The Night Sky Ben Spaetzel Eyes bleeding the stars come out for the glittering face of the beautiful. Galaxies prove themselves to be one for the cause and swirl with innocence. Throat swollen we find ourselves soaring across the darkness waiting for an end. The universe finds itself to be a blank memory of ones past. Nose running, will there ever be a reason for the sadness you have brought us? The solar system creates an illusion of safe passageway to oncoming traffic. Foot tired, you turn on the cruise control feeling that it will relieve your pain. The moon shines down upon you as you reach for the cigarette in the ash tray. Eyes bleeding, and off their target, a meteor comes into play. Particles flying through the black, you hurl toward the nearest star. Head pounding, life flies through your racing mind. Floating in space, you bleed to the sound of the passing onlookers. Ears twitching you hear them whisper. Into the night you float away, the car you hit is worse then yours. The hole in your windshield has a red line leading to a mound. As you release into the sky you see your body on the ground, still. Two lives floating towards the heavens, your life ends in a blur. Taking the pill you awake, and decide to go for a drive. “What a trippy dream.”
Wow dude, that was really great, excellent word usage. Though I'm not sure I liked the part about it only being a dream. I find it's more powerful without that. Also, and this is a minor thing, but towards the end of the first stanza, you get into this pattern of "this happening, you do this...this happening, you do this..." which gets a little...boring, I guess I'd say. But besides those little issues, you have a real winner here.
i guess the angle i was trying to take with the dream part was, that it was sortof seeing into his future, going on the drive, taking the pill.. i suppose your right though it is more powerful without that. anyways, hehe im just starting out with writing, and im liking it lots, so thank you for the constructive critism
I see, like a circular thing. Still, maybe it was just the way you wrote the last 2 lines, the style changed...I just didn't groove with it, I guess. Just my humble opinion there. Anyways, if you're just starting out, congratulations! you have real talent; like I said, I really liked it. I hope you keep posting
interesting story you've woven, I enjoy poems that deal with death in the present. I've written a couple myself.
