"every man is either trying to live up to his father's expectations, or make up for his father's mistakes" I use the term in its Freudian sense, that is to say your societal self, the image society has prescribed for you, or the self your father or parents expect you to be. The freudian ego is the mediator-self between superego (societal/paternal expectations) and id (raw essential impulses, sexual energy, innate intelligence). So you might say the ego personality that comprises "you," is wherever the active midpoint is between the id within you and the superego without you (among other things). I think we observe many whose scale leans in favor of superego, and maybe others who are more id oriented. The former is more prevalent, hence society's tendency toward traditions and customs, and the attachment to old habits; the superego is so strong that we build our lives around the expectations of our predecessors, and project it into the future. Our identites can get so integrated with the superego that sometimes it seems like souls have been irretrievably lost to self-defeating, deferential attitudes. I had forgotten the slavery to the superego until the other day when my mom laid heavy guilt vibes on me. I had long since broken the goggles through which they see me, but it seemed like she forced her own superegoic goggles onto my eyes to remind me of how I'm seen by them. It was nothing more than her projecting her own pain onto me, and later she said she felt uplifted after the exchange. Since she said it was cathartic, I felt I could let it go and she just needed me as a conduit to vent these ill vibes. I felt the superego leave me, but while it was there I had regressed to childhood, not knowing really who I was but knowing sure as hell I wasn't my parents. But the superego has cycled back through a few times, the goggles jump back on my face for me to view my life through my parents eyes and it's pretty horrible (my life is actually fine, my 'rents are just insane). The feeling is less acute with each passing visitation and I assume it will fade to the point where it was before the confrontation. If it really helped my mom feel better I'm glad to endure it; I think I've made myself more open to psychic trafficking and my mom exploited it. I post this here because it was highly psychedelic; virtually the same principles of the acid trip only slowed down for real time. I was planning on tripping this weekend and this made me go back and forth on that plan but it's just another one of those pre-trip challenges that you can overcome for gnarly and rewarding results. So I'm up for it assuming my first-timer wife still is.:cheers2:
Damn burnabowl always enjoy readin your writings bro. Hope you get a chance to hang out with lucy this weekend now that all them bad vibes have gone away
