The Crazy Situation I'm In

Discussion in 'Love and Sex' started by APinkBunnyRabbit, Aug 21, 2005.

  1. So my amazing, intelligent, beautiful girlfriend is 17 and has extremely restrictive, controlling parents; they are borderline abusive. They don't approve of her having a boyfriend, and when her father found out, he took away her phone and made her spend the summer in PA. They control her, watch her, spy on her - after her phone was taken away, she would call me late at night whispering, until she got caught doing that, and her sister slept by the phone (her sister is horrible - she's 20 and she acts like a second mother to my girlfriend). She loves me more than anyone ever has, and I'm completely sure she does right now. Regardless, I haven't spoken to her in well over 2 months. She is supposed to begin college - I checked her school's website - on the 29th. During that period of time, however, I am going to be away, and not located near a number she can contact me at.

    I'm sort of just rambling, but I'm a bit worried and confused. I've spent my whole summer essentially waiting for her, and I am sure she has been doing the same. I am just confused - perhaps anxious at this point, as to how everything will get back to normal. Not being able to tell someone you love that you love her is hell. Has anyone ever been in any sort of situation like this, or been disconnected from communication with his/her significant other for an extended period of time? If so, what was the result?
     
  2. Wow, somone should tell her sister not to be a candy ass. I picture and fat girl who's never had a boyfriend of her own and is up in everyones buisness all the time. Find your lady friend, go door to door if you have to, print flyers, whatever, then when you find her pick her up, throw her over your shoulders and make a run for the border.
     
  3. DancerAnnie

    DancerAnnie Resident Beach Bum

    In defense of her sister. I'm 22...my sister is 15. I act like her second mother...for good reason. Maybe her sister has a good reason too.
     
  4. As a fan of talking to my girlfriend, and talking in private on the phone, its not cool to sleep near the phone so her sister cant talk to this boy. Thats ridiclous.
     
  5. DancerAnnie

    DancerAnnie Resident Beach Bum

    Maybe the boyfriend really is a bad influence?
     
  6. SillyBird

    SillyBird Greek Goddess

    My sister is 24 and I'm nearly 17 and she acts exactly the same way. She just keeps telling me she doesn't want me to make any stupid mistakes and mothers me more than our actual mother. When she met my guy she spent the whole time lecturing him on what would happen if he ever hurt me. In the long run the sister must care but it can be really annoying.

    I don't want to find ways to decieve you gf's parents, but when my parents used to take my phone I bought a prepaid phone thing from like walmart or something and would just use that. Maybe that could work for her. Sadly though, if she's going off to college she probably will need her space for a while, that's a big transition.
     
  7. DirtyVibe

    DirtyVibe Member

    for me, even if the intentions of people are good and they care for me, but they arent doing good, i will harm them to get them to stop harming me since i dont care for that person. id get the girl to tell her sister and parents to fuck off. shes 17, almost an adult. she can make choices for herself. get ur girl to grow some balls.
     
  8. My parents are kind of like that. For one, they don't know I'm bisexual, but that's a different story. I used to tell them I was going to the movies with friends when I was really fucking my boyfriend. Maybe you could try something like that. As long as your parents are cool with it, you're fine.....wait. You're fucking twenty-something and in college and this shit's happening to you? Where do you live? That's crazy. You guys are adults, make your own decisions. It doesn't matter what your parents say anymore.
     
  9. DirtyVibe

    DirtyVibe Member

    yo if your 20something and shes 17 that may have something to do with it.
     
  10. I'm 16, she's 17.

    No, I'm not a bad influence - her family is simply psychologically disfunction . Her father is a Muslim fundamentalist, who lives far away and controls the family. Her mother is one of the most offensively ignorant people in the world. She gives my girlfriend no freedom, treats her like a child, etc.

    The sister is a complete bitch. She hits my girlfriend, she uses her stuff without asking (and breaks it), she treats her with no respect and constantly condescends; she has never had a boyfriend, or even a real friend of her own, and is jealous of her sister (my girlfriend).

    When she was around, she would get to see me. It would be hard, and she would have to lie to her mom, but we would get out and get to spend quality time with each other several times a week; we also went to school together. Since she has been pulled away - halfway through June - I haven't seen her.

    It's not that my girlfriend doesn't argue against her parents and doesn't stand up for herself; they simply give her NO freedom. In 6th grade, she had a boyfriend for a few days; her parents found out, and her father moved the whole family to EGYPT to punish her. They lived in a shitty area, where my girlfriend would always have sketchy sexually-repressed Fundamentalist Muslims want to rape her. Every day they spent there, they blamed on her ("we wouldn't have to be here if you could behave"). No I don't make this shit up.

    While we have considered running away and other possibilities, it is just best for her to wait until 18 to move out. I have money saved up so we can rent an apartment to live together in, and she can get a job as a waitress or something - all will be good.

    It's just weird; I haven't heard from her in months, and I will see her again in a week or less. How, I wonder, will we initiate contact? What will we say... - we'll have so much to talk about. Ah, well, thanks for your posts guys (and girls)
     
  11. mighty_thor

    mighty_thor Member

    Oh... That changes everything.

    You didn't mention that her family was Muslim. Islam is a very broad umbrella, and covers a very wide range of beliefs and lifestyles. However, the behavior you describe is not at all uncommon in certain sects.

    Please understand that a person's religion is central to their entire life. It controls and explains how they view almost everything, and how they act and react. It is also something they do not give up or change easily.

    Since your GF is from this Muslim heritage, it is also part of HER, as well.

    In some branches of Islam, young girls are treated in ways that would horrify most readers of this forum. As I understand it, it is a part of their faith that the family MUST protect the young girl's HONOR, and ANY relations she has with a boy, even a friendship can be seen as destroying her worth and value. This also brings shame and devestation to the family. These beliefs are often more cultural than anything else, but by analogy, a lot of what is preached as Christian doctrine is nothing more than cultural in nature, and never appears anywhere in scripture.

    I suggest that you read up about Islam. Particularly, not just the Koran, but also the Hadith, or the "traditional" laws. Perhaps you can come to some understanding of their behavior, even if you don't accept their views.

    As a final thought, all will NOT be good if you get her to leave her family at 18. First of all, it will cause a dangerous rift with her family. They will suffer because of her "impious" ways. The consequences could be tremendous for them. Next, it isn't really fair (although it happens) to ask her to choose between life with you, or life with her family. That is a tremendous sacrifice to ask anyone to make. Finally, she carries these beilefs within herself, and at some point in the future will feel tremendous guilt about abandoning her heritage and not doing the "right thing."

    It sounds like you two would have almost insurmountable obstacles to overcome. I'm not trying to be all gloom-and-doom here, but this is serious. It can be really heart-breaking, but things like this really do matter, and you need to consider these issues VERY carefully if you plan on being together.
     
  12. Her family treats her like shit man. They blame everything on her, they make her clean/do all the work, they control every aspect of her life. She has no interest in living like that.

    Her family isn't really Muslim, just her dad. Her mother is American. The mother and sister occasionally attend Muslim services out of respect for the father, but he is the only Muslim in the family, and he doesn't live with him.

    I fail to understand your logic (though I appreciate your input thoroughly), mighty_thor. Because these beliefs are traditional and held by the rest of her family, but not her, she is obligated to hold true to them and to let her life be controlled her parents because it makes them happy?

    At 18, she has a legal right to move out. Excercising that right so the constant psychological torment of her family's ways doesn't eat at her every day seems like the best choice. It's one she wants to make. She does not want to be like her sister. She does not want to be a doctor or lawyer (the only occupations she is allowed to choose, according to her father, and the only schooling for which he will pay for). She wants to live her life for herself. She also dearly loves me, and she has a right (at 18) to make a choice as to with whom she wants to live and to control her life.
     
  13. toolmaggot

    toolmaggot Nuts Go Here.

    Oh, no wonder, dude. Her dad's a towelhead. My dad's Syrian, and it's pretty much the same bullshit. Though not quite to that extent. My mother is also American.. though muslim.

    Arabs are fucking crazy, man. If her dad's anything like mine, he'd probably hunt her down if she moved out at 18. You're lucky he's not after you.

    I'd wait until she's 18. Then when her dad tries to honor kill her, call the cops and get him deported. Or maybe shot. One less sand ****** to deal with.

    Until then, can you go visit her at college?
     
  14. mighty_thor

    mighty_thor Member

    It's a tough problem. No doubt about it.

    No, I'm not trying to tell you or her what to do, but I did want to raise some issues you may not have been aware of.

    I'm thoroughly American in my views on this... very much in favor of individualistic and independent behavior. I totally agree with everything that you've said about living your own lives, and within our culture, the kind of stuff you've described in her family is extremely unhealthy. However, in other cultures, our ideas about choosing our own paths would be considered just as wrong.

    I don't have an answer for you.

    The bigger problem is hers. Even if you two do not stay together as a couple, she still has to decide the path of her own life: radical independence, complete submission to an imposed tradition, or some middle path which pleases no-one, but also doesn't alienate anyone completely either. All paths have a high cost, and all have their rewards.

    I don't have an answer for her, either.

    I hope it goes well for both of you.
     
  15. DirtyVibe

    DirtyVibe Member

    In the end, whatever she does is ultimately HER choice. She has had the choice to see you throughout the summer, regardless of her being punished or not. If she wants to live oppressed, so be it.
     
  16. DirtyVibe

    DirtyVibe Member

    "
    As a final thought, all will NOT be good if you get her to leave her family at 18. First of all, it will cause a dangerous rift with her family. They will suffer because of her "impious" ways. The consequences could be tremendous for them. Next, it isn't really fair (although it happens) to ask her to choose between life with you, or life with her family. That is a tremendous sacrifice to ask anyone to make. Finally, she carries these beilefs within herself, and at some point in the future will feel tremendous guilt about abandoning her heritage and not doing the "right thing.""

    Honestly, who cares what happens to her family? They've made her suffer to the point where it wasn't her choice and any suffering they go through will be *their* choice for continuing to not think for themselves.

    And, it is fair to ask in a relationship to choose. The two sides are conflicting and one's got to give under the pressure or they will both explode on each other. The girl's got to choose freedom or oppression. Especially in a case like this. 10 bucks her dad is a closet case.
     
  17. It's not her choice. They took her 8 hours away, unplugged the computer, took away her cell, and kept tabs on her. She used the house phone late at night a few times, but I'm guessing they found a way to stop that.

    She isn't the type of person who wants to be opressed, or who doesn't fight. She's a fighter by nature - she wants freedom.

    I know they were threatening to send her to college in Ohio; I also know, however, that she is going to attend college as originally planned in NY (I know this through asking administration at my high school - the assistant principal was able to get in contact with her in July). I assume being allowed to attend college in New York would be taken away if they found her contacting me again, which is why she can't.

    I'm not quite sure how to deal with this. I don't know if she will have the same cell number, and if she calls me, she won't get an answer. Should I try calling her anyways and risk getting her in trouble, or just wait in front of her building all day long in hopes of seeing her?
     
  18. DirtyVibe

    DirtyVibe Member

    "It's not her choice. They took her 8 hours away, unplugged the computer, took away her cell, and kept tabs on her. She used the house phone late at night a few times, but I'm guessing they found a way to stop that."

    She couldn't sneak out of the house?

    "She isn't the type of person who wants to be opressed, or who doesn't fight. She's a fighter by nature - she wants freedom."

    I'm not saying she's not. In fact, I probably would have done less than her.

    I'm just saying that she's not like a ghandi or anything. Anyhow, I wish the best for her and it's unfornunate that she had to grow up in an environment that she doesn't agree with. She'll be an adult able to make safe, good decisions for herself soon enough though.

    To help though I'll spend some time thinking on this and get back to you tomorrow.
     
  19. JanaXGIRL

    JanaXGIRL Senior Member

    yeah.. most of the time, we're NOT together.. that makes me incredibly sad.. :(
    soo.. I don't know what to tell you..
    ehm..

    don't stop loving her.. it's gonna get better, for sure! :)
     
  20. toolmaggot

    toolmaggot Nuts Go Here.

    I'm telling you, dude. Once she turns 18 she can tell her dad to fuck himself, and if he tries to come after her she can go to the cops. Nobody likes towelheads.
     

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