Bobby Ersatz was always seen as the cream of the crop, the king of the school, the head honcho, whatever 1 liner that means, “The man,” that was Bobby. Bobby used to wake up every single morning and he’d just wake up, and head to school, not do a single thing, just wake up, maybe scrub his hair a bit and go. He’d get to school, he wouldn’t say a word, he’d just take it all in. Yet, the way Bobby carried himself, the way he smiled when you said something positive, the compassionate expression he held when you told him bad news, the way you knew he was amazing, yet he hardly ever spoke. Well, some people got to thinking, maybe there was something off about Bobby, maybe he wasn’t compassionate, maybe he didn’t share your laughs and smiles when he looked like he was, he was too, too gentle, too kind, he was just too much of nothing to not be something different! All of his classmates were confused about him, they all started talking with the “I heard, Someone told me, My friend heard, I thought, I saw, He said, She said, Someone said, I think I thought I heard someone say that she said he saw some think about him in a funny sort a way…”’s. All of the little rumors you could think were spread among the school. Soon, Bobby was the talk of the town, every mother told their daughter, “That Bobby, he’s just not right honey.” And all the father’s said, “Keep your damned child away from my daughter.” And pointed their big noses into the Ersatz family’s business. Soon it was found that Bobby was a little off, turns out, no one every noticed, but Bobby’s family didn’t go to the local church. They didn’t come to the block parties, they didn’t tip their hats to passerby’s, they didn’t sit out on their front porches and stick their noses into the family business of others. They were, strange. Out of the ordinary, abnormal, odd, unlike, outcasts, they weren’t Blue as some would say. They were most definitely, not like the humble, church loving, gossip driven, 2nd amendment loving whole hearted down south Americans. Well, one day the town decided, the Ersatz just had to go…it was just too discomforting knowing that those freethinking individuals could be infiltrating their youth, maybe they were reds?! Or worse…maybe they were Canadian!?! No one every knew the full history of the Ersatz, no one ever dared go near them. Over time, it became VERY apparent to them they weren’t welcome. Well, the Ersatz being the humble and quiet type they were, decided not to question their thoughts. The Ersatz pulled their son out of public school, where he stopped attending anyway after he was no longer appreciated, they decided their daughter could no longer sell her art at the local fairs, no one bought any of her devil work anyway, and finally, the two eldest Ersatz decided it might be time to get rid of their all too offensive peace sign door knocker. The Ersatz soon were no longer the talk of the town, no longer was their presence a nuisance and people eventually forgot about them. The children of the town grew up unknowing of the world of art, they didn't understand what all the colors and wavy lines meant. They didn't witness the drama and "moral decay" of the world of theatre, they never knew of Romeo and Juliet's tragic love. They never once had to read a single book that spelt god with a lowercase G, they never knew of the Big Bang Theory, they never thought for themselves, they never even knew how if they wanted to, none of them ever went too far for college, none of them ever saw the skyscrapers and intense culture of New York City, they never witnessed the calm and tranquil atmosphere of Seattle and they never saw the sandy beaches of Miami. Yet, in their hearts, they were the truest of Americans. They were just another grain of sand at that Miami beach, just moving along where the wind took them, never taking in the beauty of the oceans they neighbored. The Ersatz family closed their eyes with the dying masses of America, and gently drifted into the civilized world.
I have to say, that was really good. You do have a knack for writing. I like the message you got across without being all hippy-dippy mushy about it. Your writing style is one I appreciate. Nice work
I'd like to see examples... how did it become apparent? It seemed like that was missing from the piece. I'm also not a fan of lovey-dovey endings with a hit-you-over-the-head "message" to them. That's just my preference. The beginning was interesting though and pulled me in. I'd also like to hear more about what made people think of Bobby as "a little off".
Yeah, I didn't really put much time into it...and realized it was lacking a lot...but it was just kinda a "feel like writing something" thing where you start with 1 idea...and then I ended with a completely different idea Bobby was viewed as a little off because he wasn't like the others, I'm basing this off of my school which if filled with un-cultured, mindless idiots who have the need to babble about bullshit in order to fit in...Bobby is supposedly in the story, or can be implied, the only quiet and not bullshitter, therefor, Bobby being different in that sense, makes him off. So there was actually nothing wrong with Bobby, but from the perspective of the school and locals, he was. The message wasn't really a moral, just more of a thought. The rumors and gossip etc can be viewed as why they no longer felt welcome, words have their way of working around Thank you for the input though...but I wasn't really trying anything serious I'll post more stuff if I ever write any
I understand - I meant it would help the piece if you pointed out specific things he did or said and how the other students reacted negatively to him, which would make things more interesting - because as it stands, you have an interesting character here I just would like to see him more fleshed out.
Yeah, after I read your incite and replied, I then went back and re-read my story I forgot that I mentioned his "off" characteristics more than once, so it would've made a lot more sense if I had built on that...it'd be like saying "There was something special about Joe" and saying it 3 times...but never telling you what was special, a real kick in the balls haha
The Ersatz family closed their eyes with the dying masses of America, and gently drifted into the civilized world. .... and moved to Canada.
Pretty good, although it seems like it should be either longer or shorter. It's in some weird limbo between creative thought and meaningful short story.
