The secret to a happy marriage?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by ArtistofPeace, May 29, 2004.

  1. ArtistofPeace

    ArtistofPeace Senior Member

    The subject of marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. I can't really see myself ever being married...let alone happily married.

    I see my parents' marriage falling apart before my very eyes. They live together physically...but not mentally, not emotional...maybe not even in love. My father sleeps downstairs...my mother sleeps alone in "her" bed. Things used to be fine...but within the last year, things have just turned to shit. There has been a LOT of tension within the household. Now...they just seem rather numb to it all...like they've made a mutual decision to just live together, pay bills together...basically live a platonic roommate relationship.

    I am terrified of marriage. I don't see people being happy when they're married. I see trouble, stress, more worries...and a lessening of romance and intimacy. Then the kids come into play...all your energy goes into them...etc.....

    I guess I have a pretty bleak perception of marriage. Maybe it's the finality of it all. Maybe it's because I haven't been witness to very many successful marriages. I guess I kinda live by the rule of...two people should be together because they WANT to be together...not because a piece of paper says they legally have to be. I believe it's more flattering to say to someone "I'm with you because I choose to be" rather than "We're married...so yeah, of course I'm with you."

    Anyway...I'm babbling...but I guess my question is...is there anyone on the forums who has a successful, happy marriage? If so, what is your secret? Do you find that the romance or intimacy has died? I'm just curious as to what marriage is like for other people. Who's happy, and who's not?

    Thanks in advance.

    Peace :)
     
  2. DoktorAtomik

    DoktorAtomik Closed For Business

    I'm married in everything but name. I've lived with my partner for six years. We've lost none of the romance or intimacy. The main secret is communication. Talk to each other and listen to each other. That's the most important thing in the world. Without that, you got nothing.
     
  3. warthog

    warthog Member

    forgive each others falts ..& ,never go to bed mad allways talk it out before you go to sleep.(or you willl steam all night).dont smother each other, have your time off to do what you want & ,he can play golf or guitar...share the chores,& dont wait on him & ,dont expect him to wait on you hand ,& foot ..you guys are :"parnters."....Man is not the head of the house like in the 1950-70's..///money is the 75 % of what troubles married people...//.Never with hold sex as a punshiment..but it can be a reward//hehe//All these cats that cant cook ,wash their own clothes or, shop....its their Wifes fault for doing it for them so many years..they ENABLE men to be helpless ..if you can read a recipe you can cook.....a guy can run a vacum,& babysit...BUT i think myself its that 1 day aweek I can do anything i want....& she has her day.Your parents may still love each other //a lot of old married folks sleep in driffent rooms ..it dosent mean they dont LoVe each other..maybe they snore...or toss,& turn in bed..When you meet the right guy you will "know" if hes your "PARNTER".not a kid that needs a MOM not a wife...///& make sure he knows this before you get married//PeAce//
     
  4. DarkLunacy

    DarkLunacy Senior Member

    1)Financial stability - Tore up my birth parents mariage. They argued about finances so much that they decided to split up over it. They claim there was other things but it always goes back to the money

    2)Truth - No lies. Seriosully. My step-dad lied to my mom all the time and it was real hard on my mom.

    3)Comprimise - Be sure both parties are satisfied with a situation.

    My step-dad is a real prick. He tore my mother apart inside and got away with it. When it first started it was about him going to the bars, coming home drunk around 12-1, sitting on the couch and watching TV till he passed out. Later we found out that he had cheated on her several times (a familly friend even saw him in a bar with another woman.) She kicked him out but he then came by every day harrasing her and used me as a focal point because I was the one who listened and supported my mom (My brother [14 at the time, not his kid] took his bribes and my sister [his kid, 7 at the time] was being told to cry in front of her and talk about how much she missed him. I was the only one who told him to piss off) but he kept wearing her down and she overloaded and sent me away. Well when I came back half a year later, he was back, and supposidly was their cause we needed the cash and he wouldnt have a lot of control on me. He had made promises like to stop going to the bars, keep going to AA and not start his own bussiness(we lost over 100k from his last 3 going under.) Well about a month after he had come back he was drinking again, a week after I came back he started a new bussiness and 4 months later was going to the bar. They came slowly and subtly and in no time at all was a lieing sack of shit again. It all came directed to me again and now I'm gone and their all still doing horid. My mom is a shell of a person. Shes always depressed, crying in the bathroom and fuck, she may even be smokin pot again.

    You cant make tiny exceptions in mariage or it will end up tearing one (or both) partners up inside... At least thats the viewpoint of one teen who saw 3 mariages fall apart (Dad got remarried to but wasnt as hostile although they did divorce)
     
  5. DoktorAtomik

    DoktorAtomik Closed For Business

    Another important factor is shared interests. My partner and I have a lot in common. This means that all the stuff we really enjoy doing we can do together, which makes us best friends as well as lovers.
     
  6. sugrmag

    sugrmag Uber Nerd

    My husband and I have been together for quite a while, but we are not legally married. I agree with DR. Atomik. We are best friends. We were actually friends before we got together. We have similar interests and beliefs, we complement each other. People laugh at us because we still call each other baby, and say "i love you" all the time. It's like we're still dating.

    We get a lot of crap from our parents about not being "married". Some people say that we're "living in sin." Well, if they have to get all religious standards on us, I always come back with, did Adam and Eve go to a courthouse to get married? Who was the preacher that married them? that usually shuts them up.

    Don't go by what you've seen other people's marriages turn out like. Both of our parents are remarried. His brother is in a loveless marriage. Other people do not dictate what your life could be. If you find someone that you couldn't imagine living without, great. If you aren't comfortable getting "married", then don't. A piece of paper doesn't dictate love.
     
  7. ArtistofPeace

    ArtistofPeace Senior Member

    Thanks for all your replies, everyone! Reading what you all had to say really made me feel better about things. Warthog, I especially enjoyed what you wrote...made me smile as well as shed some light on some things...:)

    I guess lately, my parents have been on my case about my boyfriend and me, saying that...if I don't see myself getting married to him one day, then why are we together? Both he and I are pretty opposed to marriage, and we know we'll never do it. Maybe I need to just stop listening to other people...

    But really, thanks for everyone's imput. I have to say, I agree with everything you all said. My boyfriend and I have great communication, and we don't smother each other. We have a great relationship, and are best friends as well as lovers. I think that if we continue down the path we're on, we'll be happy for a long time...

    Sigh...anyway...you had great things to say. I think I can see myself being happily WITH someone for the rest of my life...but not married. Marriage is evil...haha.

    Any more replies would be greatly appreciated! Thanks guys! Peace...:)
     
  8. cbrmale

    cbrmale Member

    Today happens to be our 18th Wedding aniversary. The keys to a good marriage are to be both friends and lovers. To have common interests, goals and aspirations in life. And to be in love. Love without companionship won't last, and companionship without love is an empty relationship that will encourage either or both of you to search for the missing bit at some time in the future.

    Assuming that you are both friends and lovers, the most important thing is communication. After many years together, like your parents, it is easy to forget to talk to each other. But if you keep talking and keep listening, the relationship will continue to thrive and flourish.

    Talking and listening will help you set and respect each others boundaries, to reach compromises and to know and understand what makes each of you happy and contented.
     
  9. ArtistofPeace

    ArtistofPeace Senior Member

    Thanks for your reply...

    It's just hard to see the sadness in my parents. There is no more love between them, no more intimacy...they can't possibly be happy...

    My dad does hard labor all day, just to come home to a wife who doesn't even talk to him...

    I can't take it, and if I can't...I don't know how they can...

    Btw...Happy Anniversary...:) At least some people are happy...haha. Congrats!
     
  10. Another_Angel

    Another_Angel Member

    Hey there sweety,

    You seem like an intelligent chick. Like you, I'm confused about marriage too. My boyfriend and I don't want a piece of paper that legally declares our love to each other and sets it in stone. However, we both wear rings to show others that we are serious about our relationship. My boyfriend, Ben, saw his parent's marriage fall apart and his father is now living with another woman in England. Due to this he doesn;t want to get married.

    Myself, I'm not sure whether I'm for or against marriage and whether I want to get married at all. In this stage of my life I'm not ready for marriage and would prefer to stay as an unmarried couple, but looking to the long term for stableness in relationships, especially with the one I am in now.

    I agree with you that marriage would probably lessen to romance and intimacy. I've never been married but I think that in a marriage situation a couple would start to take for granted a lot of the things that would have made them feel good if they weren't married. I have heard through friends that this happens, and they are older people who have been married.

    It is nice to know that out of a marriage situation you have the power to be an individual, and leave if the situation gets bad. But, even so, a marriage certificate to me is just a piece of paper. It cannot determine anything in anyone's life.

    My aunty and uncle's marriage has stayed together, but they sleep in separate rooms now. He used to drink heavily when he was younger, and if it wasn't for that they would own a house now. But they had 5 children together and I suppose they are happy. I am not sure. They seem to be good mates now. Not sure how much they communicate.

    Another marriage I've witnessed was two older friends who celibrated their golden anniversary. They seem to be good mates. They still sleep together. They are not affectionate in public (it may just be a courteous thing to do in the presense of others). They own a bed and breakfast and a winery. This is the best marriage I have witnessed.
     
  11. Maes

    Maes Senior Member

    The secret to a happy marriage is admitting yourself that you'll never ever get to screw Liv Tyler.
     
  12. twoseeeyes

    twoseeeyes Member

    My ex-boss passed me on his secret on how to keep a marriage happy.

    Whenever you have a disagreement, argue with your clothes off lying in bed. See how long it lasts. Works for my marriage so far. Also shared interests is very important! Space is also important. A little breathing room keeps a marriage intact.
     
  13. Another_Angel

    Another_Angel Member

    My ex-boss passed me on his secret on how to keep a marriage happy.

    Whenever you have a disagreement, argue with your clothes off lying in bed. See how long it lasts. Works for my marriage so far. Also shared interests is very important! Space is also important. A little breathing room keeps a marriage intact.

    Hey there,

    In reply to your post, I'd take this a little more seriously. My boyfriend and I don't like arguing. He calms me down when I start to get mad, and I don't like hurting his feelings. I will usually back down when I start to argue as well. I think it might depend on the personality of each person as to whether they will argue heavily or not. But this is definately a good strategy for any relationship. Not arguing - talking things out. Unfortunately I can't ever have a difference of opinion or an argument with my mother. She just doesn;t want to listen to my concerns. Is it like this for other people as well? I just don't bother talking when she starts to argue, because I know she won't listen. I think listening is also definately a good one, and one that many people could take for granted.

    I think that also to have a happy marriage, one needs to try new things and not stick to routine. I am the kind of person who has a short attention span, and gets bored easily when it comes to routine. Its so easy to become stagnant and not listen when there's a routine. Adventure is always good in any relationship!
     
  14. ZePpeLinA

    ZePpeLinA Jump around!

    My boyfriend and I plan to get married someday, but we'd rather live together and then get married eventually. He asked me when i wanted to get married and i told him in five years, but it all depends on how things work out. It's not that I dont believe in marriage, i just think people take marriage too lightly, it is quite a big compromise (either living with a partner or being "legally" married) ... you really need to be ready to give up things and get used to what every day brings you while you're with your partner.
     
  15. ArtistofPeace

    ArtistofPeace Senior Member

    I think that also to have a happy marriage, one needs to try new things and not stick to routine. I am the kind of person who has a short attention span, and gets bored easily when it comes to routine. Its so easy to become stagnant and not listen when there's a routine. Adventure is always good in any relationship!

    Another_Angel...thank you so much for your reply! You actually sound a lot like me. I also have a pretty short attention span and hate being stuck in a routine. I guess that's what I'm afraid will happen in marriage. It seems that once you're married, you get stuck in the rut of waking up, going to work, coming home, cooking dinner...and then if you're both not too tired, spend time together and make love, or what-have-you. Then the kids come into play and you have to balance work, taking care of the house, and taking care of the kids...while still finding time to spend with your spouse. I hate lives that follow such boring routine. Every week just seems the same. There's no spontaneity.

    I agree with what you said about taking each other for granted once you're married. It seems that perhaps for the first year or so, a married couple is excited about "playing house"...everything's new and you're independent, and taking care of each other. But as the months go by, I think life just becomes so rote. You take for granted that there will be a meal on the table for you, or that there is someone sleeping in bed next to you who loves you. Maybe I'm just being way too bleak here. I guess when you see your own parents' marriage go to shit, you don't see much hope for it working for other people.

    The best marriage I have witnessed has been between my aunt and uncle. They were together for 3 months before they were married and they've been together now for probably 25 years, and are still very much in love. My aunt told me that the secret to it all is laughter. She says she doesn't let the little things get to her, like finances or petty arguments. She says you have to know how to laugh at yourself and take things lightly. I love hearing her call her husband "Baby" and him call her "Doll" when they're over. You can just see the love between them, even after all these years. And I know they still make love often. My aunt (she's very quirky) told me that they put their hot tub to good use...hahaha.

    But anyway...thank you everyone for your responses. I loved reading what you all had to say...:)
     

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