Stupid Joke Thread

Mine:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him ....... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. :&


Tell yours.

 

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on him.

 

or, how bout this?

Duck walks into a hardware store, goes to a clerk and says "Got any grapes?" Clerk says no. Next day, duck walks into a hardware store, goes to the clerk and says "Got any grapes?" Clerk says no. Next day, duck walks into a hardware store. Goes up to the clerk and says "Got any grapes?" The clerk says, "If you ask me that one more time, I will nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" Next day, duck walks into a hardware store, goes to the clerk and says
"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any grapes?"

 

OK, how about...

I used to be into necrophilia bestiality and sadism all at the same time, but then I realized I was beating a dead horse... (Possibly from Woody Allen??? It sure sounds like something he'd cook up!)

 

knock knock....
whos there......
boo..........
boo who?...
whyy are you crying its just a joke

 

an elephant and a naked man standing side by side,

the elephant turns to the naked man and says its cute but can u pick up peanuts with it?

 

2 eggs boiling in a pan! 1 female, 1 male she says to him "look i've got a crack!" he says "no point telling me i'm not f**kin hard yet"

 

A guy walks in to a bar & asks for 10 shots of tequilla
The barman lines them up

bang, bang, bang, bang he necks the lot & staggers home

He walks up to the barman the next day, the bar,an say's "10 more tequillas ?"

The Guy says "no thanks, when I got home last night I blew chunks "

The barman say's "No wonder the ammount you drank lastnight it's bound to happen"

The guys says "you don't understand, Chunks is my Dog"

 

Why do Mexicans drive with small steering wheels?

So they can drive with handcuffs on!

 

i found a really bad one about jesus, but im not gonna put it up 'cause i'll go to hell

so sorry to say you get stuck with this one (got it offa google) :

JESUS
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.


The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.


The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.


The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.


As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.


Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.


Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"

 

What do Dale Earnhart and Pink Floyd have in common?

-their last hit was The Wall

 

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

That is such an awesome joke!

Okay. McCallahn stopped into a pub and sat down at the bar. He asked the tender for a pint, and as he took it he asked, " Bartender, McCallahn's me name. Stonemason by trade. Do ye know the school down the street? Built it with me own two hands. Do they call me McCallahn the Schoolbuilder? No!"

McCallahn drinks his beer and asks for another. As he takes it he asks, "Bartender, do ye know the church down the way? Built it with me own two hands! Do they call me McCallahn the Churchbuilder? Hell no!!"

And McCallahn drinks his beer and asks for another, by now feeling it a little. As he takes his pint he asks, "Bartender, have ye crossed the bridge over the river lately? Built it with me own two hands! And do they call me McCallahn the Bridgebuilder? Hell no they don't!! But fuck one wee goat...!"

 

Which is faster - hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

 

My grandpa's favorite joke... and it's majorly stupid!

This man was out in his back yard one day and decided that he wanted to get a brick planter made. So, he went inside and called his friend, the local brick mason. The brick mason asked the man how big of a planter he wanted. The man replied that he wanted it 5 feet long, 2 feet high and 1 foot wide. The mason did some quick calculations, and determined that he had just enough of this discontinued type of brick to build a planter of the wanted dimensions.

The next day, the Mason showed up bright and early. The homeowner came out just as the job was finishing up to watch his friend place the last couple of bricks. When finished, the planter looked perfect. Only problem is that there was one brick left over.
The mason had no use for it, as it was the last brick of a discontinued type, so he couldn't make anything else with it. The homeowner had no use for the brick either.

The two men started fighting, as friends sometimes do. The mason wanted his friend to have the brick, and the homeowner wanted the mason to keep the brick. Eventually things got rather heated, and the two men started yelling.

Finally, the homeowner's wife came out of the house. She stood there looking at the men for a couple minutes before walking over to the men, grabbing the brick and throwing it up in the air with all her might.

And the brick never came down.

 

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the clerk three nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Can't believe this one wasn't posted already....

 

I don't get the brick one, help please!!!!

 

Don't worry heir. I have known the joke for 15 years and still don't get it... but thats why I remember it so well.

Another joke? This one will get get-able, I promise!


The governor of Montana, considering himself deeply artistic and an avid historian, commissioned an artist do a painting for the local museum. The governor wanted the artist to paint a rendition of what went through the mind of General Custer during his infamous Last Stand.

The artist thought for several weeks before even starting to paint. After starting, he painted for several months. Finally, the day of the unveiling came.

As the sheet dropped, silence engulfed the museum. Hundreds of patrons stood looking at the large painting. It was floor to ceiling and close to 15 feet long! The painting itself depicted seveal separate images, which flowed seamlessly into one another.

At the top of the painting, there was a holstein cow, floating on it's side wearing angel wings and a halo shined over it's head. In the back ground, there was a pastoral scene, with a river, and trees, blowing grasslands as far as the eye could see. The foreground was covered with naked Native Americans, who appeared to be ingaged in sexual intercourse.

The govenor, being a politician, and having spent a fair chunk of the tax payers money on the painting was irate! He had asked for a historical painting, depicting Custer in all his glory.... and instead had recieved some surrealist crap!

He stormed over to the artist and demanded an explaination. The artist calmly asked what what the problem was. The artist thought he had fulfilled the govenors requirements.

"What does this painting have to do with Custer?" asked the govenor.

The artisted replied, "Gee... I thought it was a bit too obvious. I painted what I imagined Custer's last thoughts to be."

"And.. WHAT WAS THAT?!" yelled the govenor.

"Holy cow! Look at all the fucking Indians!"


(Love the joke, as I don't think much of Custer.)

 

This guy went to hell and was roaming around checking it out when another guy came up and introduced himself and welcomed him to hell.

"Do you like to drink?" said the host.

"Oh yeah, on earth i was a real drinker...I really like straight whiskey."

"Well you're going to love tuesdays.We all get nasty drunk and then go round up some trouble. the neat thing is, you can't get arrested for drunk driving and you won't get killed in a wreck cause you're already dead. You're going to love tuesdays! How about drugs ,do you like to do drugs?"

"Well,I dabbled with drugs a little when i was in college..."

You're going to love wednesdays, we have anything you want here in hell and the great thing is you can't overdose cause you're already dead! How about gambling,do you like to gamble?"

"Yeah, I love to gamble. Used to go to Vegas 3 times a year until I went broke and had to declare bankruptcy."

"You're going to love thursdays, we all gamble with anything we want and blah,blah,blah. Are you gay? Do you like the gay life?"

"No I'm not into that."

"You're going to hate fridays."