The End of the Line (or How Shall I Live?)

Discussion in 'Mental Health' started by Israel Regardie, Jul 17, 2013.

  1. This is not a suicide letter, but it's some sort of ending.

    I'm sure I'll close the tab before hitting submit, like I do with all these kinds of threads, because... I dunno. "because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine."1
    It does have all the elements of a suicide story. I just finished seven years of an art education only to be confronted with unemployment, loss of creative talent and no real connections or future. I have tremendous feelings of synchronicity and deja vu - as if the world was telling me something big is gonna happen - everything is wrapping up. Like the end of a really depressing movie.
    I just, literally, came home from the unemployment office where they originally were optimistic about signing me up for a digital archivist course with job placement, only to have the woman call me later in the day telling me not to get my hopes up.

    It's like consists of putting you up to knock you down. If you don't agree with that, you probably haven't been knocked down - yet.
    The ones who are happy - and they are few and far in between - just haven't gotten to the punchline yet. Like when I was happy five years ago - madly in love - only to loose her and thus hitting the ground so f*cking hard it still hurts.

    Here is the readers digest: I feel trapped. I always have felt like that. I avoided it by studying fine art for seven years, even getting tricked into thinking I "had" something - friends, galleries, grants, all calling me up and singing my praises, just to fall silent at the last days.
    But now there is no getting around it: I'm trapped. It's all a trap. Don't you see?
    Look: In order to live you need shelter, food and social elements covered. The first two requires money. Money is only obtained as payment. Which means having a job. But dig this: You have to struggle to get jobs.
    You have to beg and plead. And if, unlike me, you are lucky and get an actual interview after 100 job applications, they sit you down and sort of make you feel unwelcome and tell you that YOU need to prove yourself!
    You see? You have to fight, struggle, lie - you have to lick ass - in order to get money in order to stay alive!!! "You'll be doing things you don't want to do in order to go on living. That is, to go on doing things you don't like doing." 2
    It's a scam.

    And you can't get around it. Ever. If you wanna live, you need to spend 8 hours doing work for someone else, i.e. making someone else rich. I know, Marxism 101, but it still applies.

    What I am looking at is maybe 60 years more of suffering. 60 more years - if I'm "lucky" - having some crap job because everyone made me think I had a future in the art world. They let me waste seven years only to end up at the same position of having zero education, i.e. at the end of the unemployment line..
    My dreams of being an artist, an author, a writer, a thinker, are over and now I have to work really hard to get a crap job I don't want.

    Some people will think: Spoiled brat. I don't want your reply. I want the replies of those who recognize this and have some real advice.

  2. Tyrsonswood

    Tyrsonswood Senior Moment

    I've been trapped, more than once. Those synchronicitys and DeJa Vu... Follow them, it is a big change coming your way. Sometimes they are great, others will take all you got to get through. Another change will follow that.

    Best we can do is give it all we got, we get through.
  3. Right? It means something is happening. I know, because right before I met my ex, my love, I had the same thing. Thing of it is, though, "something" isn't always good. Suicide is a fucking big change too, you know?
    I'm not religious. But I do think Jung and Koestler were into something regarding synchronicities and singularities and those strange abstract Fortean occurrences.

    I have this image, this crystal clear image, of me sitting in my parents kitchen bawling my eyes out and then going down the stairs to my room and hanging myself. I very rarely get images like that, only twice before or something, and they were always much more vague. This one though... it scares the hell out of me.
  4. What happened, man. We were gonna get through this.... I'm stranded here. I'm literally at the end of my rope.
  5. I'm very sorry you are going through things and yes, I do understand what it is to be knocked down and to struggle.

    That said, life is all about perspective. The way you look at things... enjoying the small things. Having hope for the future (enjoying that job that you don't enjoy because you enjoy life)... is something that is inside of you and possible at all times. You ALWAYS have the ability to pick yourself back up again. The choice is always yours for the choosing.

    ....well, having read to the end of your posting... it seems like you have given up. accepted that as how things are going to be and are wallowing in self pity. sorry if this seems like the type of post you did not want to hear.. but this IS advice. Get yourself back up. Appreciate the small things and all the things you DO have... enjoy doing something artistic in your spare time and don't become a victim. It's all inside of you at all times, whatever you chose to seek out.

    (to add just a bit more.. I have had the de va ju stuff for a while now. I've had a lot of changes, good and bad in the past years.. I've been through things I won't even discuss here. And I see the light in it all. Only when you start to tell yourself you care enough about yourself to not ALLOW yourself to fall into a trap do you realize that the trap is in your own mind. Yes, you can look at it as we are slaving away-- in many ways I DO look at it like that.. but really, when you break it down... you do everything for you, and it's just just survival..the job.eating.shelter.- whatever deeper there is has to come from you and usually looking at life simply (the smalllll things!) is a good place to start...)
  6. I know. I know I fall into self-pity. I think it's because I have always felt that the world is against me. I get paranoid, think people hate me, which makes me act hostile so they do hate me.
    Right now everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. I can't move because I'm blocked at all angles.
    I can't get a job because no one wants to hire me, and I can't get social security because I'm lacking the right papers (which I can't get.)
    Everywhere I turn I meet angry faces and people wanting to make things worse for me. And I just can't take that much longer.
  7. Add to that that depression makes you selfish. Add to that that you feel the world has betrayed you. So why should I think of others? They don't care about me, clearly.
    If the world would stop, for just a while, attacking me and making every think I do a struggle towards eventual failure, I would be less selfish. Like with my first girlfriend - at the time in my life I felt, wrongly perhaps, that the world wanted me. But that thought was knocked out of me quickly.
  8. laughing-buddha

    laughing-buddha Relax and have fun

  9. RainyDayHype

    RainyDayHype flower power Lifetime Supporter

    I enjoyed reading your post and relate to it very much. You're a good writer, by the way. I've gone through depression and just feel like I've had a pretty rough journey thus far. I've been dealt some crappy cards, for lack of a better term.

    I just mentioned to a friend the other day that I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm waiting for something great to happen. Although I guess you can't always just wait, you have to strive too, which I have been.

    You mentioned synchronicity, and I was actually going to make a post in this very forum this morning titled 'Suicide Survivors.' Well, I'm glad you didn't close the tab and ended up posting because your words made me feel not so alone..

    My advice to you is to stay optimistic. I believe that if you keep a positive mind and outlook then you will attract what you so dearly wish for.
  10. Optimism is not my strong suit. I'm bleak at the best of days and my most optimistic mood is when I don't cry for a few minutes.
    Apart from depression, social anxiety, bad luck and little stamina, I never manage to think positive before another disaster happens.
  11. the Nexus

    the Nexus Member

    “When Svipdag came to the enclosure, the gate of the burg was shut (for it was
    customary to ask leave to come in and see, or take part in the war games.) Svipdag did
    not take that trouble, but broke open the gate and rode into the yard.”
    Queen Yisa said:— “This man will be welcome here.”
  12. Paulwenz

    Paulwenz Banned


    the creative mind is both a blessing and a curse.
    A few times in your life someone special comes in who is on the same wave.
    it is also like a nether world where you meet people on occasions perhaps a few words but there is an understanding , sometimes it is just a passing and almost like a secret recognition.
    My friend died a while back and i realise it will be a long wait , maybe i won't find another buddy.
  13. [​IMG]

    I have read so much yoga and hindu literature that I could probably (sans the social anxiety) host a inspirational seminar and become a feelgood-guru.
    I do not have what Kierkegaard referred to as "objective madness", meaning that I believe that if I do what everyone else does and follow the rules I will be accepted and happy.
    I know there are higher things and that what truly matters is the soul (atman, the pure light, the eternal fire, the ray of God/Brahman, etc) and that we are mere vessels at best and very likely mere illusions, maya, and living in a world of make-believe concealing the true reality which is uending, unfathomable and One.
    BUT(!) I am still here and now, I am still stuck here and now, I mean. Even if it's not "real" or "matters", even if it is just a dream, this dream is persistent, and if I "fail", "screw up", I am stuck in an unpleasant dream as opposed to a pleasant one.
    I.e.: The choices I make still affect me and can still destroy me. And being so "fragile", getting into "sticky" situations are dangerous... y'know?
  14. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

    sorry to hear that you are going through this.

    improving your health will probably improve your outlook.

    try getting some regular, gentle exercise every day, like a brisk walk.

    you may already meditate, but keep up with that if you do.

    eating fresh, lightly cooked whole food might help you.

    you might want to check out the book "Curing Depression Naturally with Chinese Medicine" by Bob Flaws.

    please keep talking to us

    you may also want to visit a site like
  15. Paulwenz

    Paulwenz Banned

    When you do get to the other side it is a relief and you are a changed person.
    There is no return.
    However the burden of this knowledge is heavy and difficult , friendships you look at differently but the good ones are more meaningful.
  16. Bud D

    Bud D Member

    I used to have deja vu, once it stretched into another world that I felt a lot at. Adult life doesn't seem to be about fufilling mystical inspirations, that is what the good parts of death are for.

    I dunno, seems something might turn around. I don't pray much but maybe that could work. It seems when I am really stressed, I talk to God. I talk to whatever intelligent force in the Universe exists, it just sucks sometimes when it talks back, cause it's

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