so, having a hard time finding a comfortable balance...

between my masculine soul and feminine body. hell, even my masculine soul is a marginalized bisexual. *sigh* every day in life is a hurdle. do you ever find yourself just looking for a break to stretch and rest a while?

 

Sure....probably not even close to what you are going through, but I have days where my masculine " BUTCH" self wants to stay out and keep my " FEM" usual self underwraps for awhile.....but, arent we lucky that we get to switch back and forth, while the NORM is stuck only knowing what the self they were born with feels like !!

 

be careful your not feeling discomfort because of what society thinks is right and wrong.
I love being a fem guy, some people love it too, others don't, but ultimatley, thats their issues
S

 

Well, I was wondering if you(kc) were trying to say that you would like to take a break from the whole gender thing altogether... it sounds like it is a social issue... but I can see how that would affect your whole self as well.

Or are you saying you'd like to take a break from having to identify with your body?

 

Drawing a random card....



Osho Zen Tarot : 6. The Lovers


'These three things are to be taken note of: the lowest love is sex - it is physical - and the highest refinement of love is compassion. Sex is below love, compassion is above love; love is exactly in the middle.

Very few people know what love is. Ninety-nine percent of people, unfortunately, think sexuality is love - it is not. Sexuality is very animal; it certainly has the potential of growing into love, but it is not actual love, only a potential....

If you become aware and alert, meditative, then sex can be transformed into love. And if your meditativeness becomes total, absolute, love can be transformed into compassion. Sex is the seed, love is the flower, compassion is the fragrance.

Buddha has defined compassion as love plus meditation. When your love is not just a desire for the other, when your love is not only a need, when your love is a sharing, when your love is not that of a beggar but an emperor, when your love is not asking for something in return but is ready only to give - to give for the sheer joy of giving - then add meditation to it and the pure fragrance is released. That is compassion; compassion is the highest phenomenon.

Osho Zen, Zest, Zip, Zap and Zing Chapter 3​

Commentary: What we call love is really a whole spectrum of relating, reaching from the earth to the sky. At the most earthy level, love is sexual attraction. Many of us remain stuck there, because our conditioning has burdened our sexuality with all kinds of expectations and repressions. Actually the biggest "problem" with sexual love is that it never lasts. Only if we accept this fact can we then really celebrate it for what it is - welcome its happening, and say good-bye with gratitude when it's not.

Then, as we mature, we can begin to experience the love that exists beyond sexuality and honors the unique individuality of the other. We begin to understand that our partner often functions as a mirror, reflecting unseen aspects of our deeper self and supporting us to become whole.

This love is based in freedom, not expectation or need. Its wings take us higher and higher towards the universal love that experiences all as one.'

 

YES! that's exactly it. i wanna be ungendered.

 

that's really beautiful! i've often intuited that very same thing. i've always become so frustrated with people who think that if they're having sex with someone, they must be in love. i learned long ago that sex isn't necessarily a love act. i eventually reached a point where i my need to give affection and support and love to my friends, it became clear to me that my love would transform into a sexual affection, but not always. but those times are the dearest to me, the cleanest form of giving.

 

Thats a really beautiful response!

I feel like i know you better.

 

the lovers card also has another meaning, so its incredable that it wa picked as a random card
it stands for balance, quite often a couple is protrayed on the card, one is very dark (hair and skin wise) and the other light, it involues reaching a balance and becoming something that is a mixture of both, learning to love yourself, as the lovers become something more than themselves but it is also STILL themselves, I hope you find the sacred balance between the two sides of you.
however this may be your karmic journey of this life time, so why try to rush it?!
S

 

I can completely relate, KC.

And I really like that interpretation Samhain. That is something I will definately think about. I feel like I oftentimes switch back and forth to feeling a feminine role force to a masculine, to a non-gender force, force being the operative word, because it often feels overpowering and aggressive.

I have in my mind(finally) a balance between who I want to be, who I feel I am in terms of gender. Which is almost completely related to what I will allow myself to believe about what gender roles I should follow, versus what I feel, and how I think about how that will be percieved. My mind has integrated, my whole self is working on it... occassionally finding a balance. Good luck KC.

 

i was trying to explain to my mother yesterday what is going on in my head right now, and she made the utterly shocking statement "you're as close to perfect as any human being i've ever met, why do you want to change?" it was flattering and shocking, and illustrative of how my mom knows me, which is my external behavior. no wonder my sister is such a bad ass, she thinks she's competing with me and i'm not even in the race. i'm working on the balance thing, but the descontruction phase i'm going through can be ennervating.

 

I would ask her what she see's as perfect, I know from my own mother that she seems to turn everything ainto her issues, whithout ever telling the outside world she has a less than perfect son.
If I do something she feels is wrong, its her fault for the way she brought me up, if I start a new venture its 'do well don't let us down'

sometimes when we say we feel a certain way, we just want someone to listen and acknowldge what space we are in, because saying 'your perfect' is really devalueing where you are, because its saying your not really going through what you think you are.
when of course you are.

KC did you have time to reflect on what I said about the lovers card, i can't believe it was drawn for you!
S

 

oh, yeah, i totally loved that card and your take on it. yeah, my mom, and the rest of my family, really, have always kept me on some bizarre pedestal. they only take me down long enough to admire and repolish. but my mom is definitely the worst about it. i know a good deal of that is that she's my mother. but i've never yet done aything i'm really proud of, yet my mother is capable of hammering on all my siblings for their imperfections, yet praise me for my perfection. i don't understand it. it's a totally unreal expectation. i think just becuase i'm able to keep my temper most of the time. when i was growing up, she never had me in any sports. she wanted a little girl. then, as i got older, she told me it was also because i was such a perfectionist. i don't get it. seems to me that sports coulda done me a lotta good. losing is just as important as winning, don't you think?