The Mitch Hedberg Joke Thread!

Mitch's death anniversary was a week ago so I figure we should post our favourite jokes from him in his honour :sunny:

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

 

Bananas are kinda like stop lights.

With a stop light, green means go, yellow means slow down and red means stop.
With a banana, green means slow down, yellow means go and red means where the fuck did you get that banana!

 

I like the FedEx guy because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it.

 

An escalator can never break, only become stairs. Youll never see an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only escalator temporarily stairs, sorry for the convenience.

I used to do drugs, I still do but I used to too.

 

"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."

 

Acid was my favorite drug because it opened up my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margirine. I saw through the bullshit!

 

I had a club sandwich and I don't even belong

After buying a donut=You want a receipt? "No--I do not need documentation for this transaction." (I have used this one)

 

You go to the grocery store and your standing in front of the lunch meat section for too long and you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, tukey bologna. Someone needs to tell the turkeys... Man, just be yourself.

I like Kit Kats unless I'm with four or more people.

 

They say you should love people whether they're black, white, purple or green... But hold on now, purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. Screw purple people! Unless they're suffocating... Then, HELP 'EM!

 

When we would trip acid we would go out into the woods because there was less chance of running into an authority figure. We ran into a bear and it was even more of a buzz kill. My friend raised his hand and was swearing to prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and my friend says "smokey the bear is way more intense in person"

 

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

 

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I was like no but I want a regular banana later so yeah.

 

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

 

If you understand morse code-a tap dancer would drive you crazy---shut up-I don't understand it!

 

(looking at his drink) Look at the limes how they float, thats good news. Next time im on a boat and it capsizes I will reach for a lime. People say what the fuck? And i pull out a lime.

 

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

 

You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"

 

I wasn't hungry so I put a potatoe in the oven... On the off chance I'd be hungry later.

 

If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- "sure man no problem-- tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between ME and toast.

RIP

 

"if you have legs and are flammable, you are never blocking a fire exit"

You know, his death being on March 31 REALLY threw me off for like...months. I had just started listening to him and I was a huge fan and they announced the news of his passing on April 1. To this day, I expect him to pop out all of the sudden and exclaim, "Best April Fool's Joke EVER."