social anxiety

Discussion in 'Women's Forum' started by headymoechick, Jan 18, 2005.

  1. ZePpeLinA

    ZePpeLinA Jump around!

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    hi
    i was reading your posts and you sound exactly like me. I dont think I'm a bad person, quite the contrary I'm very caring and understanding, but I dont have friends. I've a couple of nice friends that I dont see anymore, the rest are just acquaintances...
    Today for example I went to Uni cos I had an exam, and I didnt speak to anyone, cos I didnt know anyone. I've seen them in my class but somehow there's nothing to talk about with them, i dont know why, i just feel they look at me funny cos i dont dress like them and i dont talk like them. I feel so old sometimes, I dont want to go out dancing cos i'd rather go to a pub and chat and drink, but everyone seems to be into going dancing and stuff, for example.
    I feel really alone now, I was just telling my brother that I wonder why i dont have any friends...he was wondering the same about himself.
    I just wish I had a group of friends who would accept me for who I am and are happy to be my friends. I've never had that. I'm so pathetic.
     
  2. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

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    no your're not! Sometimes I think I have a social probelm but I'm not pathetic and neither are you!!

    maybe we just dance to the beat of our own drum (or whatever it is my mom's always telling me)

    usually after I go hang out with a bunch of people, I don't feel as bad about wanting to be alone.

    some people just "get it" I guess and can hang out with anyone. sometimes I DO wish I was one of them.
     
  3. Disconformitized

    Disconformitized Member

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    I'm another one who can relate... I've come to realize that if you really wanted to, you could judge everyone on something. In multiple books I've been reading I've learned that thats what the ego needs and wants in order for it to have a sense of itself. It has to have those people below you and above.

    My solution is to stop looking at people as that kind of person or that kind. All that specification just makes thing more complicated and leaves me feeling hopelessly alone. Look at people as people first, then aknowledge that as people they have trouble understanding points of view other than behind thier eyes. That's the fault of all the mush between our ears.

    I know when I'm trying to rationalize trivial situations I naturely look for an abosolute/extreme answer. Like I ask myself is everyone else in the world really that uncompassionate and ignorant, or is it the way I'm percieving everyone else. While I don't think the world is made up of 100% pricks, I also dont think My cynicism is completely unjustifiable. So I figure the solution to not having friends lays somewhere inbetween the 2 extremes.


    That mean that it's gonna require effort on my part in meeting the rest of the world half way. which only makes sense, it would be ridiculous to expect people to take interest in me if I'm automatically throw them into this group or that.

    I realized over the past couple months I probably wont have a group or click of friends ever again in my life. I actually consider myself lucky for being part of the loser lunch table in highschool. But I realized even those people, who I considering the best of my friends, actually never really knew me. But what I do in consolation is look for an individual or two from a larger group that I know I mesh with. I realisticly cant expect to fit in any group, but I can make up my own group by choosing to be assosciated with the creative/open minded memebers of other groups.

    I actually made my new years resolution that I would not jump to any conclusion about anyone. Because I know that people can easily percieve me as a worthless sack of shit. If I expect people to give me a chance to explain what I really think, Then I can only expect the same when it comes to me accepting people as imperfect mammals.
     
  4. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

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    Peopel are too busy worrying about themselves to worry about you. This isn't ment to be harsh in any ways. But I mean I use to really think about what others thought of me...ad then I had a child and it seemed like everything changed. Like we just all have to do what we have to do to be who we want to be adn that's that. People who get hung up on other people ego problems just get stuck tehre. The more you grasp who you are and are proud of it you won't have to explain yourself..you will jsut be without words. People will KNOW. I find having to explain yourself to people means that they and you are different and sometimes that's ok but sometimes that just means you need to find new friends. I can't relate to most people my own age on a social level. I mean I can relate to them but they can't relate to me. Wherever you want to be go there and you'll find your people.
     
  5. mynameiskc

    mynameiskc way to go noogs!

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    i don't so much have a problem with what people think of me, i have a problem with the noise, the proximity, the bumping, the inevitable grope, shit like that. i just hate it.
     
  6. lynsey

    lynsey Banned

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    after about 6 months of complete anti socialness because of a traumatic event i finally snapped out of it. I realized that it's not other people who I dislike I disliked myself. On friday I literally slapped myself in the face and said snap the fuck out of it or you're never going to be happy. Finally I am the happiest I've been in along time. Everything I picked on other people for-their snottiness, their stupidity, their out there ideas were things that I criticized myself for and it's only been a few days but since I started opening myself up a bit more and have been more accepting of others I have also been more accepting of myself.
     
  7. mynameiskc

    mynameiskc way to go noogs!

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    that's really awesome, lynsey. i'm glad to hear it.
     
  8. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

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    I wish you people lived around here. Then you could SEE what I see everyday. I DO like myself. and I try to like other people. I'm not judgemental. BUt when I go to someone with a problem and they tell me to stop being a hippie and it will go away, I feel like THEY are being judgemental. Or when people tell me I'm a loser because I work so hard and I'm no fun. Or when I need to talk to someone because my dad threatened to kill himself on my next birthday and I'm told that they have other things to do. That's when I feel like I'm totally alone and I don't have anyone except my boyfriend who is sick of being the only one there.

    I am a pretty positive person. I just don't have anyone here I can connect with that's all. Yes, I know everyone is too self obsessed to care about me. So then why do I care about others? Why isn't there one fucking person out there who gives a damn about me and doesn't talk shit about me and doesn't blow me off when I make an attempt to spend time with people?

    That's all I ask. Someone who's not two-faced and like sme for who I am.

    Sorry but I had a bad weekend.
     
  9. lynsey

    lynsey Banned

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    thanks KC:)
     
  10. lynsey

    lynsey Banned

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    I think you should think of what you do have. A lot of women can't even count on their boyfriend to be there when they really need to talk-you're lucky you can. if he makes you a priority hang on to him. I've been in a relationship before where the person I was with was the only one I needed and if you have something like that-that's wonderful, a beautiful thing, how a relationship should be.

    Maybe you have been antisocial for so long that your friends feel blown off or pushed away and some sort of explanation is in order as to why you've been declining their friendship over and over again-if you have been. If you feel like someones not appropriattly being there for you than stop hanging out with them. If they just like you when you're ready to party but not when you have problems than that's not a true friend.

     
  11. Faerie

    Faerie Peachy

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    Im the same way.... My currant boyfriend, told me he thought i was a snot... i just didnt talk to him for the first few months, it takes me a long time to open up an let people in, most of my friends have turned on me. My best friend of 22 years has recently turned on me cause her boyfriend doesnt like me, he only met me twice. It just makes me want to never let anyone in. Grrrrr.
     
  12. Aprilshower

    Aprilshower Member

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    Hi,

    I can totally relate to you guys. I've been hurt/rejected by quite a few so-called 'friends' in my life. Although I do have a few true friends who I've known for quite a few years, I don't see them that often and I find it's so difficult to meet new ones, once you leave school/college.

    I have tried to meet new people at work and going to a few groups and although I get on with them, it's only an aqaintance type of friendship I have with them. I like them, but there doesn't seem to be that real connection there. I consider myself to be a very open-minded person and providing I'm comfortable with someone I will talk about anything. No subject is off limits with me! With my work colleagues i find that I have to be careful about opening up though, cos for a start people will talk and secondly I fear being judged and ostracised for being different because I haven't had the easiest or the most normal life a 25 year old has had. I also fear being taken the piss out of (in a nasty way), cos i know i'm a little different from many people my age, for reasons mentioned above.

    I think my fear stems from the fact that I was bullied at school not by people i disliked but my own friends! Then I've had the one to one close friend who has turned against me, stabbed me in the back or blown me off for no reason.

    With my family, I love my parents and get on fairly well with them now, but I've never been close to my brother. We get on but we don't open up at all to each other. I've tried to be close with him, but he never wants to get into a conversation. When he talks to my folks and I try to join in, he ignores anything I have to say and I feel excluded from the conversation. I always felt he was and still is the favourite. I feel second best to him whenever he comes over and visits.

    I now know from past experiences there are a lot of assholes out there - sometimes I think the majority of people are, but at the same time there are good people out there. They are just bloody hard to find!
     
  13. Jedi

    Jedi Self Banned

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    Probably this is one of the main reasons you can't "connect" to people the way you want. I had the same problem actually, when i turned 12, I was brought to another world with out my say, I too faced problems like yours actually... atleast thats what I think now. Anyway, one way to get around this problem would be to have/gain the strength to forgive those who have taken advantage of you no matter what the case may be, a sincere forgiveness given will lift your spirits, it might be hard for you but you should work on it.
     
  14. imagining

    imagining Member

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    wow i didn't realize there were so many other people who were this way too..i have some casual friends but only 1 person that i feel i can open up to..but when i have a problem in that friendship theres no where to turn and it has even more of an impact on me..i personally can be very awkward and nervous around new people, so i just dont say much..im quiet in general though..i'll try to be out-going and open up a bit to make a connection but then i get self-conscious and feel obnoxious >.< im working on it though..but thats part of the thing, isnt it, that it feels like work to socialize, and at those times you'd much rather be alone..ehh look at me bitch to people i dont even know..ive never really talked about it much before though so it just kinda opened up the floodgates..but im actually making a little progress.. i have a couple more people whom i would count as a little past casual friendship..what im trying to say i guess is if you just keep working at it and go a little past your initial comfort zone your bound to get somewhere..thats been my experience *so far* anyways, even though there've been plenty of embarassing times..it may take a looong time to sift through and find a few cool people to connect with though and thats the really discouraging part..anyways though i'll stop blabbering now..
     
  15. headymoechick

    headymoechick I have no idea

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    wow.
    not only do I not feel alone anymore i feel like I have friends!

    I can't see you guys or hug you, but I want you all to know you mean alot to me.

    I feel so stupid and maybe it's just hormones, but I'm bawling right now at my desk because I don't feel so isolated and I feel loved. Especially all the B-day posts and PM's. I've never had so many people wish me a happy b-day before.

    Thanks to all of you who make me feel beautiful!
     
  16. st0neD|floyD

    st0neD|floyD Member

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    Hah, I'm going through the exact same thing. I've isolated myself for 8 years now; gone further and further into recluse. Smoked lots of pot and did lots of drugs which probably did nothing but isolate myself further. If I wanted to call a buddy up I would have one; yet I don't relate or even really like him. I have a cool older sister and her group of friends, but they work quite a bit and are into the starting a life bit.

    I went out yesterday with a co-worker from a previous job. A 36 year old native; we went to several bars and talked to several women. Something I would have never done before, never. I met a sweet girl who seemed to really groove on me. I asked for her number; something I've never done before. For some reason I feel reluctant to call her though. I feel like she will grow bored of me; I feel uneasy about my inexperience. :|

    It seems to a lot easier to have someone to go with, oh.. and alcohol too! By the end of the night I was getting pretty paranoid about me buying all the drinks. I have afterall been unemployed for 2 months and my co-worker has been working steady.. just in town for a few days. I'm always paranoid that people are trying to use me. I was pretty lippy on the way home pretty much calling him out as a user. This 225 pound native said that he felt like knocking me out, which didn't really frighten me. I still think he used me.. and for what? why?

    I usually walk through the mall / supermarket etc. and avoid all eye contact. I get really flustered and anxious in social situations so I do my best to avoid them all together. Waiting in line at the grocery market is one of the worst things for me; or calling someone on the phone.

    In some aspects I enjoy being a loner; I am most comfortable with myself alone... a true introvert by nature. Some days it gets lonely though. It gets depressing too; for years I've beat myself up over not fitting in, not having a girlfriend, being an unemployed stoner, a loser, coward, and so on. Even if at the time you don't mean it; eventually you start believing it.

    I don't know the answer really... still working on it. I feel that I've missed out on a lot of stuff, high school, parties, and ladies. At the same time I think I have a better understanding of myself, my values, goals, and the society around me because of my observative [stoned] years.

    Hehe, peace. Don't ever be ashamed of who you are. Keep your chin up. :)
     
  17. Jedi

    Jedi Self Banned

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    Yea!!!
     

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