Michael Grinnell grew up in a typical southern home where hard work, hot summers and homemade biscuits were not uncommon. After his parents’ death from yellow fever, Michael moved in with his bed-ridden grandmother and degrading, alcoholic grandfather in their Alabamian manor. Often suffering more mental abuse than physical, Michael grew up with an abnormal coldness towards society. Michael went on to college and, under the influence of his grandfather, went into accounting. After graduating from college, Michael landed a job at the local bank. While working late one night, Michael walked to the storage room to retrieve some supplies. It was there that he stumbled upon an arrangement of glass bottles in all different shapes and sizes. Taking a step forward he grabbed the bottle closest to his hand and read the label. “Poison,” he murmured, ”Grandfather would surely give me a lashing if he saw me handling this.” Deciding that maybe he could put the liquids to use, Michael gathered them and took them home. The thought of chemicals excited Michael, and he set to work mixing the different kinds. After a couple of batches, Michael wondered the effects of his poison. He decided to test some of the mixture on some rats he found around the house. The thought of testing it on his fellow townspeople passes through Michael’s mind and he did not wave away the thought, but instead ran the pros and cons through his mind. Michael decided to follow through with his testing and went into town. Michael found several people at the general store who were willing to give his mysterious liquid a try. “It makes wrinkles disappear,” he professed to the crowd. Over the next couple of days Michael observed and documented the effects the concoction was having on the volunteers. This mysterious potion carried most of the symptoms of yellow fever, such as headache, vomiting and fever, but also carried a very unusual symptom bleeding of the eyes. Within a week all the partakers of the liquid had passed away. The community blamed the deaths on yellow fever, since many were dieing from it everyday. The local doctor was baffled by the occurrence of the bleeding eyes, but concluded that it could be a new symptom of the illness. The town mourned for their recently lost members, but soon pressed on with their daily lives. All except for one man-Nicholas Spear. Nicholas’ wife had been one of the few who chanced her luck with the enchanting liquid. Nicholas was convinced that his wife did not die of yellow fever, but was in fact killed by Michael Grinnell. No one believed him, but most tried to comfort Nicholas. It was believed that the reason for his accusation was that he was in denial about his wife, Caroline’s, death. Nicholas was tired of being mocked by his fellow townspeople and set off the Michael’s house on Mobile Bay to prove once and for all that his assumptions were not just ludicrous, but in fact the truth. Nicholas found the house and crawled in through an open window. Nicholas went up the stairs and went into the first room to his right. As luck would have it, Nicholas chose the right room for there was Michael sitting in his chair and smoking his pipe. Nicholas went into a psychotic rage, accusing Michael of killing his precious Caroline. Michael just sat back with a blank expression, puffing on his pipe and listened to the accusations. This lack of emotion enraged Nicholas, and causes him to yell out about how he had told the town all about Michael and his involvement with the deaths. The expression on Michael’s face changed. The look that now appeared sent chills through Nicholas’ body. Michael slowly rose from his chair. Grabbing a rag and pouring a liquid on it, Michael slammed it into Nicholas’ face and held it there until he passed out. When Nicolas awoke, he was out in the bay being pushed under the water by a powerful hand. Nicholas tried to yell, but no sound came out. Finding no strength to struggle any longer, Nicholas gave in to the hand pushing him to the bottom. After what seemed like eternity, Michael removed his hand and up floated Nicholas’ pale, limp body. Michael said a silent prayer for Nicholas and pushed his body off into the current. Michael walked back up to the house and returned to his chair. He pulled out his pipe and took a couple of puffs while wondering to himself what his new experiment would be.
I like it as a short story but otherwise I think you are rushing into it a bit. I like it, it is well thought out, but I agree you should put it into paragraphs. Most peoples minds will just see it as a big chunk otherwise. I didn't read all of it for this reason. I think the decriptions are a good for the short story context. Blessings Sebbi
Sorry, but I didnt like this at all. There was no suspense, well, if there was, I sure as heck didnt feel it. The lack of paragraphs REALLY shunts anything this story could have been. You rushed it too much at the beginning, I mean, his whole childhood, education and youthful life were wrapped into about 5 unfruitful lines of prose. Sorry, this wasn't one for me.
It's completely and utterly hollow. The history of the character doesn't do anything and is predictable. The grandfather and other people in the man's life have no presence. In fact, nobody does. There's more but I'll follow you're example, i can't be bothered with writing it down. As for the outline of the story i don't think much of it, but maybe if you expand it you could make something of it, i don't know.
I thought it was interesting towards the end, and overall pretty imaginative. Paragraphs would have been a plus. The rhythm of the narration was repetitive and kind of clumsy- I think like weasel said, it could be expanded. A lot of your background lines at the beginning could be made into longer and richer scenes, to the effect of building suspense. Cheers and good luck, I think you have the ability. Keep writing. MKC
