This is the only poem I've written since I left school so excuse me if it's a little less ethereal than some - I'm a scientist really... We once dreamt a time when down was down And the world didn't go around and around But flat it was, no end at all, Then all that changed in the anti-fall The Earth fell out, new suns were born, Hell was confined to a one stop home. The heavens opened to surround What I now call our home ground For consciousness is what controls Our loves our lives our hearts and souls But more than that it brings to bear The realities our children hear As crying; pain. As performance; applause They hear not that which has no cause Their consciousness is newly wrought From truth and love their mothers caught When they look up, they no longer see A flat place where life cannot be But balls of rock much like our own Places their kind will call home
I try to give my honest opinion off poems. Yours was good but alittle sticky here what I would change. Take out words you don't need make your poem stronger by making it more concise. In the first stanza you could strengthen your flow by putting 'round and 'round. Also take out but in the third line and then in the forth, it works with out it and again it helps flow. Second stanza, second line I don't understand what your trying to say. I feel that your message is really cool but could be said in a better way. Third stanza, second line coma, coma, coma, coma. Forth stanza, last line mother's. I myself am not primarily a rhyming poet because I think its too hard. I think that there is a fine line between great rhyming poetry and poetry that sacrifices it self for the sake of rhyme. You do a good job but sometimes it feel like your bending the words to rhyme. I hope this has been constructive.