Should I move out?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by basedprncss, Apr 14, 2013.

  1. basedprncss

    basedprncss Member

    my bf and i live and get along pretty well together and a lot of our time is spent together due to working at his familys restaurant (where i met him). we've never been bothered by that but some comments he made today suggest otherwise.

    he doesnt have a lot of friends, and neither do i, but sometimes he has people over. sometimes i dont mind but other times i wish he'd ask me about it beforehand instead of asking me after he's agreed to letting someone over. because i brought that up to him today, we ended up arguing. he said ever since he'd been dating me, he's spent less time with his friends.... but then he goes on to say that he doesnt even mind spending time with me and that he acknowledges that ive never stopped him from doing anything.... so i dont get wtf he's trying to say? he went on to say that he'd have people over more often if i wasn't here. but in my head im thinking what "people" when he only has 3 friends that ever come by?

    i dont actually mind it when he has his friends over, but sometimes i dont feel like chilling so i stay in my room and give him space to chill with whoever in the main room of our apartment. i dont know if im like, obligated to chill with his friends, esp the ones i dont know that well. i say hi and i feel like thats enough. but when i give him that space and do my own thing, he makes it seem like i dont like to chill at all and that i want it to be just me and him. just because i dont want to hang around sometimes doesnt mean im not fond of his friends or that i dont want them in my apt. am i at any fault here?

    it also seems that he's concerned with what his friends think in regards to our relationship and how much of our time is spent together. before we even moved in together, one of his friends jokingly made a comment about how hes been spenidng more time with me and made a joke about our relationship being like a marriage. this friend makes jokes all the time but because of that one comment he made, my bf told me that "everyone" said hes "whipped". after asking who is everyone, he ends up telling me that he just THINKS his friends are perceiving him that way. he knows that im not making him be with me all the time and that im not stopping him from going anywhere and he tells me he actually enjoys the time we spend together so i dont understand why he is bringing any of this up at all like it's concerning him. im confused.... he says he feels bad if he has to leave me at home if someone does ask him to go out (rarely), and he doesnt even mind if he stays with me, but it seems like that's an excuse he's using for himself to not go out. sometimes he tells me himself that he doesnt want to go out when someone actually invites him to go out. so how is that my fault if he doesnt want to go?

    omg i dont get him right now. its like does he want space or what? i asked him if he wants me to move out and he siad no, he loves me, he wants to be with me blahblahbal. but then where is all of this coming from? he's saying we spend a lot of time together like it's my fault or like it's a bad thing, and yet, he doesn't even mind it himself because he actually wants to spend most of his time with me. i would only see it as a problem if he thought i was getting in the way of his social life but if anything it seems like he's the one holding himself back from his social life. i never told him to not hang out with his friends. liek if he wants to go out then go out. im not sure why he would pity me for being home by myself, i like alone time anyways.

    the funny thing is, he talks shit when i do things on my own at home. like read or do things on my laptop by myself. he says it like im supposed to be wanting to do things constantly with him while we're at home.

    what should i make of all of this? should i move out? because i dont want to be the reason thats holding him back from his social life, if i am at all. or do you think he's actually just frustrated with himself somehow?
  2. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

    The middle paragraph is what he needs to work on, and both of you need to iron out the differences in expectations of how much time you would like to spend with friends VS what's realistic and practical.

    Everyone needs their own space, real world couples are not the over-dramatized "always doing things together" scenario that romance books, and movies portray.

    How long have you been dating? How serious is the relationship is it marriage material going forward?

    I suggest talking to him and phrase it in a way that expresses both of your frustration about the issue without blaming him or yourself. Technically, nobody is to blame, you guys just need to make a plan that respects the need for him to hang with his friends, and you to have alone time.

    Wanting alone time here and there, does NOT, imply that the love is gone or anything. If he believes this ask him why he equates the two concepts.
  3. Spectacles

    Spectacles My life is a tapestry Lifetime Supporter

    If you work together and live together it seems that you are spending a lot of time together already. It is natural for anyone to want their own space at least some of the time. Most couples I know do spend time with their friends away from their partners.

    It is hard for any of us to know where he is coming from if he is not clearly stating it to you. It would be best for both of you to have a conversation, not an argument, about each of your expectations about your relationship.
  4. basedprncss

    basedprncss Member

    We've been dating for over a year now and were pretty serious about each other.I talked to him about it. I expressed my confusion to him in regards to whether he needs space or not. He said he wants to take back everything he said and u derstood that I haven't really done anything to prevent him from having his own time.

    Honestly I think he is somewhat frustrated with himself or maybe is slightly concerned with what is conventional or not in a relationship, or social life even. Even though he is happy with the way things are he probably wonders if his circmstances are "normal" or not.

    Anyways thanx for the advice!

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