Suddenly bursting like nebular convulsions, outward energy synapses throw me head first into a dream. Everything symbolic in it's own way, glimpsing images of the higher unknown. Flowing like ink through pen, my spirit glides through the black skin of outer space, touching the stars for inspiration, enabling me to release words in a way I never thought possible. Finally reaching a destination of utter contentment in the here and now, my voice spills into the open air, the open end. Nothing is heard, except the sonic boom of imagination, which ripples through the vibrations and sends transmissions straight into the minds of the new young generation. Take it somewhere new, and change it. Take it somewhere new, and fuck with it. Take it somewhere new, and just exist with it, in forever...
This is good stuff sir. Cosmic connection, introspection. I'm new in these parts and I'm not up and up on the etiqiuette for construction critism so let me just say my suggestions are my opinions and I don't mean to offend. To me it seems your going for a stream of conciousness vibe, which I am all for personally, but it seems with so many multisylabic words and the seeds of rhythm inside most of the lines between commas and periods that your purpose might be better served if you broke it up spatially on the page some more. It gives you more control over how the reader reads and allows you more chances for emphasis. Other wise I say strip the thing of all punctuation and try to say it in one breath. Like I said, that's just me. In truth it's pretty awesome the way it is.
I love it James. This one I can really say something about, that is helpful I guess.... I really enjoyed the metaphors and similies....and all of the great describing words you used...it really gave me a neat, fun, abstract mental picture. It was something I could feel, with speed... if that makes any sense...like as I read it, I felt as if I was travelling through the "steps" of your poem. I like the end, it's like a statement of conclusion after a "journey". It's really neat. Very different from a lot of your older works... but I am a total fan, as usual And I love the way, you do not COMPLETELY mask the point of your poetry, but you don't outright say your feelings either..... it has a good balance of that. People can understand it, but yet, it's not so bland and boring where its just like "I feel this or I feel that" you know what I mean? Good stuff Love it, baby, keep it up!
Thanks sweetheart, and thanks DoyalConQuesco. I love the constructive criticism. And, it is fairly different from my other stuff, but I've always been writign shit like this. I just only let a certain amount of it be public, because they don't all turn out good. I really liked this one, though.
Glad to hear you're proud of you work, lately Being confident in your skills increases your skills, methinks. Either way, you know I am blown away by your talent. And I seriously still want to do some illustrations to your writing
