Started as a joke and ended as a drama (long)

Have you ever started something as a joke, lost control of things and got drawn into your own joke?

Let me tell you my story...

A couple of months ago I got into forum very similar to this one (I won't mention the name here)... I am not a monster or even terribly ugly (at least I think I am not ugly...kind of overweight now but I wasn't always like that) but I have never been the kind of guy women look at when walking in the street... since I am 37 and I was having some self validation problem I thought it could be therapeutic and fun for me to create an invented character in that forum ... a rock star kind of character, the guy who has been there and done that... I really didn't expect it to work, but it did, people wanted to know more about that character and women gave me the attention I was probably seeking with that stunt, yes it was just in an online forum and everything was fake but for the time I was behind the computer (every day more and more) it was real for me.

So everything was fun, people liked me and listened to me... many of the things I wrote there were just lies but many of the things I wrote were real... they were the real me... and they liked that part too... I got totally addicted to that site and I expended the majority of the day posting over there (when possible with my work schedule).

One of the women that contacted me by PM really called my attention, she is different... I have never met anyone like her in my life and I am sure I will never meet anyone like her anymore, not only because she is beautiful but because she has the soul of an angel (kind, loving, caring, extrovert, daring... I could add a very long list of adjectives here)... At the beginning everything was just flirting and we would take sometimes even weeks between the times we contacted each other but little by little we got closer and as you probably are imagining the situation got out of hand... there I was in love with a woman who was in love with the character I had created... I wanted to tell her, I repeated to myself so many times how my next step had to be coming clean to her and set her free from that trap I had created for her without want it... I really wanted to stop the whole thing because I knew this story had one only possible end and it was not beautiful... I couldn't do it... I was selfish and the thought of losing her was more than what I could handle... I was weak.

We called, PMed and email each other for a bit more than a month and we really got very deep into our love story, yes even when you may not believe it I loved even when I knew that the end was there, I closed my eyes to the unavoidable crash ... I jut let my heart love her and she loved me back ...

I finally got the courage to come clean with her yesterday... She of course doesn't want to know anything from me anymore... (who would in this case? and who would blame her? ) ... and I have lost the most valuable thing I ever had (or better said..I never had..). The pain for her lost is undefinable... the vacuum that losing her has left in my life almost does not allow me to breath... I have not tears anymore... I have cried myself dry.

The worse pain of all is knowing that I hurt her beyond repairing, she didn't deserve this... how can we hurt those who we love the most?

Now I find myself thinking how this innocent joke ended up screwing up the life of an innocent and amazing woman and destroying my life knowing that the person that I love not only probably hates me but feel disgusted about me....

"I wanted to tell her everything at the beginning, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently, maybe I'd be there with her now instead of here. Maybe that would have made the impossible possible. Maybe, but I couldn't do it, I had buried too much too deeply inside me. And here I am, instead of there."

I am not looking for sympathy here... I know that what I have done is really bad... I just needed to share this with someone and I can't share it with anyone in my life...It is just so different of who I am...

Thank you for reading and commenting...I needed to get this out of my system.

 

Sounds like a MTV Catfish situation to me! Making false personalities on the internet is never a good thing to do.....

 

Nothing wrong with an online persona.
*adjusts stick and berries*
But never use it as a lure. That's creepy as fuck.

 

lying is not a joke and its not innocent but we all do it at least once nothing good omes frome a lie esp. In a relationship and they are not jokes