Sianara

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Random Andy, May 27, 2004.

  1. Random Andy

    Random Andy Member

    This is the only poem I've written since I left school so excuse me if it's a little less ethereal than some - I'm a scientist really...

    We once dreamt a time when down was down
    And the world didn't go around and around
    But flat it was, no end at all,
    Then all that changed in the anti-fall

    The Earth fell out, new suns were born,
    Hell was confined to a one stop home.
    The heavens opened to surround
    What I now call our home ground

    For consciousness is what controls
    Our loves our lives our hearts and souls
    But more than that it brings to bear
    The realities our children hear

    As crying; pain. As performance; applause
    They hear not that which has no cause
    Their consciousness is newly wrought
    From truth and love their mothers caught

    When they look up, they no longer see
    A flat place where life cannot be
    But balls of rock much like our own
    Places their kind will call home
     
  2. ravenapples

    ravenapples Member

    I try to give my honest opinion off poems. Yours was good but alittle sticky

    here what I would change. Take out words you don't need make your poem stronger by making it more concise. In the first stanza you could strengthen your flow by putting 'round and 'round. Also take out but in the third line and then in the forth, it works with out it and again it helps flow.

    Second stanza, second line I don't understand what your trying to say. I feel that your message is really cool but could be said in a better way. Third stanza, second line coma, coma, coma, coma. Forth stanza, last line mother's.



    I myself am not primarily a rhyming poet because I think its too hard. I think that there is a fine line between great rhyming poetry and poetry that sacrifices it self for the sake of rhyme. You do a good job but sometimes it feel like your bending the words to rhyme. I hope this has been constructive.

     

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