Soul Smile Meditation

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by TrippinBTM, Jul 2, 2006.

  1. TrippinBTM

    TrippinBTM Ramblin' Man

    This one isn't quite finished, in my mind. I wouldn't mind some constructive criticism on it.
    _ _ _ _ _

    Soul Smile Meditation

    She is beauty, she is peace
    she is everything i want to be
    sitting on that park bench
    knees hugged to her chest
    ankles crossed, eyes closed
    but not unseeing--
    she's watching the majesty
    of her mind's unfolding
    stretching out to reveal
    a soulful smiling self
    and there's a little smile
    on her face now too,
    just a trace but it's enough,
    all the evidence one might
    need to believe that she
    is burning up with some
    unimaginable fire inside.

    Sitting on that park bench
    knees hugged to her chest,
    ankles crossed, mind expanded,
    her spirit radiating out peace
    which the park trees breathe in,
    as if breathing for the Earth,
    and then return her peace in kind.
    They stand witness to her,
    appreciating her relaxation
    nearly unique among the usual
    park visitors, for she is still
    and smiling inside as well as out.
     
  2. MollyBloom

    MollyBloom Member

    Brandon, I like it, but I'm not completely intrigued by peaceful Buddhist kind of poetry. I do appreciate it, but I seem to take out my angst and aggression in poetry, and am drawn to the same.

    But the poem does try to shine some peaceful light into my confused soul :)
     
  3. crypticnight

    crypticnight Member

    nice imagery...I feel a little fuzzy and that is good :)
     
  4. TrippinBTM

    TrippinBTM Ramblin' Man

    Molly, I don't think you'd like most of my poetry then, haha. I tend to write more introspective stuff, or nature stuff. I don't feel a lot of aggression in life, maybe some frustration but I'm a pretty mellow dude. And if I just wrote it fictionally, it comes off contrived-sounding.

    cryptic, thanks, I'm glad that you liked it. :)

    what if I take the repetition out, and put it all in one stanza? I think this has pretty good flow, better still if it didnt repeat and didn't break. Just an idea, what do y'all think?
     
  5. Gitmo Dave

    Gitmo Dave Member

    It seems you have projected a lot into this person you have noticed on the park bench. I do not believe you have the capability to do this and come up with the correct intrepretation of what 'she' is experiencing. However this is a good representation of what you were 'experiencing'.

    You asked for some crits so please take it as trying to be helpful and not nasty. Go back in your mind to this experience and try and see what this person is feeling instead of what you are feeling. There is no way that you could know all that about her just from observing her so your information about her does not come across as genuine to me.

    But it is possible to make a poem out of seeing her there if your observation is adequate. A poets job is to observe and relate his observation, not to transform what he has seen.

    For a good example of how to do this William Carlos Williams is a good study. You can google him and find a wealth of info on his technique and it will be very helpful.
     
  6. TrippinBTM

    TrippinBTM Ramblin' Man

    well, she's a friend of mine, so i have a bit more than just someone i saw, haha. Though it's true that I didn't state that anywhere, so the reader couldn't know that. I'll look into WCW, thanks for the advise. Any specific poems I should check out?
     

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