i'm just walking along the skyline of my jingle jangle orange peel. i was wondering why we ramble on like this, but then i decided against wondering it.. now i'm wondering if i'm restricting myself if i don't wonder it... sometimes i get this little noise on my pillow at night, and i think it's my eyelashes flitting against it, but then i hold my eyes completely still and i still hear it. sometimes i get really proud of myself after i write and i want to share it with the whole world. and i feel self centered halfway through.. i wonder if i am. i feel vain as hell when i look in the mirror.. i feel really happy because i ate tonite, and a lot of the time, i dont eat. i starve myself and i don't know why. i never eat breakfast, lunch or snacks through the day. i only eat once a day, and it's usually light. i considered that i might have an eating disorder. sometimes i really regret taking out my dreadlocks because they really made me feel unique, but then i looked funny sometimes when i wore certain clothes. sometimes i got attention i didn't want with them. they were really cool but i missed having hair. and now that i see someone else at my school with them, i get really jealous. it bothers me when people say they have no regrets. you can't live like that. it's like saying you make no mistakes. it's bullshit. we all make mistakes. i'm not too motivated.. i keep saying i'll do my homework and i'll do the dishes when i get home, and i'm going to start writing again, and i never do. i dream about things and they never happen. i hate it. i like having my nails kept short and a bit of dirt underneath them, and it really bothers me when i see people who get fake nails and people who grow them super long and don't have a spec of dirt beneath, and they are really glossy and perfect. i feel grubby next to them. my teeth aren't super white, and some of the side-front ones are kinda pointy and they remind me of dog teeth. i never smile for pictures with my teeth showing. i feel really self concious when i don't have my makeup on, and it worries me. i'll get getting my hat and boots on for a walk and then i find myself in the mirror putting on mascara and i don't know how i got there. i feel vain right now. i also have this bump on my nose that i don't like very much.. sometimes i say i've accepted it, but really i havn't all the way. when i'm walking down the halls, it feels like people are watching me and i think to myself "oh god they are looking at my nose" and then i think "who gives a shit. it's my nose and i can smell things can't i? so it must work.. but it has a bump.." i think i may have been exaggerating myself the first time i got high. i was super hyper. i'm embarrassed. i always say that painting is one of my hobbies. i don't know why. i don't do it all the time and right now i'm just staring at a package of unopened brushes.... why are they unopened.... i remember my cousin was getting married, and i was sort of the flower girl, except i got to blow those really cool little wedding bubbles that come in the short little containers that say "Dave and Lisa, August 8th, 1998" with a little blue ribbon around the top.. i was walking down the aisle at their wedding, and i didn't know which way to go. it was outdoors and there was like 3 aisles.. i felt awkward, and then at the reception, my new cousin in law's nephew asked me to dance and i turned him down.. that was mean . i was just too embarrassed to get up and dance in front of everyone, even though they were dancing too. one time, i gave away a budgie because i had two and i couldn't love them equally, so i didn't pay either one much attention. i gave the 2nd one away to someone who does, and in the end, the one i kept was really great and rode around on my shoulder everywhere till she was old and... um.. still blue and white. i never do the dishes.
Nobody is ever who they wish they were, sometimes. But, that doesn't matter when you know who you are. Sometimes we don't always know who we are.
I like all this defining of oneself. I think it's helping...with something... I say I have no regrets. But that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. I just tend to look at it in the sense of, well, I learned from those mistakes. I've learned pretty valuable lessons that I definetely do not want to regret. I'm sure your nails and teeth and hair are all that much more beautiful because they're that much more out of the ordinary.
I don't wish I were, either, really. I actually don't care if I was or wasn't, though. I just am who I am... I really don't care for anything else.
I'm the same way... and meg... you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself about yourself... Some things you can change, if you wish... but, what will it achieve.
