That nowhere place

Empty, depleted, drained, and hallow.
The words that seem to define me as of late, I think back to the way things used to be for me... When I had no cares... no worries... and nothing meant anything... I had nothing and no one, but I'd never been more content... CONTENT... not jovial or depressed... just content...

But I'm no longer simply content... I find myself constantly wanting wanting WANTING.... more more MORE... wanting more praise, wanting more money, more thrills, more drugs, more sex, more love, more of this more of that... and this wanting is so draining... so painful....

And it's true... all of these thoughts of possession and attainance of outer things are barriers to us... henderances...

at one point I remember fearing nothing... but now I realize how terrified I am of losing control... losing my freedom... I feel like a beaten mutt with his tail between his legs... I've learned my lessons well... and I've had my spirit beaten out of me...

I'm reminded of that quote from the fight club "Only when you give up everything are you free to do anything."

So much wisdom in those words...

I remember times when I could reach that... concept of nothingness when meditating... it was such a beautiful feeling...

No world, no pain, no worries, no nothing.... just content tranquility...


But I lost that somewhere along the line... and I'm miserable without it...

I've gluttoned myself in every frequency of experience from pain to pleasure...

and now I've taken in too much... and it's making me sick....

I'm over emotional, I'm just overzealous in everything...

I've experienced so much that I just want to end it...

end the pain, the pleasure, the happiness, the sadness... just end it... go back to neutral...

nothing makes sense anymore because I'm so suffocated with the noise of existence... it's like trying to manually tune in a radio station but getting nothing but the static of a thousand voices...

There's just so much pressure from every angle...

I need to find that place again... nowhere... silence... calm... I need to give up trying to control everything... trying to achieve what everyone tells me I need.... and focus on finding peace inside myself again...

 

maybe it's time to hit the road.
er..not with your fists i mean - travel off into that nowhere place looking for some answers
although somebody accused me of just running away last time i did that - someone always has to piss on ones bonfire

 

well - i don't wanna be too philisophical or anything - but finding out what you need is probably the hardest part - no wait - trying to figure out what somebody else needs is the hardest part - what you need yourself should be easier....but i dont know.right i'm stuck.
ok - sometimes u have to give up figuring out what other people need and think about yourself.er... unless kids are involved.then it's compromise.If kids aren't involved then..
er... have a beer while you think about it.no-wait - do a long distance run for charity while you think about it.well - maybe?

 

You're a human then

 

Go travelling.

India and Nepal will probably suit your situation. They are the types of countries where you can really see the law of karma working and imperamnmence in action! ..But remember you ultimately have to look within.

 

whenever i try to look within, everything is dark

 

Why on earth not?

All you need is a job so you can save some money.

After that all you need is a little bit of self-confidence to step onto the plane.

The knowhow? When you step off the plane in Delhi or Kathmandu everything you thought you knew will go out of the window anyway!

 

Then open your eyes!

 

how can you open your eyes and look within?

 

thanks, he didn't say that so it wasn't clear to me... i never understood what it meant to look within and that it was a metaphor cuz everytime i tried with my eyes to look around within, it was all dark... especially if you try to see your heart within cuz there is lots of flesh and bone between your eyes and heart within so if you were able to see your heart, you would either have to be hollow inside or have x-ray vision

 

lol^

 

I think you're being a little too harsh. You could have answered in so many other ways. Instead...

Your wanting more and more is normal. Now you'll have to figure out what to do about it. Since you are so bored with life, may I suggest that you start to meditate while going to sleep, while you are sleeping and as you start to awaken? You might start to see what is coming up for you. Being prepared should help you to simply accept what is happening without getting identified with it.

 

yah, slow down you move to fast
gotta make the morning last
feeling groovy

 

insanejester- I like the way you think... at least the words you said in this last post.


I know where you are coming from in your original post...
I feel like i've been lost for a long time. The only true happiness I have in life is with my partner. I'm not that happy in my job or where I live. The job I can change, the place I live can't change just yet.

Just focus on the ultimate goal and what you want you shall achieve.

 

"I can tell you're no buddhist...
but yeah... I do meditate regularly... and I'm always prepared..."

And labelling others this or that makes you one does it?

 

What is your idea of life?, of living? If it is not filled with awareness, what good is it? You're not aware that it is passing, you're not aware of time passing.

Your admitting that life is too short to slow down just says that you are too identified with it, that you have desires that need to be fulfilled, etc. The unfulfillment of your desires are causing you to become restless. It's all in your mind. You have to start taking responsibility for every thought that crosses your mind and each and every word that has issued out of your mouth, especially those said in hate. They at least prove that you were asleep, that you were unconscious. And once you recognise this you'll start to feel guilty for doing and saying them. It's a waste of time but it is another trick of the mind, to always remain engaged.

Saying that you meditate is saying nothing to me - it's just mere linguistics, an appeal to words which probably have different meaning to each of us. Tell me that you meditate all the time, each and every second, always examing your thoughts, even while dreaming, and you'll have an idea of what I consider meditation. For all I know your definition of meditation is concentration or contemplation.

Anyway, whatever you are going through, it will pass. Just be patient. It is just a cycle, a wave in the ocean which must eventually reach a beach.

Upon what basis do you make your declaration of what death is? How can you contemplate death when you aren't even enjoying life? To do so is illusion, although it is normal. That doesn't make it a Buddhist precept, though; just the opposite.

If you actually did have existential experience of, and with, death your tone would probably be a lot different. Then you'd be telling me of the abject fear you felt as you saw your mind dying while in meditation, you'd tell me of the heart pangs you actually felt, of the sensation of cold as it creeped up your body, of seeing time stopping and really getting scared of dying. You'd speak to me of seeing the crevice, of seeing the dark night of the soul, of actually being able to smell the rot as you felt you were dying, seeing your mind floating away like a bubble ready to burst into oblivion. Talk to me of those fears...

Otherwise, what makes you think that you'll be resting when you're dead? That is a mental image, a vague idea, a mere belief which consoles your mind. When you'll actually be presented with the reality of death, your mind will change, it will be forced to. What are you going to do then?

Me, I've been VERY close to death more than a handful of times. I am not so flippant about death. I dare say that if you really knew what death was like you'd slow waaaay down, a lot of things which now bother and irritate you would become meaningless.

 

fair play.

 

don't you feel lost and alone in the universe not having a label ascribed to yourself? i feel we have to say we are things so i say i am a hippy buddhist

 

I don't really like labels too much, but I agree that they do serve an important function, namely, if I'm talking to someone, and say, "I'm Buddhist" that gives them a lot of ideas about what I think. That way, from that starting point of "I'm Buddhist" I can elaborate on all the ways that I'm different from the normal.

 

I've waited to respond to your posit, least I react with like vitriol.

You're still being too harsh.

Let's recap for the kiddies...

You remind me of the drunk who loves drinking but hates the hangovers. If you are enjoying excessiveness, then enjoy it and accept the responsibilities which your actions entail. If you are aware of what you are doing and the affects those actions have had on your life, then that awareness is pseudo, it is a rationalisation, it is an excuse.

There's nothing wrong with that – sow all the oats you want. Just don't expect life to get any better any time soon – it is bound to get harder as you get older. I did the same crap when I was much younger. So, I'm sorry if I sound like your parents; I keep forgetting that I am speaking with a kid.

I'm very honest too, although I do realise my own hyprocracy. If you are aware of your faults (“To thine own self be true,”) then how can you continue to do them? It is impossible. Therefore you are rationalising your own faults, or you only recognise the faults in others. That is being inauthentic and a hypocrite. Just as you find fault with others, so do others find fault with you. That is simple enough to understand, isn't it?

I guess you've just limited your career options to being a manger or a car salesman. Otherwise your statement rings of self-justification and rationalisation. At best you're saying that you're too lazy to get bothered. At worse your 'devil may care' attitude is bound to make others shun you and not trust you.

Like I said, if you're enjoying burning the candle at both ends, striving for success and recognition, then don't appeal to others to understand your plight. Accept it. But don't bother others with it. And even more importantly, know that your attitude is affecting others. That isn't fair to them. (I can almost hear you now, “Fuck them. Only I matter.” Such an attitude is bound to meet with failure sooner or later in life. The fact is that others do not have to put up with you or your attitude. And just like you may think of others as little bugs to be squished on your journey upwards towards success, so will others most likely consider you a mere bug to be squashed underfoot on their way to success.

No, obviously not; at least not as it pertains to your situation. If I were to say, “Reality is a motherfucker,” then chances are you'd probably say, “Tell me something I haven't heard, asshole.”

What original thoughts have you had? Have they changed your life?

Just add me to your ignore list. There is no reason for you to suffer fools, or anyone who doesn't agree with your world view.