Should we open our marriage?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by TomSmithen, Jul 14, 2013.

  1. TomSmithen

    TomSmithen Guest

    This ended up being a long post. If you get bored skip to the end. I want responses.

    My wife and I have been married for 2 years. She had less experience in the bed than me when we started dating 5 years ago. Only 3 months after our wedding she came to me and admitted having feelings about one of my good friends. She told me that they had been hanging out while I was at work. She also told me that she was afraid that she got married to young(she was 22, I was 27) before she was able to explore her sexuality.

    My initial reaction sent chills down my spine, but I remained calm and told her that her feelings couldn't be helped. and she shouldn't stop hanging out with him for that reason, but if she was worried about it she should avoid being alone with him.

    In a weird way I started thinking about the possibility of them hooking up and it still frightened me, but it also made me aroused.

    About a week later was Halloween, and again I had to work until 11:30. The plan was for her to go to the party with friends and meet me there. I knew that she was planning on going with that guy, among others, but I wasn't worried. I would meet up with them later. When I got home, she was passed out in bed, so I decided not to go to the party.

    A few days later (due to wrongful snooping on my part) she admitted that the two of them had shared gotten very drunk and shared a kiss in a parked car. She told me that it didn't last long and that she pushed him away and asked to be taken home, but that she had kissed him back. (I have no reason to doubt her story, but part of my gut thought it could have gone further. We have very open communications and she has never done anything to loose my trust.) Her side of the story was that he kept paying her compliments in texts and in person, and that she liked the attention. She openly admitted that she wanted to have sex with him, but only stopped for the sake of me and our marriage.

    I was furious at my friend and I immediately sent him a message telling him I was very disappointed in him. He responded with "Disappointed about what?... Hello..." This time I took a more serious tone with my wife and I told her that I wasn't angry at her, but she had a serious decision to make, I still wouldn't tell her not to talk to him. But if she cheated on me I was going to leave her. It's to early in our marriage for that kind of behavior.

    Again, I imagined what it would be like if she had cheated on me with him. I know it would have been an nail in the coffin for our marriage, but I fantasized about it while I masturbated a few times.

    She stopped talking to him, and neither one of us saw him for the longest time. I ceased all communication and unfriended him from facebook for exactly one year. Recently I saw him at a bar and we talked for a few minutes like nothing had happened.

    Fast forward a year and a half. We have moved to a new city and don't have as many friends here. We spend most of our time together unless one or both of us is working. Recently she began searching for a partner to play music with. She likes to sing, and she has been auditioning men who play the guitar. This made me nervous and I voiced my concern. She promised that if one of them tried to make a move or started talking sweet on her, she would walk away.

    I started working nights again. A few nights ago I got of work and she was over at her girlfriends house talking about their marriage problems. She came home and told me about her musician friend had moved close to her a few nights ago and said something provocative. She told me that she got mad at him and told him he ruined the chances of them working together again, and immediately left.

    I told her she did the right thing and we had a beer. Next she told me that the reason he tried to make a move on her was because she told him about a man she met on instagram who had been sending her text messages about how he wanted to fuck her, and they were very illicit. She had been enjoying the text messages, and was considering meeting him in person. The guitar guy took that as a sign that her marriage was fucked and tried to act first.

    The situation brought back all the memories form the last time we had this conversation, but I was still glad that she brought it up with me instead of acting. I asked to read the text messages, but she told me no. Over the course of our conversation, she started asking me 'hypothetically how would you like to be in an open marriage' then it was 'would I be ok with us opening our marriage'

    My response was very passive, but I told her I didn't think it would be a good Idea. Dr. Drew says that bringing another person into the relationship is never a good idea. But I told her that I had been having this strange arousal as we were talking. I'm horny all the time but this feeling was pulsing through my whole body.

    Later that night she went to bed and fell asleep immediately. I laid in bed for an hour and a half, wide awake, heart feeling like it was going to explode. I finally got up and started cleaning our apartment. I did this until 6:30 when I made her breakfast in bed. The next few days I was combating my sleep deprivation and the feelings I was having about our conversation but I never had a good chance to talk to her so I just stewed in it.

    After 2 days, I had the afternoon off but needed to work that night, so I wrote a note to her explaining my feelings. I told her that I was more bothered than I appeared and I hadn't been able to sleep well since then. When we finally talked I told her that the feelings I had might not have all been bad, I was confused because a part of me thinks that this should happen.

    I started making suggestions that might make a good compromise. I thought she could sext him telling him what we are doing in bed. I mentioned reading fantasy stories about similar arrangements. I suggested that she write a fantasy story about what she anticipates would happen. I kept going on and on for a few days. Often pissing her off that I wouldn't drop it. She told me that she was over the idea and she wished she had never brought it up.

    Finally amidst our talking I got her to read a few stories and she started really liking them. I even wrote one of my own about my fantasy night with her.

    The last 2 days have been awesome sex. Between me whispering dirty talk in her ear, and the occasional fantasy story we have been having a great time.

    She hasn't mentioned it, but I keep going back to the notion of opening our marriage. If we did, I would not be participating by having sex with other women. I have told her that isn't even an option because I am so insanely in love with her.

    Finally to my questions:

    Will a girl who has had repeated desires and opportunities to be with another man continue until she hooks up with someone?

    Am I going insane from jealousy? or do I secretly want her to fuck another man?

    If we open our marriage will it strengthen our relationship or destroy it?
  2. SunLion

    SunLion Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    It sounds like you are both wired for that kind of adventure. My (late) wife and I realized the same early on and struggled with it for years. We eventually had great times that we never regretted. Then we wished we had started sooner! The mix of slight jealousy crossed with definite excitement had me confused at first though.

    We eventually created a written agreement as to our behaviors and expectations. We reviewed it every new year. We were together from 1981-2009 and only death parted us.

    I will try to reply more in depth when i am at a real keyboard in the morning.
  3. Yes, she will probably continue til she acts on it. After that at some point she could possibly get over it.

    As for you the thought of it is probably better than the action... for ex- I've been married ten yrs and sometimes I like to think about my husband with someone else... I have no idea why but I do know that I do not want him to actually be with anyone else.

    For most people I think opening the marriage is a terrible idea... esp that early in the marriage and esp if it's just gonna be one person acting on it...
    all people are different though and for some people that works... but you gotta think about the feeling part to it though... how would you feel if she actually had feelings for someone else and why does she even WANT to be with someone else...

    In general I think it's a bad idea... but the way she is going I think she is going to act on it and not to be mean, but I think she may not have told you the whole truth. Just sayin.

    (but yes, if you do decide to go there I think there should be very clear rules and also you both should have to agree on who the person is beforehand, etc.)
  4. buzzgunner

    buzzgunner 180 grains of diplomacy Lifetime Supporter

    Pal, I think you and your wife need to find a counselor, that you can see either together or separately, ASAP. Given her repeated behavior and your concerns, even if she NEVER acts on her urges, she's probably going to feel miserable and unfulfilled (no pun intended), and you're going to feel miserable and suspicious for good. (Keeping switching counselors until you find one that works for both of you, because the odds of getting the right one first time is small, and everybody is different.)

    Ultimately, I think that either 1) your wife is going to give in to her impulses (once or over and over) and you're going to need to come to terms with that behavior, or 2) she's going to need to adopt some sort of coping mechanism that allows her to avoid/decline future "opportunities" without feeling deprived. Option 3 is visit a divorce attorney and, if you truly love your wife, that will hurt more than you can imagine.

    As a data point for you, I arranged a threesome between my wife, my best (male) friend, and I during our sixth year married. I was 29 and she was 27 at the time. I did it because I really wanted to see her fucking another guy and I thought I could set things up so that there were enough controls in place to prevent the situation from spiraling out of control. It lasted for six months. It started out great and didn't start to go downhill until, after three or four months, it was groing obvious to me that she was becoming much more infatuated with my buddy than just a "friend with benefits" and I, as a result, was becoming increasingly jealous. I finally blew up that last night the three of us were together and it almost ended my marriage. A good counselor, working for a couple years, finally got us back to a good, stable, relationship.

    So, you can make it work if you do everything right, but it's like dancing on ice and it's definitely not for everyone.

    Good luck!
  5. Melanie_86

    Melanie_86 Member

    I can't believe someone is actually asking if they should have an open relationship in marriage. Marriage is sacred, between two people. If your wife cannot come to terms with that, or you for that matter, then I'm afraid to say this, but perhaps marriage is not for either of you. No offence meant.
  6. Cherea

    Cherea Senior Member

    First, I want to thank you for your post and say that I admire you for your openness. You seem to be a great guy to be in a relationship with.

    I don't have the answer to that. But, your wife does seem to have already violated your trust.

    I don't think they are mutually exclusive feelings.

    The way I see it, there's no way to legislate feelings. And what makes a relationship great are feelings. It's an oxymoron to worry about monogamy if the price to pay for it is that your feelings for each other are gone.

    Likewise, I consider it a false comfort to open a relationship with the expectation that your partner will never fall out of love with you. Or never abandon you for someone else.

    The fact is, monogamy or not, she may trade you in for someone else. Again, there is no way to legislate that.


    For those two reasons, I have an open relationship and I've moved away from every idea of control. I simply express what I find acceptable or not to my partner as things develop, but ultimately I'm not in control of her actions. Nor do I want to be.

    By not attempting to control her, I know that every second she spends with me is spent because she enjoys my company. And not because she has some secondary motivation, like dependency.

    The only wish I expressed to her was that she tell me as soon as she has feelings for someone else. This girl has been 15 years in the making; it's been that long since I've gotten along with someone this well. I truly hope she's part of my life for a very long time, and preferably for good. Like you, I'm madly in love.

    It turns out, she asked me if I had had sex with another woman. And I did. I told her, and everything is ok between us. She wasn't jealous, and was actually worried that I would feel underappreciated by her lack of jealousy.

    I told her I want her feelings for me to be of an affirmative kind, not a reverse psychology kind.

    It seems to me like a rollercoaster, man, and I don't have all the answers. All I can say is that I'm happy to have an open relationship at the moment, and I have the feeling from your post, that you would be too.

    Good luck! :) I'd love it if you kept me posted.
  7. A bit more the OP... I do wanna apologize if I sounded rude by saying that I think she isn't telling you the whole truth... but I want to tell you why I said that... first off, I could be wrong and I hope so. But her telling you about all this stuff tells me that you either have the most honest wife... or the opposite... it just doesn't make sense unless she is that honest.

    And open relationships DO work for some people but the reason I suggested it seems not to be a good idea based on what you said is, she is already going around doing stuff behind your back- telling you about stuff later...etc...without your permission. It seems like a terrible basis to start with...
    I'd only want to start something like that from a place of complete love and trust and that's not what it sounds to me like is happening there...
  8. If that is what two people decide works for them usually either from the BEGINNING or maybe after years and years of being together for just sexual reasons/fun... then, great IF it works for them (it does not work for all people or even most people)....

    but this does not sound like one of the above mentioned types of relationships. it seems like his wife is doing things behind his back and telling him half truths... and I wouldn't be surprised if his wife just wants to fuck other people but wouldn't want it the other way.

    (again to the OP- I am sorry if I sound harsh and I could very well be wrong. I'm not trying to bash your wife... just kinda basing this on my own experiences and what I've seen in people. Some red flags jump out to me.)
  10. LOL, you are not even married yet, give it a couple years
  11. lol....

    funny a non married people telling others if marriage is for them or not...


    it's like how people without kids are always the best parents. ;)
  12. The comment wasnt about marriage itself

    As you said about yhe OPs wife, if she has to constantly test the waters, well know the type. The marriage is already open, just he doesnt know.

    As for our Pitt town friend, "i cant believe..." " sacred between two people" well you know the type also

    You i believe, her and the OPs wife, no

    The thoust doust protest too much rule does ring true most of the time. Once youve heard the same phrases from the same types many times, with ends with pretty much the same result you are rarely surprised

    Or what youve said in reverse, about the non married, which at the moment includes her. How exactly would she know better than me, until she's been married for what seems to be an eternity ;)
  13. Melanie_86

    Melanie_86 Member

    you don't need to be married to know right from wrong. That is the trouble with the world today, we've lost our moral compass and yes I've been a sorry part of that as well. Btw, one of our neighbors from where we used to live is one of Sydney's top marriage cousellors and she has never been married.

  14. Oh, SNAP.

    the marriage is already open, he just don't know it.

    I cringe cause I feel like i'm helping to shatter OP's illusions but...true


    yep, types...

    and more on the OP's wife... she wants to do these things and kissed the one guy but .... people keep hitting on her and she keeps walking away...and walking back in... okay, likely story...

  15. Yep, and as I said (only in diff words), if I ever want the best parenting advice, I will go to someone without kids. They give GREAT parenting advice.

    It's usually only when you've been in something- a marriage or long term live in relationship... a parent... that you start to truly realize there is no magic formula for every parent/child or spousal relationship...

    and right from wrong?
    lying is wrong... hurting people is wrong...cheating is wrong...abuse is wrong. an open, agreed upon relationship based on love and trust is not WRONG if it works for both people and is respectful.

    as I said, it's not for me and my husband but that doesn't make us any better than the honest ppl in open marriages..

    there's no cookie cutter marriage for everyone and not all is black and white. most people over the age of 12 understand that. (it's called abstract reasoning)
  16. nz male

    nz male Senior Member

    yes, wish I could at times - may find someone who knows how to pleasure me better sexually than I am now.
    Would like to see another woman nude that's got a nice body & figure & is nice looking & could let me touch her all over.
  17. nz male

    nz male Senior Member

    I have been tempted at times to try kissing some woman on the lips I know but I knew it might back fire. But if one kissed me on the lips, I don't know if I would give her one back?
    Depends on the circumstances & if I liked her that much to show it back?
    A peek on the cheek would be ok thou.
  18. I mean you no disrespect but half the threads in the relationships and love and sex forums are yours and I have a feeling the OP is serious and wants true advice so... maybe let this thread be his?
  19. nz male

    nz male Senior Member

    I have had a lot of great friendships & relationships in my life & remember them for different reasons & not just for any sex I had with others but the close bonds I had with some real good friends I now have lost contact with over the many years.
    I have some great workmates I love for different reasons & some have told me they love me as well. Not in a romantic way but a friendly one.
    I love being with people that appreciate me for any reason.

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