I finally started cleaning my room, and found some things I wrote while he and I were dating. I can't believe how fucking bad it made me feel. When I ponder that relationship, I feel bad because I didn't think I appreciated him enough, but reading these things makes me realize I DID appreciate him. I felt very fucking strongly about him and lost most of my qualms about that by the time my secure grasp on my life fell apart. It's so hard to feel this way about someone for so long, and know that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent yourself from fucking it up. I don't know why I'm still so crazy about him. We've both seen a whole lot the past year and we've both lost a lot, including who we were then. I was so sketchy about this relationship that no one thought I really cared about him, no one thought I was too involved with him, but holy fucking shit, he meant more to me than any romance since or before. I find myself pondering my extreme willingness to succumb to that evil institution known as a "relationship" in the unlikely event that he comes back to me, and I know that it's only going to feed my dissatisfaction with every prospect that comes my way. I need to stop accidentally meeting his wild glance during the long hours I spent sitting just ten feet from him. I need to let go of these feelings, these questions, any hope I may still have left. If love never really goes away like some people claim, I need to MAKE it go away. My GOD I wish free love came more easily in this day and age, and I wish it would help me.
If you find your reward from loving rather than from being loved, there are no negatives to eternal love. As a conduit of love, our mission is to love without limit or condition. If we proceed with the expectation that our love will be mirrored back to us, the dissapointments can overwhelm the successes and lead one to fear love itself. Don't wish for love to go away. Instead, relish the love you can still project, and the fact that to an open heart, the next opportunity to love is never far away. There is not one "soul mate", but many possible soul connections to be explored. Pain from lost love is an essential aspect of the Buddist principal of suffering being the nature of unenlightened life. If we can view our existence from a more distant perspective and truly find our reward from loving rather than from being loved, we have stepped off of the wheel of suffering and have entered nirvana. To love is always free! expectations are what lead us to dispair. Namaste jim
I actually know exactly how you are feeling. Exept I was 14 at the time of my discovery. I met a boy from a local Bulliten Board System. I was 12 at the time and he was 11. We met up at the local rollar rink and became "bf and gf." At that time I had no concept for what love really was or relationships. I ended up breaking up with him. I started talking to him again, he had a new girl but could tell he was poking around to see if anything was there. Long story short some lies got back to him that I supposedly said and it destroyed whatever trust he had in me. After a year of fighting for him and pretty much having my heart completely broken, I saw him. My 14th birthday. I had my first real kiss and it was also the day I knew I was in love with him. Nothing came of the kiss and for a long time we didn't see each other or talk. I moved when I was 17 and started going to his school. I fell for him all over again. Our eyes would connect and I would see this glimmer there. I could never quite figure out what it meant but it drew me in. I feel like I even physically ached for him, for his love. I pinned for him for over 4 years before I realized that it was okay to still love him with all of my heart. I could still hold him close and move on at the same time. I realized that the glimmer I saw was because he did love me in return. He just figured it out before I did. I hope you figure out what it is you need. Good luck.
