Single Dads & dating & real life - HELP

I am at a loss of how to start this thread. So, i might as well jump right in. Beware, this may be a very long letter, but i need help and some insight from worthwhile & objective people, u.

The point of this letter, i need to find out what other single parents, mainly dads, specifically other full time single parent dads, do with their kid(s) to make sure that the child feels real complete with only 1 parent around, and how do u maintain a social life for ur child as well for urself, and what to do when the other parent all of a sudden wants back in the child life. See where i am going this?

My situation sucks, no matter how u look at it, except from a view of it can alwyas be worse mentality. Some backround, i met a girl , got pregnant, got married, had a kid, kid got sick, mom went nuts, mom became a cokehead alchy, kid got better, mom didnt, mom is unhappy, dad doesnt notice cuz dad is miserable, mom and dad fight, mom leaves, mom gets arrested for 3rd dui, dad is now both mom and dad.

When i write it out this way, my situation seems almost rational, however, there is always more to the story, buts thats not now. So, here i am 9 months physically seperated (we tried the share the house thing, it only got worse), my son, tay almost 4yr, has been living with me soley. Recently, his mom has started coming around to see him. I think that is great, as long as she is sober.

So, i know i am not the greatest at being a mom, but im pretty good at being a dad, but im a hippie, i make "strange" decisions that others dont understand. I think livng remotely in the country is a better environment for kids/adults than the city, i think living on a community farm is wonderfull, greens should be virtually free and legal, but the people im surrounded by dont agree, mainly my folks who help out a lot, but are orthodox jews, and his mother, who actually grew up in the boonies.

I think my son has finally understood that its just me and him, but i know he misses his mom, a lot. And on top of that,i dont have any freinds with kids that he can play with, so when i go to work he stays home with a nanny (i dont trust the "day care centers" around here, too scary, too much shit happens behind closed curtains). On weekends he goes to grandmas/pas but still not really his age group.

I get worried that he might be lonely, and unfortunaltley, i have to work, its a good job, but im not home. Next year he should start school, but the public schools suck, i cant afford private schools - plus i dont agree with the concept of it, my parents want him to goto jewish day school, where i went as a kid - no Friggin Way - and i want to home school him, buit at the same note he wont get the interaction he needs to develop good people skills. So i how do i get him to have freinds, shit i only have like 2 real freinds donw here. I am very leary of city folk, almost all folk actually, but i dont want him to be lonely, or be influenced by bad surroundings (conventional surroundings either) i want him to grow up with nature and a close group family/freinds ones in time he will rely on and they will comethru for him, ya know what i mean??


So i am torn, WTF, i want to move, either NC, New England area, or back to northern Cali, noone is OK with that. I think that the longer i stay, the less likely it will happen, but i worry that i might be tearing this child away from those he loves, even though there may be a better life for us elsewhere. So should i go now when things are still young, or should i go later when roots have grown deeper. I tell myself that i am sooner or later leaving this sesspool of a state.

Another issue is the dating thing. Is it ok to date, is it ok to have the child get attached, how do u prevent it - can u, being that most relationships sooner or later end, does the child feel worse because of it, what if it happens over and over, will the child replicate this cycle when he gets older? I used to believe that all expierences were for the best, even those really bad ones we all have, they make us who we are, right? But now, i am getting older, and life is actually scarier than ever before, it used to be just me and my dog, not much to woory about, but now there is taylor, every decision has to be thought out, i used to just go with it, no i think about the downside and there is always a downside, am i just being a pussy, should i not sweat it? Convention seems to be growing on my back, getting closer eachday, the florida divorce with children class, says i should NOT introduce my date to my son untill i have been dating them for at least 1 year - how is that possible??? R they right???

Lastly, for now, his mom. She wants to start having overnighters unsupervised. She has yet to have him unsupervised for even 15 minutes, and has never stayed for a visit longer than 2 hours, her choice not mine. She feels she has regained herself worth, and wants tay around without me watching. I am very twisted on this one, i know a boy needs his mom, but can i trust her to be sober and not drive again with tay if she happens to get drunk, or what happens when her freinds happen to stop by with a gram or something, what then, wil history repeat itself, probably. Is 1 night a week OK now? or is that just plain stupid to even consider???????????????????

HELP ME PLEASE - I know there are some single daddies and mommies who r in my situation or have a suggestion - thanx 4 reading my long long long ramble -

Much love my sistas and brothas
Peace Luv & Pot

ps - sorry about the tux, its my only digi photo i have -

 

I hope you don't mind me replying... I'm not a single dad BUT I am a single mom with 2 boys. The father of my childern had drug and alcohol problems too. Its hard to decide when it is right for them to get into your child's life again. I think only you should be able to gauge that. If you have ANY doubt don't let her. Your son is your top priority and he only has you to keep him safe. Even if she is his mother and he may not understand now he needs your knowledge to keep his life from being chaotic. In my opinion I will not and do not trust my childern's father. He has problems that cannot and will not be cured in a couple of weeks nor on his own. By visiting she doesn't seem to be proving much. Yes, she loves her son but that usually doesn't protect or care for a child. Maybe, by telling her this isn't going to work (her just saying shes ready) she will take steps to help herself by going and getting help from people who can provide it. Try to have a conversation with your son not present. If she is getting better like she says she will have no problem doing whatever she can to see her son. Maybe have her get drug tested randomly when you ask. Don't let her guilt trip you either, hold strong. If she can't see she needs to prove more then shes just selfish.
Ok, now for dating. This is how I see and will do dating(since I have not started yet but will be, lol). Dating seems fine, just make sure the person understands your situation and respects it. I think the first sign that someone seems pissed or jealous is when you ditch them rather than prolong it which may cause your child pain. I would gradually introduce your girlfriend to your son once you see she is working out. Have a day of fun somewhere where you all can enjoy...maybe a picnic or walk at a nature park? Ask if he'd like your friend "so and so" to come along. See how he likes her. If your son doesn't like her it may not be wise to see her. I wouldn't have her there all the time or even sleep over until you know you'll be keeping her permantly in your life. Thirdly, I wouldn't and don't care of other people's opinions on how I should run my life. Its mine and not theirs. You aren't suppose to only think about how happy it would make other feel to accomidate them and not you. If your not happy odds are your son won't be either.
Does your town have a YMCA? If you have a low income the ymca might give you a free or discounted pass. They have alot of classes there that you and your son can do together and he can meet friends there! I know around here the ymca has a program from home-schooled childern to get together and play. I'm sure alot of parents there will have similar views as you. Ok, and the last thing I wanted to write is about your son being sad about his mom not being around. Have you talked to him about it yet? He probably feels and knows something negative is going on and is confused. You probably should tell him the truth but gently. Like, remeber when you were sick? mommy is now having problems where she is sick too (drug abuse is a sickness) and since she loves you she needs to get better. To get better she needs to go away but she'll still visit. Then ask him if he has questions. Answer them truthfully... but remeber to be gentle about it. He just needs to understand its not his fault and that you both love him. I really feel for you. I'm here to chat anytime you'd like. I hope my post doesn't seem bossy, lol. It wasn't meant to. I do really hope though things work out for you and your son.

 

I'd say let him meet her more than once...I could never really make a decission about what I thought about someoen one of my parents was dating by only meeting them once.

 

Mister Green...
Single parenting is rough, but sooo rewarding!
Obviously, if your son's Mom can not be trusted to be sober, she can not be trusted to take your son overnight. Yes, he "needs" his Mama, but his safety is more important at this point. And he has a loving, responsable Daddy.

I live in Dade county and work in Broward, if you'd like, I'll send you some parenting and playgroups info. You can meet other moms and dads of kids his age and make play dates for your son. Until kids are about 6 or 7, the most important interactions they have are with family!

Dating is fine. You don't need to be a hermit! YOu can keep your dating seperate from your son, or you can involve him slowly. As long as you have a healthy attitude towards dating, he will too. Kids understand a lot more than we think, even more than we do! Life is about relationships, making new ones, letting go of old ones, and new people will always be coming and going in both of your lives. There's nothing wrong with making new friends, as long as your son doesn't think that every woman you date is going to be his new mommy. I don;t think you should have overnight female friends until you are seriously involved, but dating is fun and healthy and why on earth should your son not see that?

I'll PM you with some parenting and playgroups in Broward area.

Don't worry so much!

 

u gals rock - thanx for someinsight, lets keep it coming, DADDIES where is ur input at??????? Peace Luv & pot

 

I guess im the only single daddy on the site - sure - so instead, ill take the ladies advice, for the most part - keep em comin - peace

 

yea - heavy huh - lifes a trip - u never can tell where a decision will take ur path - i once heard in a movie that i hated, i dont remember waht it is clled, but the quote went something like this - "One night pleasure can lead to a lifetime of pain" - BTW, just so i am clear, i make every possible effort, including calling my ex at night just so tay knows he has a mom that loves him, regardless if its tru - my feeling, is that she does love him, but has too much hate in her life to be able to show it to him now, maybe in time, hopefuly in time - PL&P

KEEP EM COMIN

 

Micheal - i feel ya homey - BTW - we lived in Seattle (everett actually) 4 yrs ago, taylor was born there - anyways - my life is more or less great, really i do believe this, i have a better job than 90% of the counrty, in my opinon, i have the greatest kid, 2 awesone dogs, im well educated in the streets nd schools (my spelling and grammer suk though), i own my own house and have a few income props, i have my own company with reall fulltime employees, im only 28, ive lost 45 pounds since i split from the ex (in a good way), the list goes on.

I am trooper, always have been. I never forget where i came from - and trust me, 44 Percs is nothin 2me, pm me and we can exchange some stories - i changed for my son b4 he was born - it wasnt even difficult, i even quit drinkin then, still barely drink (like 4 beers a month) - BUT - as in all things in life, i stil wish some things were better, especially when it comes to my son.

Im adopted, i always felt it, still do, blood family is a huge thing for me, i only have my son, so i wish that he got to see his mom more and got to know her love also, with that in mind - i try to look past my resentment and anger towards my ex so my son will eventually know that he has 2 loving parents, not just 1, regardless of the fact that they are divorced. I do plan on remarring one day, maybe not conventionally, but in my own way, and I would assume that whomever i choose will be a great mother to my son and will shower him in love, but blood is blood - there will always be a deeper connection.

I would say that the only other thing missing in my life right now is a "better half" but i am sure tht sooner or later, i'll have one. But this time, im being very picky - cya on the flip side bro - Peace Luv & Pot

 

thats a very sweet pic of you and your son =)
I ended up pmin'g you with my input! You sound like a very good father. when you said ' one night of pleasure can lead to a lifetime of pain' ... it probably seems that way but underneath your blessed you have a beautiful son. You two will probably be very close and bonded in this life. enjoy that journey!!

just remember to give yourself credit your doing a wonderful job with him, you really seem to care and need to be reminded of that.
I hope things go well for you both

Valerie

 

Thanx for ur awesome email, but yea - iwasnt in any way referring to my taylor - hes the best, theres no pain there other than fear of fuckin him up - he makes it all worth it - i was ref to life in general - i know that everything will always work it self out, it always does...one way or another.

I love this site - peace luv & pot - MGDG

 

I wish you strength, faith and preserverence...
and remember
"when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"
namaste

 

wow, i feel so sad for you, not in a pity way, but in a humane way, im sorry 4 u. I couldn't imagine losing a spouse to death, my ex and i were never in love, if we were, it was at seperate times, but even now, in my situation i would be devasted for a long time if god forbid that happened to tay and i. For a while, we both agreed that it was in everyones best interest to play the game. Now thats its over, life needs to go on.

I myself have always been on the move, ive probably lived in 50 different cities and states and countries thruout my life, and most of the time, i was on my own. When we were married we lived in 7 places over 4 years, 3 states, she always went along with things, sometimes kicking and screaming, but i always made the big descions, she was a housewife (but we had a fulltime nanny/housekeeper after taylor got out of the hospital) and she made the day to day choices.

As far as dating, im totally ready, but, i think if taylor just sees the freindship aspect of the relationship, and for a while doesnt see the makin out and overly passionate public displays of affection, that with enough exposure to this person, he will see us all as freinds and therefore not getting overly attached to this person, at least no more than he does with my "ordinary" freinds (none of my freinds r ordinary, were all strange). Does that make sence?

i look at lonelyness like this: Just because im alone a lot, doesnt mean i HAVE to be lonley, i may get lonesome and desire company, but i can find things to occupy my time. Being lonley means (to me) not being comfortable in ur own skin, you sound like u r very comfortable with ur self, you sound like a trooper.

Regarding the visits with mom thingy, i holdin my ground, no way, not for a long while. - Today she told me she was gettin a job at a bar as a bartender (remember she is an alchy) becuase she quit her old job and needs money fast. Oh did i mention, the bargirls are toppless - yea, she makes good choices. She then asked for help with her rent cuz she is 600 short and its due soon, she creid, i cant stand tears, im a wimp, i gave in, coughed up $300 - dont say it, i already know - peace and much love to u and ur's. - MGDG

 

MisterGreen, you sound like a good man and a good father. You should have no trouble dating! When I was a single parent, the trouble with dating was finding someone who would accept me AND my daughter. I had a few boyfriends, but none were ready for the responsibility of me and my daughter. I wasn't looking for a replacement father by any means, but I guess people who don't have kids are just kind of freaked out by them. Then I met Tim (my husband). We were friends for a while before we got together. He has a daughter that's just 6 months older than mine. And now we have one together.

I don't know what my point or advice is...I don't think I actually have any!!
I just wanted to let you know that I know where you are right now. There are some tough times, but your son will make it all worth it!!

 

Sugarmag, I think thats great that you found someone, like a mini brady bunch!

 

I was only 2 when my parents got divorced, so it almost seemed natural for me to deal with living with one parent. When I was old enough to realize that my father was dating, I didn't understand how I felt at the time. Primarily, because the first few women were not very nice people, and kind of used my dad, and kids can pick up on this very easily. At that age you are your son's superman, and he probably loves you more than he knows what to do with!

If he sees that someone you are dating makes you happy, and is kind to you, my guess is he will take a liking to her just as you have, just make sure that you're priorities are straight, and he never feels threatened. I think single parents are much more than allowed to date, and it should be encouraged, many single parents are such good people, and have so much to deal with, but feel limited to happiness because of their children yet what they don't know is when their children grow up, THEY are the ones who will encourage happiness for their parents in any form.