Another draft for you! Time races on It never stops or stays. The afternoon was getting on- 'Please, sit awhile today.' Amber cones were on the pines And russet apples drooped, A golden skin lay on the lake, Hills topped with golden spoons. The years rushed by Skies and eyes grew grey, But what was I to do- On such a summer day? If only she had stayed with me That day of gold and green We'd still be holding hands, She'd still be seventeen.
It is another good one, and I hope that you can hold onto the feelings you felt at the time. That is what I find the hardest, the fading away of the strength of the feelings. This poem should help keep them alive.
If only she had stayed with me That day of gold and green We'd still be holding hands, She'd still be seventeen. ------------------------------ Loved that part. Thanks~*
"Amber cones were on the pines And russet apples drooped, A golden skin lay on the lake, Hills topped with golden spoons." a golden skin... love it!
Smiling Rose, thanks! I'm still not happy with that fourth line in the stanza you quoted. I'll work on it!
This was half really beautiful and hlf kinda banal. The 2nd and 4th verses were really moving, the 1st and 3rd were sorta stale. Just a little work, you'd have something lovely.
Wonderful detail, it's as if i'm dancing in the imagery of your poem. Nice descriptions and thoughts. The end was cool. The dancing stopped. I thought of it as, if she had stayed with you, she'd still be young...or that there's no way of it ever happening, you can't go back. Years have gone by but detailed memories remain. <3
Thanks for resurrecting this one! It is a draft. I have improved it but I've not resubmitted it here. I appreciate the encouragement. You keep writing too!
I loved the third and fourth stanzas, and the line 'A golden skin lay on the lake'. I liked this overall, it almost reminded me of a place I have been with a person I know, although of course I know not the place nor the person, and I never have.