the asshole friend

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we are engaged and have our first baby on the way :daisy: i am extremely happy with him and i know he loves me and is happy with me, our relationship is awesome, i mean i can't complain honestly. But....he does have that one friend, his best friend of course, who i feel just does not like me. i can't say that i am crazy about him either, but i definitely respect him as a person and am always super nice to him. but he is not and it is sooo frustrating, because my boyfriend always wants to hang out with him. and they have been best friends since middle school

I don't know how to explain him to you all. he is just...rude. self-righteous. judgmental. he seems to think less of me because i'm not really a religious person, and he KNOWS jesus is the way (yet acts nothing like him) - i mean, he always thinks HE is right about everything, he seems to hate that i have a mind of my own. as if women aren't supposed to think for themselves. he mostly has only negative things to say about other people, he calls other people's OPINIONS stupid and stuff like that, which bothers me. i'm a completely open minded person and so is my bf, and he realizes his friend is an asshole, but he accepts it. i'm having a harder time, you know?

like earlier, i was talking about how i was going to breastfeed my baby. he said his cousin, who is a nurse practitioner, and also has kids said that breastfeeding really wasnt any better for the baby and formula was just as good. and i stated my opinion on the matter, respectfully, just stated WHY i wanted to breastfeed and he had just responded with "whatever, i think ill believe my nurse practitioner cousin who already has kids"

he basically tried to make me feel stupid, you know? he said it in such a condescending way. or it seemed that way. he always tries to push my buttons, and i dunno. my bf never really says anything to him when he says disrespectful things to me. i just hate being around so much negativity, but i dunno what to do. it's my fiances best friend. i just hate how down i get around him. i have no idea what to do, and none of you may either

sorry if i rambled, i just wanted to get it out

 

1. Oscar Wilde wrote, "A true friend always stabs you in the front."

Proverbs 27:6 says "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful."

 

Eventually he'll outgrow a guy like that. Encourge him to find better people to make his friends. When asshole friend comes over, don't be around. He shouldn't be over any more than once every 2 weeks. It'll fade.

 

calgirl, I've tried man. but it truly is like his best friend, one of the only friends he enjoys spending time with. so I feel bad trying to take that away. I try not to be around him so much but when i'm not around he seems to talk about me even worse, JUST because I don't want to around him. he knows that, he acts like i'm the irrational one bc i want to be away from that crap. i know im not though. i just don't like the disrespect. It's fine with me if he disagrees with me, but he doesn't have to have such a "better than you" attitude and be sooo condescending. I put up with it because im a nice person, but sometimes it makes me question myself, know what i mean? Sometimes someone always acting that way towards you makes you self conscious, makes you think about yourself. maybe thats what hes trying to do to me. i have no f-ing idea

i just get bad vibes. always negative. never moving forward. My bf definitely needs a new crowd, but he loves this guy. i just feel bad. i would hate to make him choose. Maybe I should just put with it

 

no he won't. They're best friends man. I have a best friend. And we fight and all that, but we'll never outgrow each other. ALso, trying to subtly encourage the guy to find new friends is really mean to his best friend and will be interpreted as jealousy or something.

Guys always hate when their best friends get girlfriends because it means they have to stop spending time with them (and if they're best friends, that's probably what they're used to doing), accept that someone may be closer to them (even if its in a different way) and also it means that they are forced to have to look at their best friend's girlfriend as a nonsexual entity (which is sometimes a bit weird). If you're hot it's way worse.

The guy is probably nice and seems mean to you because he's slightly jealous. Maybe he's also sad because his best friend has a happy comitted relationship and he doesn't (or does he?).

Either way, my best friend and I always make sure to get compatible girlfriends so that dating girls doesn't fuck over our relationship. THat way we have sick double dates and stuff. When we both have girlfriends, things are awesome. You should try to figure out how to get that vibe going and try to befriend the guy.

Also, as someone raised Catholic, I understand the no-exceptions-absolutist religious mind and how hard it can be to deal with. Personally, I am not religious, but I am heavily spiritual and I like to practice hermeticism, alchemy, different forms of meditiation, etc, but -- especially when reading the gnostic christian texts -- I have learned that christianity actually plays into all of the legit aspects of spirituality (it's just that it hides them behind a veil of stupidity and morals designed for the ignorant masses -- good christianity is purposefully esoteric). Learn a little about his religion and how it fits into your own spiritual ideas and how they cross over and try to have a legitimate discussion. Unless you're a nihilist or he misinterprets his own religion to dramatically, it should work.

When I speak to a non-religious person, I speak about science, philosophy, art, meditation, spirituality, yoga, all that cool stuff. When I talk to a religious person, I talk about all the exact same things but I frame them in the context of a religion (any religion works, but I tend to use christian symb/myth - ology because I was brought up that way). Understand that they are all the same thing. Jesus is Atman, the Holy Spirit is Brahman!


e: I actually only read this thread down to calgirl's post. Now that I have read your last post csunchild, I think I am even more sure of what the situation is like. There is a certain kind of relationship people can have (I think this is a male bonding thing, but maybe its for chicks too, not sure) where you're really true best friends and it sounds like one of those and relationships with females can really fuck with that kind of relationship. You should NOT try to fuck up this relationship. Understand that, from his perspective, he's been besties with your boyfriend for longer than you have know him right, so when someone comes in and kicks him out of #1 spot in his friend's life, he probably feels hurt (even if its a misplaced and silly emotion for this situation) and the way he treats you is a reflection of that hurt.

Also, with these types of relationships, there is often a more dominant one, so, depending on which role he plays, he may not have that much else to live for (especially if he's a bible thumping douche), so consider all of this and understand that you CANNOT break up their friendship (if they stop hanging out by their own accord so be it). If you were to purposefully break up their friendship, it would fuck over your relationship with your boyfriend pretty severely, so, since that's not an option, your best bet is to integrate yourself into it in some way and find a way to make it so that if the three of you are hanging out, he is not the third wheel. So you have to either find him a girl so you can hang out double couple-style, or you have to find a social vibe that fully removes sexual relationships from its context (so that a couple and another person can chill and have no third wheeling), which is possible only through true mutual interest or through doing activities together (rather than just "hanging out").

I normally wouldn't have typed so much about this, but I just feel that I have a perfect example of the relationship you need to have with your boyfriend's friend in my life. The difference, of course, is that I was friends with my best friend's girlfriend for a long time before he knew her and I introduced them, so it's not exactly the same thing, but you get the idea.

 

Hedgeclipper - wow, thanks so much for the thoughful response. it means a lot to me. i completely, completely understand where you are coming from. i appreciate the advice! i DO NOT intend to fuck up their relationship at all. i know that this guy means a lot to my boyfriend. I honestly don't mind him and i'd love to be friends, i just feel like he does not want that so we can't get there. it's frustratingly annoying and even more so to try to explain. blah i'm no good with words. anyway, i would not ever ask my boyfriend to stop hanging around him. i'd leave the relationship before i asked that of him, if it ever got that serious, just because i'm that kind of person. he does have a girlfriend himself, but their relationship isnt that great. his gf has a drug problem & would always rather be around a group of friends rather than just the two of them spending time alone, and theyve been together for as long as me and mine have. they definitely do not have the closeness that my fiance and i have, i mean we live together. I never really considered him being jealous... i try not to think too highly of myself to assume that anyone would ever be jealous...hmmm, it may be true. I try not to be too hard on him. his mother committed suicide when he was in elementary school, he has an autistic brother. that's why I always ALWAYS am super nice and friendly and try to find some common ground with him. however, there is always a douchey moment that makes me feel like shit. I would never try to take my boyfriends friendship away from him, just wanted to make that clear. My boyfriend is truly the only guy that super wants to chill with him, ever. my boyfriend is such a good guy. I think I may be beginning to understand a bit more now..

I guess i just needed some advice on how to deal with the situation. thank you, Faelixx, for your lovely advice as well. maybe I should do what you said and just sit down and ask him why he is so disrespectful sometimes and ask him to chill, nicely. I want to help him, if i can you know? you are right, it's a bit stressful especially being pregnant/hormonal to have someone talk down to you all the time and seemingly purposely make you feel dumb about your choices and beliefs. I won't judge him as harshly though, and i forgive him, i'm a pretty chill and down to earth girl if he'd just realize that. I have no problem with HIS beliefs or choices. ALL i want is the mutual respect. That's all i'm really asking for, then everything would be just fine.

Thanks for making me think a bit more in depth about how this guy may be feeling and perceiving things. i dunno, maybe we can work this all out and become friends after all.

 

I wasn't going to say much in this thread seeing as I agree with what the others here have already told you.

But now that you told us he has an autistic brother, is it possible this guy (your bf's bestie) is also on the autistic spectrum? Autism does run in families especially in males, and it would explain a bit of his behavior, his off the wall comments that seem to ignore all social ques of what is or isn't appropriate to say.

Also if he does have autism/aspergers, it would explain why he is attracted to extreme interpretations of religion because it defines the world in black or white, right or wrong, context which is easier to understand.
It is hard for people with autism/aspergers to see or even understand the shades of gray because they're forms of non-verbal communication that most other people see as obvious.
(Ex: tone of voice, body language, awkward VS non-awkward behavior depending on the context of the situation)

The rest would be his stubborn personality.

Just thought I'd throw that out there as food for thought.

@csunchild, might I ask how he carries himself posture wise? I ask because this can be an indicator of how aware he is of his surroundings. If he carries himself awkwardly it might mean he is unaware of his surroundings to a degree. This would feed into my theory that your boyfriend's bestie has some form of autism. Although I'd keep these thoughts to yourself.

I have a friend who is autistic who can be like this at times, but I'm single and I haven't been in the dynamic you find yourself in.

When I do hang out with that person I tend to hang out one on one, and even then I limit the time I spend with that person because I can get sucked dry out of patience after a while.

Also even if I'm right and he does have aspergers/autism (officially diagnosed or not) what Hedgeclipper said about jealousy can still be totally valid. In fact even more so, if your boyfriend's bestie sees your boyfriend as his one true friend.

Just talk to your boyfriend about how you feel especially since your pregnant and see what can be done.

 

Oh geez when I bring up the gnostic texts in conversation with some of my Christian friends they all tell me the gnostic texts are bunk because they were written in Coptic and that somehow makes them invalid.

They also think the whole Atman Brahman (concept comes from Hinduism I think) is all lies as well because Hinduism conflicts with Christianity on the issue of reincarnation.

It's impossible to talk to people like that about religion, unless you are deliberately trolling your friends in real life.

 

ultimately the religions are all nearly identical. Tell them that the gnostic texts are only nowadays regarded as heresy because of Irenaeus and the establishment of the biblical canon. They are living a lie as christians and are not true christians if they heed only the world of the canonical text, while the true wisdom lies within nothing but the idea of christ. Tell them that if they want to listen to only some of the words of christ but not all of them than they are not true christians and should call themselves only by the name of their corrupted denomination or sect and not blaspheme the name of Jesus.
In the formational times of Christianity, Jesus was a hot idea and, like any idea, he spread like wildfire. People were writing about Jesus all over the place. The people who decided only certain texts, only a miniscule percentage of the gospel of the Lord should count were obviously the same people who bastardized the religion and turned the literal expression of God in man -- a most beautiful of all ideas, symbols or people -- into nothing but another disgusting, filthy system of heirarchies -- Paul the apostle and then his long line down and eventually the Medicis, controlling all the power.
You know Paul the "apostle" may never have actually met Jesus. The man who wrote the vast majority of the canonical bible only met Jesus in person once, on the road to Damascus, and even then possibly only as a representation and not in the physical flesh. Hell it would be better to read the Gospel of Judas than anything written by Paul the "apostle."

 

csunchild, I am thinking that you need to draw the line. If he cannot show you respect, in your home even, then he is not welcome. The psychological damage attitudes like his promotes....it's all totally uncalled for. He's in your home. YOUR HOME. Tell him to hit the road and don't come back until he can show you respect that you deserve.

My thoughts about your BF aren't as pretty. You have yourself and your kid. If he cannot show loyalty to you, then you may be in a bad spot.

In my opinion your BF should dump that friend. You or him. You have a child by your BF. I doubt your BF can raise your child by himself. You would have a very rough time as well, I know. But you also have to be concerned about your mental health and that of your child. Children are ultra sensitive to this kind of abuse. The younger the are the more sensitive they are.

 

I think it's less so a you or him scenario than a both or none scenario.

 

This friendship involves a person that has a strong personality. It's not so fun to have him around, or have him in your house. There isn't a reason to shun him from the life of your bf, but you certainly can avoid him yourself.

Also though, the majority of friendships are for a season. Who we pick to hang with early in our life, varies from who we pick later. Hell, he might even find that you two are boring now that you'll be parents. Life changes cause friendship changes.

If you point out these realities to your bf, I see it naturally fading, and you two shifting to different type people.

 

I have very simple advice. Kill him with kindness and put him in his place if he disrespect you. Don't allow him to make you feel bad about your opinions. Politely stand up for what you believe in and if he still wants to argue jokingly tell him he can't convince you and then let the matter drop. Keep things as light hearted as possible too and don't take your differences of opinion too seriously.

In all honesty you probably won't see him much at first when you have the baby. Even simple things like having a friend over for dinner seem really overwhelming with a new baby.

 

To be honest I'd have nobody over the house for at least a year once the baby is born.

To limit pathogen exposure and all for the baby.

Have your boyfriend hang with his friend outside in public venues. (Restaurants, movies, arcades)

Stuff like that while you stay home or something.

 

He might be jealous because he's not a big part of your bf's world anymore, and you and the baby are.

Just a thought.

Congrats by the way, wishing nothing but good luck for you both!

 

This isn't going to work if he has a form of autism. If he is not self-aware of himself and how he comes across, then he won't even understand the (or probably doesn't now) concept of "people's places" or what is or isn't disrespectful.

Because what is understood to be respectful or disrespectful is an unwritten rule that isn't clear cut. People with autism have trouble understanding idealistic concepts like that.

Ex: Randomly hugging a someone is not the same as saying a simple "Hi" or hello, even though both actions are understood to fall within the realm of being polite/kind/loving.


Oh yeah i second that congratulations!

 

Congratulations for your baby

When I was married to my ex husband he had several friends that I did not like. His friends were disrespectful as well. Plus he was Christian and I am agnostic. I just refused to discuss religion with his church going buddies. I also avoided the ones that I did not like. I had friends my ex did not like but we accepted the fact we can't expect the other half to always like our friends. If I were you I would just avoid the guy. It sounds like a long time friendship between the two. It does not hurt couples to have separate friends.

 

This is true.

But the guy still sounds like an insufferable douche.

 

if your bf nows thats how u feel then he needs to confront his best friend and tell him to fuck off a bit. your bf has some fault to how bad your feeling.

 

Wow, so many female replies on how to handle the bromance.

Something along the lines of get rid of all his friends, increase the talking and you'll both end up happier than even the people that make happy gas could possibly imagine.

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