She'd Still Be

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by kidder, Jan 17, 2005.

  1. kidder

    kidder Member

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    Another draft for you!

    Time races on
    It never stops or stays.
    The afternoon was getting on-
    'Please, sit awhile today.'

    Amber cones were on the pines
    And russet apples drooped,
    A golden skin lay on the lake,
    Hills topped with golden spoons.

    The years rushed by
    Skies and eyes grew grey,
    But what was I to do-
    On such a summer day?

    If only she had stayed with me
    That day of gold and green
    We'd still be holding hands,
    She'd still be seventeen.
     
  2. BlackGuardXIII

    BlackGuardXIII fera festiva

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    It is another good one, and I hope that you can hold onto the feelings you felt at the time. That is what I find the hardest, the fading away of the strength of the feelings. This poem should help keep them alive.
     
  3. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

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    If only she had stayed with me
    That day of gold and green
    We'd still be holding hands,
    She'd still be seventeen.
    ------------------------------
    Loved that part. Thanks~*
     
  4. Smiling_Rose

    Smiling_Rose Member

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    "Amber cones were on the pines
    And russet apples drooped,
    A golden skin lay on the lake,
    Hills topped with golden spoons."

    a golden skin... love it!
     
  5. kidder

    kidder Member

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    Smiling Rose, thanks! I'm still not happy with that fourth line in the stanza you quoted. I'll work on it!
     
  6. Bhaskar

    Bhaskar Members

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    This was half really beautiful and hlf kinda banal. The 2nd and 4th verses were really moving, the 1st and 3rd were sorta stale. Just a little work, you'd have something lovely.
     
  7. kidder

    kidder Member

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    Bhaskar, you're right- some sections need work. And that I shall do!
     
  8. GirlInTheGreenGrass

    GirlInTheGreenGrass Member

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    Wonderful detail, it's as if i'm dancing in the imagery of your poem. Nice descriptions and thoughts. The end was cool. The dancing stopped.
    I thought of it as, if she had stayed with you, she'd still be young...or that there's no way of it ever happening, you can't go back. Years have gone by but detailed memories remain.

    <3
     
  9. saffronfrancisburnet

    saffronfrancisburnet Member

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    lovely feel here...

    not to forget is the answer to all moments we
    have tasted..
     
  10. browneydgrl

    browneydgrl Member

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    *sighs as poem stirs an old familiar feeling*
     
  11. cassiopeia

    cassiopeia Member

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    loved it:) keep on writing love..you'll be big one day..promise!!
     
  12. kidder

    kidder Member

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    Thanks for resurrecting this one! It is a draft. I have improved it but I've not resubmitted it here. I appreciate the encouragement. You keep writing too!
     
  13. Firebelle

    Firebelle Member

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    I loved the third and fourth stanzas, and the line 'A golden skin lay on the lake'. I liked this overall, it almost reminded me of a place I have been with a person I know, although of course I know not the place nor the person, and I never have.
     

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