one more:

A chicken walks into a library and goes 'buk'
Librarian looks a bit confused, chicken repeats 'buk'
Ahah, librarian gives the chicken a book and it walks out satisfied.
Chicken walks back to his little house he shares with his friend the frog.
Shows him the book.
Frog goes 'reddit'.

~

 

omg, i laughed so hard when i read that one that i'm now getting evil looks from the other people in the computer lab. woooo.


umm
so two sausages are in a frying pan. One turns to the other and goes "phew, it's getting a bit hot in here, don't you think?" and the other sausage goes "OH MY GOD!!! it's a TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!"

 

oh

why did the girl fall off the swing?
she had no arms.


why did the handicapped girl fall off her bike?
someone threw a fridge/freezer combination at her.


i'm fond of the next one:
what did the dog say when he sat on some sandpaper?
Rough!!


What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.

 

omg, lol, that picture is awesome.

what do you call a fly without wings? a walk

how many soundmen does it take to change a lightbulb? one, two three...one two three..

what kind of music do the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth Rock!