The Political Humor Dump

The bestest place for the political humor stuffthings.

I love political humor, but in the interest of an uncluttered forum and an easy to find collection of jokes, I suggest we keep the jokes in one thread.

---------------------------------------------

A video of florida's new voting system:

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/floridavoting.wmv

---------------------------------------------



-------------------------------------------------



----------------------------------------------

The Bush Loyalty Quiz.

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushquiz.htm?si=451

I got: "Your score is 0 on a scale of 1 to 10. You hate Bush with a writhing passion. You think he is an idiot, a liar, and a warmonger who has been a miserable failure as president. Nothing would give you greater pleasure than seeing him run out of the White House, except maybe seeing him dragged away in handcuffs."

 

haha, for the Bush loyalty quiz I got:
Your score is 0 on a scale of 1 to 10. You hate Bush with a writhing passion. You think he is an idiot, a liar, and a warmonger who has been a miserable failure as president. Nothing would give you greater pleasure than seeing him run out of the White House, except maybe seeing him dragged away in handcuffs.


holy fucking shit.....i got this on the kerry loyalty quiz:
Your score is 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. John Kerry is your man. He may not be perfect in your eyes, but next to the smirking idiot who occupies the White House right now, he looks like Abraham Lincoln.
well, seeing as how there was nothing about politics in that quiz, its perfectly possible....

 

I've suggested a few times that there be a humor and relaxation cafe on this board. I don't think there are any, unless I missed it. Hip Forums overall has a rather technical type of atmosphere and layout. It would be good to have a humor room for people to loosen up.

Keeping the political humor in one thread sounds good to me.

 

**

Thanks Jesus

I think this is a very good ideas, so lets try it?

For that reason i've made it a sticky.

**

 

The George W. Bush Loyalty Quiz

10 Questions to Test Your Allegiance to President Bush


Your score is -9 on a scale of 1 to 10. You hate Bush with a writhing passion. You think he is an idiot, a liar, and a warmonger who has been a miserable failure as president. Nothing would give you greater pleasure than seeing him run out of the White House, except maybe seeing him analy raped by the members of the NBA.

 

I think seeing him anally raped by the Harlem Globetrotters would be much more entertaining They could play that goofy music and pull off a bunch of cool trick shots.

 

Your score is 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. You can't stand George W. Bush. You don’t hate him with the same writhing passion as many liberals do, but you believe he is a smirking, arrogant doofus. You will vote for Anyone But Bush.


That's about right. I don't think he's evil, but I certainly don't support him.

 

haha did anyone see john stewart last night on 60 minutes?- talking about his book and stuff?....

he made some comment and it cracked me up. im trying to remember it. something like.... "yeah, we're hoping that kennedy will come and take us outta nam"... and then made this sarcastic face. it was great.

 

Yeah, I saw it. He was better on C-SPAN the day before though.

 

f

 

For those of you who can't pick a side, just don't care or are voting Third party this will kill you.


http://www.jibjab.com/default.asp

Click on "This Land" or "Glad to be in DC"!!!!

 

I actually did vote for John Kerry - before I voted against him.

 

lol.

 

I just had to get this one in before the election:

 

"One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again." —David Letterman

Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past
One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.

Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."

CLINTON, GORE, AND BUSH FACE FIRING SQUAD ​

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

 

Ooh.

 

Check out this week's onion, it's fuckin hilarious, but this was my fav. bit.

• If at all possible, vote before work. That way, you can make smug comments to non-voters all day long.
• The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don't worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise.
• If your election official hooks you up to a machine via a needle in your arm, you are actually donating blood.
• Tip for those on the go: Voting a straight ticket can save you up to 15 seconds.
• Remember that, as a member of a participatory democracy, you have a duty to make your voice heard on Election Day. If you find that idea hard to grasp, think of it like the lotto: You can't win if you don't play.
• Don't wear dress shoes. They leave black scuff marks on gymnasium floors.
• Voting is no longer considered uncool. Note that it is not cool, either.
• Many newspapers offer sample ballots. Buy 10 copies and practice, practice, practice.
• Remember to vote, or P. Diddy will kill you.
• This is one of the most important elections in recent times, so it's best if you just leave it up to the pros.
• When voting, you don't need to dress up in a scary costume or hand out candy. That happens two days earlier.
• You might think it's funny, but it's disrespectful to submit write-in candidates like "Don Knotts," "Mickey Mouse," or "Michael Badnarik."
• Remember to take the day off to vote. And the day before, to psyche up. And the morning after, to dry out.
• If you are black and a resident of Florida, work out two or three alternate routes to your polling place to avoid police checkpoints.
• The most important thing is to vote your conscience.
• Okay, this is your conscience speaking: "Vote Nader. Vo-o-o-o-ote Nader."
• If you are a Flintstone, make sure to put the granite slab arrows-first into the dinosaur's mouth.
• If you live in Florida, for Christ's sake, look at the ballot very, very carefully this time.
• Education is the issue Americans say is most important. Find someone with one of those to read the ballot to you.
• Keep in mind that the name of every person who votes against George Bush is going to be read aloud on television the next time we're attacked by terrorists.
• If you don't know where the polling place is in your district, just try to remember the ugliest, dingiest, most depressing building in a three-mile radius. That's probably it.

What To Bring
Remember to bring proper identification to the polls.
This can be:

• Driver's license or your chauffeur
• Passport and photos of your boyfriend in Paris
• SuperVoter discount card
• Note from president
• Proof that your grandfather voted
• Retinal scan or your alderman's retinas
• Two Iraqi scalps
• Receipt for your shoes
• Videotape of your first steps
• Halliburton employee ID
• Birthday card from grandmother
• Pint of sperm for DNA-identification purposes
• Casserole dish to pass
• A good friend who can totally vouch for you
• Signed $20 bill
• Autographed celebrity photo inscribed with your name

www.theonion.com

 

Government Emblem

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from
an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the
government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation,
halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of
pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being
screwed.


Zero Gravity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat
this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing
a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface
including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to
over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Your taxes will soon be due again--enjoy paying them.


Cows

Does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track
a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And they tracked
her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
illegal aliens wandering around our country.

And my favorite...........................................


The Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Can't
we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it any more.


​

 

Speaking of NASA, they have a way of overcomplicating things sometimes. On the shuttle missions that docked with the Russian Mir spacestation, the cargo to be transferred to Mir was loaded on many shelves all neatly in the shuttle. It took many hours to load and unload all this stuff. It didn't really need to be organized like that either since it was there to be transferred to Mir.

The Russians simply put things in a bag like Santa Claus which would allow quick transfer. Later, the astronauts on the shuttle did the same thing.

PS: The 12 billion for a pen is an exaggeration, of course. Although, there are projects in the military that have done those types of things.