That's it! He's crazy!

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by missfontella, Apr 5, 2007.

  1. missfontella

    missfontella Mama of Da Assassins

    I'm gonna write this fast because I don't know how long he'll be gone:

    11 years ago: We dated for 6 months, got pregnant, baby didn't make, and we went our separate ways.

    We saw each other occasionally, at mutual friends house or at work, throughout the years. He was my "one that got away".

    About 2 years ago: We find each other again, both single, and get back together. Then his life fell apart. So I held him up. He moved in with me. 9 months later, his car dies and now he's driving mine. ALL OF THIS is fine. We love each other and we are supposed to help each other. He has only paid one 80 dollar bill. This is all stuff you can take from a person that is loving and respectful toward you. he is not.

    I used to think that he just told it like it is. Now I see that he is selfish and mean. He has good intentions and he would give you the shirt off his back.

    Ok, I digress. He does stuff like teach my 3 how to potty and then 2 days later he threatens to kick our baby out of my stomach (when I was pregnant). Last week, he didn't hit me but he tried to choke me (I say tried cause I'm no punk bitch) and we fought. This was all after he threaten to kill me and the baby before he just "let's me walk away". The police came but I didn't press charges because he looked worse than me. He didn't beat me up. We were hardcore fighting in here. If I'm not happy, we fight. If I don't talk to him, we fight.

    Anyway, I got him an interview with a great paying job. He just started. He drives MY car everyday. Eats MY food. Sleeps in MY bed. And I'm not allowed to be me. I can even talk to him anymore. I used to sidestep the minefields in our conversation. Talking to him is hard work. After last week, I no longer want to. I just want him out of my house. He tells me that I don't have to be with him if I'm not happy, claims he's leaving, that I'm the only girlfriend that has ever not been happy with him, and takes my car to "make arrangements". But if I agree, or tell him calmly ("maybe you should stay here until you can get a place, You'll be helping me and I'll be helping you until we can go our separate ways" I have to say that, I can't say that I'm helping him. causes a fight) then he goes crazy. Threats and throwing stuff. Last time, the choking. He says that I "set him up". That this whole relationship was a plan to get him here, make him comfortable, leave him with no place to go, and take him up on child support. He's nuts. Not to mention that I'm cheating, according to him, every time I leave the house and take too long. And I only leave the house about 3 times a week. How can I? He's always got my car

    I'm no innocent but I'm reasonable and I don't deserve this. And I have done nothing but love him and break my neck to help him rebuild his life. I admit that I have been putting up with it for longer than I should for two reasons. #1 I thought that he was that way because he was going through so much stuff at first but as things got better...he was just as angry as ever. Ok, maybe he is less angry at life, but he still hates me.

    My #2 reason is in my sig. He didn't start threatening me until I was about 3 or 4 months pregnant. But even then I just thought they were angry threats plus I didn't want leave my kid (another kid) without a father in the home until I gave it the old college try. Plus, I've been alone a long time. He told me that I was the reason my relationships don't work. (This was before he got crazy)
    So this time, I wanted to be a good girlfriend. Maybe it was my feminist views or impossible standards that ended my other relationships.....but not this.

    I'm a good person. I think so. Everybody I know thinks so.

    So why doesn't the person that claims to love me think so?
     
  2. missfontella

    missfontella Mama of Da Assassins

    I guess part of me is kinda scared of what he is gonna do. I'm too over it to pretend its OK. My hope for us is gone and so is my love for him

    Its a crap-shoot how he'll react
     
  3. Peanuts

    Peanuts Nutz

    It sounds to me he doesn't put forth what it takes to be in a relationship. He doesn't sound like he wants to work with you on several issues. How long is one supposed to put up with that.

    If you can't communicate with each other then maybe a break is what you need. If he's going to hurt you when you tell him to get out I'd have some there you know to support you and back you up. He has some serious mental issues that need to be addressed.

    Relationships are about comprimise. If two people want to make it work they'll find a way to make that happen. If they are in it for the long hall they'll start to see that it's not all about "me". Children bring a completely different twist to the scene.

    What do your children say to you about him? Do they fear him?
     
  4. mariecstasy

    mariecstasy Enchanted

    And the whole paranoia about you cheating seems to be a big thing to look at too. From my understanding and observation that leads me to think he has something or someone he is hiding.

    What the kids have to say is a big indicator me thinks....So I am interested in the questions peanuts asked as well.

    (((((missfontella)))))
    May you have the guidance and strength to do what needs to be done.
    And I'm glad you aren't no punk ass bitch....stand your own:D I knew you had it in ya.
     
  5. Peanuts

    Peanuts Nutz

    I agree with Marie. Is it possible he is hiding something/someone? Did you suspect anything like that?
     
  6. missfontella

    missfontella Mama of Da Assassins

    I agree. I have gone past compromise to stiffling myself just to avoid an arguement. He came back after I posted. He asked me to take him to work in the morning. I said ok and didn't say anything else. He started slowly "I can't believe this shit. I hate you" So without me saying a word, he tells me to take him to his mothers. I did and he cussed me out the whole way "dirty bitch, I'm gonna get my baby away from you" "I better not lose this job tommorrow. if I lose this job, I'm gonna make your life hell, wait and see" And when I didn't respond, he threatened to crash the car. When i still didn't say anything, he grabbed the wheel and yanked (with 2 of my kids in the car). "You don't give a fuck about me, I don't give a fuck about ya'll I'll kill us all. I don't give a fuck" When I dropped him off, he kicked my door. He wouldn't give me my house key back so I've got the chair propped up against the door.

    I can't believe that I have been this stupid, this long. Hope it doesn't get me killed.


    And.....the kids hate him.
     
  7. missfontella

    missfontella Mama of Da Assassins

    That was where the choking incident started. He had stayed out all night. Left at 1am and came back at 6am. I was too scared to say something. So I did have an attitude

    He's just crazy. When I'm away and I think that maybe he's not as crazy as I'm making him out to be....then he reminds me. Like tonight

    I'm just tired and now scared. I got him his job and now here I am.....no job, been taking care of him for 2 years, and now I have nothing. Real smart

    I'm officially gay
     
  8. Allonym

    Allonym cheesecake slut

    re the kids hating him.... sorry but, kids often seem to be able to intuit whos trustworthy and who should be otld to fuck off, at least next time youll be able to see what signs to watch otu for and kick em tot he curb before it gets this bad again, right?
     
  9. missfontella

    missfontella Mama of Da Assassins

    Oh, I'm done. I'm giving up sex. It just causes kids. Seriously, i'll never have this problem again cause I have seen enuff to know that me and relationships don't work. never will
     
  10. Peanuts

    Peanuts Nutz

    I couldn't live with someone talking to me like that or treating me that way. Then to have my children witness it....They'd grow up thinking it was okay to treat someone like that because the other will always be there to take them back and forgive. A person can only deal with so much mental abuse. It's just as horrible as physical abuse. The two combined is a death sentence.

    You worked so hard to graduate from school. All that money and time you put forth to make it happen for you. You are a strong woman. A beautiful woman.

    If a person loves you they don't tell you they hate you or raise a hand to you. Staying out all night and treating you the way he does...he needs his ass lit on fire and a 2x4 smacked across his head. (this information is NOT permission to do so)
     
  11. Peanuts

    Peanuts Nutz

    okay...I had to laugh.

    I'm willing to bet once you get him out and you get back to what you went to school to do...Love will find you.
     
  12. missfontella

    missfontella Mama of Da Assassins

    I'm still posting because I'm hoping that someone has been thru this or is licensed to tell which disorder he has:

    Today: He knocks on the door about 10am. I was scared becuase I know this means that he didn't make it to work. he was calm tho. He said that he can't help how mad he gets so he just tries not to get mad. that he doesn't mean what he says but he is so angry that he wants to hurt me somehow and he can't choke the shit out of me like he wants to at the moment. He claims that he's too old for this and the kidsdon't need to see that (so stop it!) He blames me for him not going to work cause he didn't have a way to wake up. I usually wake him up. Hell, I do most of everything. Anyway, I feel bad. He needs help

    He's like a abandond, abused, rabid dog. I found him, fed him, and gave him some shots. I've been coaxing this dog, taking care of him, trying to show him that life is not all people trying to hurt you. And my dog calmed down, he needed les coaxing , began to trust me. Meanwhile, my patience is wearing thin. I'm beginning to realize that this dog will never be a house pet. My children will never be COMPLETELY safe around him even as he is starting to become their protector. And now that I am trying to take him to the pound, he is confused. "I thought you loved me" he's thinking.

    And I feel guilty. (sidenote: he just called and told me that he is gonna bring me some money cause he made some on his second job....see what I mean. He's trying the best way he knows to love me) I feel guilty because I have been telling him I love him and will be there for him. And he has made sooo much progress since the beginning. He's gotten about 75% better in the last 2 years. Its hard to blame him cause I know he's trying his hardest and I.....gues i love him. Cause after all of this, my heart is broken. I don't want him to leave. I just want him to stop.

    Do I give it more time? 6 months? Will he improve more or try to kill me like he threatens? I'm so confused. I have 5 kids to worry about but the hitch is that he is the father of one and what hurts his life, hurts my son. I almost feel like I have an obligation to control him or at least get him on his feet financially because I'm the one that made him jason's father.

    I know you can't see how I love him. But i've only told you the problems. That's what is going on now but he has good, does good. His core as a person is better than any of my other exs. I really believe he has a mental illness but he's young, black, thugged out......I'll never be able to convince him to get help. I feel helpless
     
  13. mynameiskc

    mynameiskc way to go noogs!

    oh, hun, i'm so sorry. this is no good at all. i grew up with my mother trying to be the good wife "for the kids" and for love. i have to ask, do you want your children to have this sort of relationship? what would you say if any of your kids were in the same situation? because if you keep up with this guy, this is exactly the same sort of situation each and every one of your kids is likely to recreate again and again. i got help, i got a major attitude adjustment. even still, my relationship isn't totally perfect, but i have a man willing to sit and have a rational discussion with me. he's never once lifted a hand to me, not that i couldn't take care of myself, it's just NOT DONE. we both come from terribly abusive homes and we want to break the cycle so our GIRLS don't live the way our mothers did. do it for your kids. they're way more important than a man who doesn't know how to treat you like the queen you are. when your man treats you like a queen, you WILL WANT to treat him like a king. (((((hugs))))) i know it's hard, but you're worth a better love than this, and so is your family.
     
  14. Peanuts

    Peanuts Nutz

    If he sees that he has a problem with his anger but won't take the means to correct it you are only enabling him to keep treating you this way.

    Love comes in all forms. You can love him and tell him to get out or get help at the same time. Give him an alternative. OR put up with it.

    It's just as much mental abuse for your children as it is for you witnessing him treating their Mother like shit. You've been your children's rock since the beginning. Show them that their safety means more to you than anything. The respect they'll have for you will carry with them till it's time for them to be in a relationship. They'll remember Mom did what she did because she loved us and wanted us protected. No one has the right to talk or treat someone like shit all the time.

    If he goes to counseling and makes an effort to get help he will be showing his son and your children being angry and violent is unexceptable. It's more of a knoble thing for him to make the efforts to correct his behavior.
     
  15. dusk

    dusk Member

    Should you give him more time, hmmm--lets run this down.
    He has no problem beating on women.
    He has no problem beating on a pregnant women.
    He has no problem putting you under massive amounts of stress while you are pregnant.
    He has no problem making threats to kick your unborn baby out of your stomach.
    He has no problem putting your life at risk while driving.
    Should you give him more time, you have got to be joking.
    To say this guy is a poor excuse for a man, would be an under statemant.
     
  16. Frieden

    Frieden Senior Member

    In my opinion, you are being selfish for staying in this relationship. You have kids you need to start thinking about. What if he does something to you that would hinder you being able to raise your children? Or even worse, what if he does something to the kids?

    There is help out their if you find yourself in danger or your kids, now it's time to utilize those resources. You can wait....but who knows what tomorrow will bring. Are you willing to risk it knowing such awful consequences could arise?


    I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but from the sounds of it you need to seperate you and your kids from this man...not in a couple months, not in a couple weeks or even days. He isn't going to just snap out of it. He needs help.
     
  17. MikeE

    MikeE Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    I'm going to be blunt. You are on the way to being a corpse. Tell him to stay away, call the cops, get a restraining order, move to a diffenent continant, what ever works. The kids will have no mother, if he doesn't kill them too.
     
  18. I have to ask. Is that your boob?

    lol that cat is adorable. I almost want to show my boyfriend, except for the giant boob...

    that is funny though
     
  19. missfontella

    missfontella Mama of Da Assassins

    I appreciate all the posts, even the ones I feel are a bit harsh toward me. That's why I posted. But let me clear up some things: he never hit me at all. Even when we were fighting the ONE time, he put his hand on my neck and applied pressure, he rethought it about a half a second later which was too late because as soon as I felt pressure, I thought "Oh you wanna fight up in this bitch?" Please remember, I am about 15% hoodrat. So by the time he realized that he had made the wrong move, I had already jumped on him. He did try to restrain me after and we tussled. Now maybe I gave the wrong impresion about the physical part of it in my original post. And of course, putting his hands on me at all is not acceptable (which is why he's not here now) but if we are gonna hang him out to dry, I just want it to be for stuff he actually did.

    Like I said, all comments are appreciated. But you don't know 'til you walk it. I have about 10 years of good from this man. That's a long time to know somebody and love them and NOT be going thru this. So this is new, hence confusing. Ten years is a long time to wait to become abusive. I'm not waiting around to gamble with our lives...but I can't help my feelings. I'm a do-what-I gotta-do type of chick so he's out of my house. But I love him and that's life.
     
  20. Peanuts

    Peanuts Nutz

    He's out because you do love him and you want him to get help. That is a good thing. The hard thing is the emotions you feel when he's not around. You probably feeling like your dying when he's there and when he's not.

    You both always seem to find a way back into each other's lives. I'm a firm believer that people CAN change. If they want it bad enough they will do whatever it takes. It doesn't happen over night though. Think of all the years it took us to get to the way we are now. It'll be a challenge but....WORTH IT!!!

    In the meantime you did a knoble thing getting him out to protect you and your children. I feel for you and the emotions you must be going through right now.

    I admire the fact that no matter how bad this situation is you put it out there for advice even if some of it is hard to hear or unwanted.
     

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