Struggling with my sexuality and marriage

To start this off, I am 25 years old, have been married to my husband for 6 years, and we have a beautiful 2-year-old. I have always been aware of my attraction to women(my first crush and “sexual” experience was with my next door neighbor and best friend when her and I were both 11). My family, mainly my stepdads, always made it very clear to me that they would rather throw me away than see me with a woman. So because of this, I went my through my life dating boys and then men more than women to please my family.


When I was 19, I met my husband. I was coming out of a terrible relationship with a severely unstable and abusive guy and my husband was my “knight in shining armor”, plus my family actually liked him. He was the first man in my life to show me love and treat me like an actual human being. After only 6 months, when he asked me to marry him, I jumped in head first.


We have had our up and downs and been through the works. Throughout it all we have managed to stay afloat. Our entire relationship and my whole life I always pictured myself with a woman, loving and living and growing with a woman by my side. This was a massive hole in me for a while and my husband decided after our daughter turned one that it was best to open our marriage and allow me to be with women. We have had an open marriage for over a year now.


While exploring myself and my sexuality I have gone from feeling I was bisexual my whole life to knowing for a fact that I am gay. I still very much love my husband and I know I always will. But being married to him just doesn’t feel right anymore. I just don’t feel the same type of love I once thought I did and having sex with him is hard and it kills me to say it. I feel terrible about it, we have our daughter and a whole life together. We just signed a 3 year lease last October.


To add to this tearing in my head and heart, this last year I fell in love with the woman of my dreams. She is amazing and incredible and I’ve never felt this strongly for anyone who isn’t my daughter. In the beginning of my relationship with her, she was okay with me being married, now with us talking about getting serious and her wanting a family with me someday, her feelings about it are not the same. She has gotten distant and blown me off and now after 2 months of being nonexistent, she has left me for all those reasons above.


Now it’s not just because of my relationship with my girlfriend coming to and end but I was consistently finding this to be something most women are understandingly not okay with before her as well. I’m struggling with wanting to follow my dreams. I’m torn about what I should do. I feel as if I were to do what makes me happy I would destroy my family, the life I’ve built and my daughter’s world. On top of breaking my husband’s heart, who I do love, he is my best friend. On the other hand, I have a burning passion to embrace myself as a gay woman and live my life the way I feel will make me truly happy. I guess I just want advice or to know someone has felt this and gone through it, and what was your outcome? Do you feel you made the right choice in your similar situation? I’m just so lost, it hurts. Am I just being ridiculous?

 

Hi

For a start you are not being ridiculous, but you are in a serious emotional pickle, whatever route you choose to take your life you are going to end up hurting someone, be it yourself, your husband your daughter and your family.
Unfortunately strangers on a forum cannot decide for you which way to go, only you can do that.

I do hope you can find a happy outcome and you find peace in your life

 

It's ridiculous to make the same thread in multiple places.

 

I agree entirely

 

Of course we can : D