stopped feeling alive

ever since i've stopped my sadhana. i'd been in the throws of depression before yoga, and yoga actually inspired me to abort my self-destructiveness and adopt more healty ways of 'dealing' and this worked for a year and ahalf, but then I began not looking forward to the sessions, but kind of getting them over with. my teacher was telling me about how I could be creating some bad karmas with my attitude, but I just couldn't help feeling helpless and wrong.
I became frustrated and traces of the old self-destructive, comfort seeking traits emerged fully and I decided to discontinue my practices. then I started to become restless, seeking out company regardless of their predispositions toward their own self-destruction. then the quality of my mind began to get very distorted and confused, and I would just sit for almost an hour not doing anything just being aware of my thoughts and imagination. which is when I would feel like I was wasting all my time(which I was) I was also going pretty heavy on the pot at that time.
so after a month I noticed that I couldn't concentrate on anything for longer than... oh less than a minute. pleasant oulook turned to bitter and depressed outlook. since then I've been headed down the spiritual tubes, the sad thing is that all the event around me seemed to want me to turn around and make the resolve to return to my practices, but I found myself lacking determination and fortitude. my old karmas jumped to greet me with ferocity and now I'm miserable but also feel like I'm making the lives of my friends sadder with my company, but if I were to stay alone for a while all I see is myself getting worse and worse. I feel like I avoid going home and am always out with friends now.
I am running from my problems and they are getting stronger anmore destructive. ahh! I still feel stable at times, but those are getting fewer and fewer. I feel this isn't apparent to my friends because when I'm around them, I feel better but now I also feel like such a loser because I hang out with them in order to be stimulated, and when I'm not stimulated I feel like switching scenes and I feel like I'm being a burden and using them to escape my problems which puts them in a bad position because they have to decide how to deal with me and that makes me feel very stupid. I feel silly for posting this, but I feel that if I don't express this that somehow I will get worse and worse I feel as though I gave up on myself and that nothing anyone says is going to change that, only amplify my awareness of it... driving me mad. i feel very naked now and i guess what i'm looking for is the traits that have receded. Nothing turns me on anymore. I feel as if all the enthusiasm toward life is gone, the love seems to be gone, too all replaced with sophisticated games. i feel plastic at times and i don't think i can deal with that. enough complaining though...
what I need to do is start working on myself. otherwise I just depress myself. I guess suggestions for self-discipline would be cool, any replies would be welcome. but really what i need, no person can give: absolute love. you know... I think that's what all this is about, my increasing distance from ananda(which is all I really look for in my activities! I am looking for it in every taste, in every excursion I seek that feeling that comes out of my chest or head in waves of golden love and contentment! God I miss it.

edit:- sorry about the length of this post, I lost track...

 

Ahh, after I graduated from Maharishi University where I had at one point been celibate and meditated for up to six hours a day, I went to law school for a year and then dropped out, became a waiter and started using drugs. I eventually became a crack addict and went through a total personal hell before I surfaced.


I'll tell you what helped me alot was rudraksha beads. I spent about five thousand bucks on them and wore them all the time. I surrounded myself with material reminders of the spiritual life I was missing, and just having those things always around and unavoidable started my minds climb back to my spiritual roots, and I'm much much stronger and better now.

I really really love my rudraksha. I'll post some pictures. If you like them then check out the only site that I would ever recommend for buying them at www.rudraksha-ratna.com Sometimes the lady in charge will front some beads and let you pay her later if your strapped for cash. She's really cool. If you're really into yoga then you know rudraksha are amazing. If not then it's time to find out.

Sometimes the enviroment is very stressed and we take on some of it, and it dulls our meditations. But the closest enviroment is what we wear. By wearing certain things we can make a barrier between the negative energy and facilitate more meditational states. I would recommend a siddh mala. Make sure you get a fourteen faced bead on it too, and a one faced. Ideally one - fourteen, with a gauri shankar guru bead.

There's no other natural bead on earth with it's own scriptures. Rudraksha have their very own Upanishad - the Rudraskajabalopanishad.

These are all my malas. In order I call then the Infinite Light mala of 28 one faced beads, then the meditation mala of eleven faced beads, and the yoga kantha of 36 gauri beads. They are sufgficient to blast away all negativity, always.

 

thank you for the reply, I actually have a wrist mala of rudraksha beads. I just needed to get that out so I could get someone else's perspective. I do apprieciate the advise and I will try that.

 

first of all....calm down! Your state of mind reflected in that post is extremely agitated. Take a deep breath, sit down and analyse the source of your distress. Apparently you find that having abandoned sadhana you are drifting like a ship without a rudder. Resume your sadhana! Simple.

Maintain satsanga, be around other sadhaks who are in good spiritual health. Go to teachers, read books, put up posters of Rama, Krishna, Buddha, Shiva...Constantly chan their name in your mind, read the bhagavatam and ramayanam, develop love for the lord. Condition your mind in such a way and it will automatically be drawn back to the sadhana you pursued.

And most important, stop pressurising yourself.

 

I just wanted to post that I am feeling a thousand times better now!
I had to admit I was tearing myself apart with over-thinking every single event! I thought it out and I only really wanted to resume sadhana, but I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do it because I thought I had damaged myself with acid and other things that made me feel insignificant.
Just had to work that stuff out. Much Love and Appreciation for your helpful input!

I lost track of what it's all about anyway.
Not about me at all,
It's about God.

Thanks!

 

does anyone think this thread should be deleted? It doesn't really serve a purpose...

 

Blessed Child of the Divine,
Hari Om!

Congratulations on your spiritual rejuvenation!

This thread should stay as long as it will, there may be others facing the same troubles as you did, it may serve to aid and inspire them to recover.

God bless you!


Bhaskar

 

-Hi!

I just started Yoga. I got the exercises off of the Internet. It makes me feel good, but this week, it's been hard.

Going to the hospital, and not sleeping for nights at a time have really messed me up. Then, coming onto the computer when no one else is around doesn't help either.

I ran out of my Thyroid vitamins, but once I get them, I should be ok. Job searching also takes a lot out of me.

I wish we had air conditioning in the house, but I heard that certain types of Yoga want the room to be really warm. If that's so, that should work.

As far as negativity, that's always around, but I should approach these exercises with more energy. I just can't right now. I just got home and hour ago, and really don't feel like doing them. Maybe because now it's almost 1:30 a.m.

Today, it's been hard. I have been so tired from this week. I think I will just forget about everything, go to bed, and get up early and try to have something to look forward to. It's not being alone that bothers me, but all the other things. I know that yoga is supposed to help on that.

I WISH I WAS A MORNING PERSON!

 

god bless you.
Om shanti shanti shantihi

 

Just be true to yourself, your feelings included.

If you feel numb, then welcome and intensify that feeling. Feeling hopeless, then do the same with that. Do so as if you are willing to let it consume you (don't encourage it). Just be open.

Blessings

Sebbi

 

- Thanks everyone!

I don't know about that "embracing that feeling" though. It's because the Vitamin Shoppe doesn't have the Pure Thyroid in stock right now that is the problem.

That and I realized being on the computer at night isn't exactly the best thing to do. I got to bed at 2:00 a.m. which is early for me! I felt better for it.

I can do Yoga tonight . I have today, and the weekend for myself. I hope my fiance understands.

Thanks for the Blessings everyone! That helps a lot too!

Dia Beannaucht Leat
(God Bless You)

 

I'd like to pay hommage to everyone for being such a positive force here, that can be quite hard to do... but I really would like to pay hommage to the Divinest Grace for the change that occured under my surface(as well as in others). Fellow heart, DJ KALI, I hope your situation turns out well, best of luck... *pranams to the Divine in each of you*
with Love,
me.