I might scrap the whole thing but the first stanza, or maybe write a fourth stanza. but here's what I got. The New Dawn The lashes of dawn are drifting away on the breeze so the sun, slow to rise, can open his eyes to a clear day rising the ancient way and shining like polished bronze with no offerings or prayers but the singing of the songbirds sleepy towns, dusty; and the bustling downtown traffic-- neither look to the east he new dawn is ruled by a clock
i love the first two they're very vivid, the third isn't quite as powerful in my opinion, but i'd love to see more
I love this stanza: I'm thinking bronze like the chariot that the sun god used in Greek mythology (Apollo? Icharus?) And the fact that the sun rises without offerings or prayers from human mouths, but rises only to nature's sound of birds: just an excellent image.
