Well, I think I have finally done it -- messed up enough to destroy my first real love. And no, I am not hopeless, whining, or complaining ... just writing to get my thoughts in order. Through a series of misunderstandings that could have been easily remedied had I not decided (through one such misunderstanding) to keep a vow of silence, our love (and yes, I might be young, but I DO know it was love) has become bitter and twisted into fear and anger and resentment. And I don't know if we can ever fix it. I can't escape the guilt, the regret ... not for any individual instance, since they were all beautiful, but for keeping my stupid mouth shut. His shadow follows me around, sits with me in the park, lies next to me in bed, speaks to me in my head. He asks what he could do to give me peace ... and there is one thing, but I would never ask it of him -- I would like to take what we have learned, bury all the twisted nonsense, and try again. But I do not want to be a trap ... this whole problem arose because I didn't ever want to be a trap or a leash. I was never naive enough to think we could be together forever -- I knew it had to end. I just wish it could have ended on a good note. He is supposed to call me, "probably on Wednesday" ... but I'm not sure what to say or even whether or not to answer. Should we try to patch it up and be "just friends" (which is exceptionally painful in this situation) or should I simply cut him out of my life (which makes me feel quite numb)? No need to necessarily answer ... I am probably asking this rhetorically.