The Story of My Sexuality

I’m not sure anyone will find this interesting or helpful, but I feel the urge to write out my story in full so that I can understand it better.

In all reality, it’s rather uneventful and can be boiled down to this: I’m 29, married, assuredly bi, and have never acted on my desire to be with a man.

I’ve known since a young age that I was interested in men but I believe I was so closed off to the possibility that I never thought of myself as anything other than straight. I know that sounds hard to believe, but it never entered my consciousness that I would ever not only pursue women. Looking back, I can recognize feelings that I had for males in my life that I now realize were attraction and a desire for something more. I lost my virginity in my 20s to a woman who ended up being the love of my life. She’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with and now we’re married. I couldn’t be happier in my marriage and we have a good sex life. I actually can imagine a scenario in which my wife would be cool with my bisexuality but that part of me is so buried that I can’t imagine acting on it openly.

The closest I’ve ever gotten to acting on it is chatting with men on sites like these or others. I’ve had some wonderfully meaningful conversations and erotic exchanges that helped me learn about myself but I can’t help feeling like I’ve closed off a part of myself and it probably affects me in ways I don’t even know. I always end exchanges on these sites because I feel guilty about it. I could see myself content to have great sex with my wife forever. For some reason I just can’t imagine acting on my attraction for men and I’m the type that would be eaten alive by guilt if I tried to sneak around and cheat on my wife.

In any case, that’s my story. It felt good to share.

 

I’m remembering something else that is perhaps illuminating.

I referred to certain feels I didn’t understand until much later. The one example that comes to mind is a male friend that I met in college. I remember I was going away for a semester and we hung out with another friend of ours right before our departure. I felt this wonderful warmth towards him and the idea of leaving him behind for several months was strangely emotional. He was always very kind to me in a way I now believe to be a sign that he had very deep feelings for me. I didn’t see or understand it at the time.

A year or so later, a group of us, including him and my girlfriend went out to the movies. We hung out for a bit afterward together before my girlfriend and I went back to my apartment. At one point, she asked me, in a harmless and non-confrontational way, if that friend of mine was into me. I calmly said I really didn't think so. She said she saw him looking at me in a way that was very adoring, and I knew exactly what she meant. I said I was sure he wasn’t and we went to bed. But I didn’t sleep. I stayed wide awake and had what I can only describe as a light panic attack at the idea that she would think I was secretly into men. It was as if the suggestion that my friend was into me was enough to mark me too. I actually don’t think she would have cared but the intensity of my reaction and the anxiety that ensued, which was very intense and visceral, clearly stirred something up in me.

I truly do think he had deep feelings for me and might still.

 

More is coming to me.

The buried nature of my sexuality really shouldn’t come as a surprise if I think back. I grew up in a generation where the most commonplace insult was to call someone ‘gay.’ Any perceived signs of effeminacy or anything outside the norm for boys was labeled as such in a pejorative way. I actively feared being bullied in this way and was very private about my whole life until college. I have always had this secret fear that someone would discover my sexuality, stemming back to the time I worked so hard to avoid being called gay. There’s always been a real fear that someone will look in my eyes and find out I’ve been deceptive. Something is really painful and deeply rooted there.

 

Please be kind to me in your responses. The answer to all of this might seem obvious to an outsider but I’m really trying to understand this and work through it.

 

One of the things you learn about being bi is that you don't necessarily have to have the sex to be bisexual; it's not all about what you do but it is about what you think and feel. The things you've shared - and thank you for sharing - are things I've heard from a lot of other guys I've sat and talked to about having these dual thoughts and feelings for male and females - and that ever-present fear of what if someone finds out that you like both - and then assume that you're really gay and... put your mind at ease and more so if you're okay with how you're thinking and feeling and, if not, what it's going to take for you to be okay and, importantly, comfortable with the things you're thinking and feeling.

I understand not wanting to cheat on your wife - another concern I've heard so many men say and I've told them that if they can't do it, then don't even think about doing it because, again, having the sex is one hell of a rush - but you don't need to have it to be bisexual so why ask for trouble when you don't have to? Yep, I get that the... urge to do something about those thoughts and feelings are pretty damned powerful and a lot of guys find it hard to resist and the "trick" is to be able to recognize that if you could, you would but since you can't - because you do not want to destroy your relationship with your wife - then don't. A wise woman told me that there's nothing you can do about the way you feel - you can only do something about how you act on those feelings, and I know too many men and women who are okay thinking and feeling very bisexual and not of a mind to have the sex.

There hasn't been a guy that I've interacted with who wasn't worried about "The Specter of Gayness" hovering over them because they discovered that they might have a bit of a thing for guys. Except, gay men don't own having a thing for men, do they? I've seen guys beat themselves over this and for no reason since they're still very much into women and in every way you can be into them - but, yup, bisexuals like both. And I've offered that the only thing you really have to do is to accept that this is how you're feeling and thinking and that having these thoughts and feelings... is pretty damned normal.

And I don't know how many guys I've helped to understand this because they had someone they could talk to... without running the risk of getting their head handed to them. Other than being bisexual and married, the next worse thing is being bisexual and you don't have anyone you can confide in because you're pretty sure that they're going to give you a lot of grief about not being straight like you're supposed to or, yeah, you must really be gay so, yeah, that's why forums like this exists so that it's pretty damned easy to find others who are bisexual that you can talk with, ask questions, and hopefully get answers that will lend themselves to you being comfortable about your thoughts and feelings which, again, is more important than anything else.

The only thing that I can't tell you is how you can be comfortable... with yourself other than what I've already said: Accept that this is how you feel and that you don't have to do anything about those feelings and especially if you can't. Know that you're not the only married guy who has felt these things and even before they got married. There are a lot of us here you can talk to, too; you aren't alone in this - and you never were.

 

I thank you for your well-reasoned words. It’s good to hear that it’s not a problem unique to me. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking we’re the only ones, but in reality many people struggle with their emotions in this way.

You mentioned a couple things that struck a chord with me. First of all, the ‘fear of being discovered’ is real. It’s a powerful combination of internalized homophobia and deep insecurity. When I’m clear headed, I’m comfortable with myself and even enjoy the freedom that comes with being bisexual. It’s great to feel like there’s a whole world of people you can be interested in. But in the tough moments, it feels like this dirty secret. I haven’t spoken about this with anyone, not even my closest friends. For awhile, I didn’t even admit it to myself.

I also appreciate you mentioning that I don’t have to do anything to be bisexual - no sex required. Because I don’t think having sex outside my marriage is a good idea at all. It’s not worth and it would only do harm to myself and others. So leaving things as they are is also ok.

 

Agree Skip!!

 

Being bisexual isn't that difficult; we tend to make it hard on ourselves and one way to avoid this is to not pay any attention to the social bullshit being tossed around. If you're okay with yourself when you're clear-headed, then your goal - your task - is to always stay clear-headed. It feels like a dirty secret because our social norms say that it is and, as such, there are an untold number of bisexual men who are "in the closet" and hiding when, in truth, they don't have to since in so many cases, the only person who knows that they're bisexual is... themselves.

Really, you don't have to tell the whole world that you're bisexual. So, stay clear-headed about it and don't be insecure, don't buy into "internalized homophobia or even biphobia" because, um, how can you be suffering from this if you know you're bisexual? It just doesn't make sense but does serve to make guys afraid of being gay which, um, when you're bisexual, you're not homosexual - the words, clearly, have two very different meanings... duh. You keep your own counsel about being bi and what it all means to you and leave the bullshit in the toilet where it belongs.

 

Unfortunately the curiosities will continue to manifest and proliferate in your mind. There's a very strong probability that one day you may have that moment of opportunity to act on your curiosities. What you choose will either increase the current curiosities with the "I should have", or open up a whole new realm of guilty pleasure. Unfortunately the mind never stops working.
Good luck. There's no easy way out.